I received your email providing the details of your personal tragedy and the outrageous conduct of the government. It was very long and contained many misspellings, but I read it as thoroughly as I could. As soon as I have a chance, I will look into this very important matter for you, and I will get back to you if and when I have a meaningful answer. No need to send me any more emails about it.
And yes, this message is for you and no one else. If you can read this (which you obviously can since you’re reading this), that’s because it’s my personal and confidential message to you. No one but you can read this, and you obviously know who you are. It’s a special secret part of my blogging program that allows me to send messages that only you can read. Make sure you don’t tell anyone about this, or it won’t be a secret anymore.
So no need to send me any more emails about the situation. I may never get an answer, in which case I won’t waste your time by sending you any emails in response, but if I do, I will send you an email right away. There’s no reason to send me emails asking if I have a solution to your problem. If I do, I will let you know.
No really, no more emails because it’s taking up time that could otherwise be used to look into your problem. And if you find someone else you think would be more helpful, please don’t feel as if my feelings will be hurt if you turn your attention to them. It’s fine with me, as you should do whatever is best for you. But no more emails. Please.