They All Ate Well That Night

Somebody thought it was a wise idea to give Crazy Joe Arpaio, the Sheriff of Maricopa County, a tank.

How cool must it be to have a tank at one’s command?  And then he’s got Steven Seagal too.

What to do with this embarrassment of riches?  Sheriff Joe pondered this deep question and came up with an answer.

Neighbor Debra Ross was so worried she called 911 and went outside where a nearby home had its windows blown out, was crawling with dozens of SWAT members in full gear, armored vehicles and a bomb robot.

“When the tank came in and pushed the wall over and you see what’s in there, and all it is, is a bunch of chickens,” Ross said.

 In a massive show of force on Monday, the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office executed a search warrant and arrested the homeowner, Jesus Llovera, on charges of suspected cockfighting.

Someone lacking in foresight or a firm sense of what truly matters to the public might be cynical about the use of a tank and tough-guy actor to nail this suspected cockfighter.  Not Sheriff Joe.

Deputies had no probable cause to believe Llovera was armed or dangerous, according to Campus.

 Campus said he believes the entire scene was basically a stage, to help actor Steven Seagal’s TV show, “Lawman.”

 Seagal was riding in the tank.

This is compelling television, all the better because it’s real.  How do we know it’s real?

Thousands of dollars in damages were made to the property and 115 birds were euthanized on the spot.
Dead birds.  It doesn’t get any realer than that.  Some animal rights pansies will complain about their needless murder, characterized as euthanasia to avoid the inevitable backlash.  But such complaints ignore how dangerous chickens can be and the threat they pose to law enforcement officers and D-list television personalities.  Remember how people underestimated the killer rabbit?

At Popehat, from whence I learned of this story, Patrick titled his post, I Show You State’s Exhibit 4, Which Is A Photo Of A Sign Reading “Warning: This House Is Protected By CHUCK NORRIS!”  And people say I bury the lede.  But what part of this story goes beyond any other part?  Where does the transition from outrageous to unbelievably ridiculous happen?

For Jesus Llovera, the unarmed fellow whose property is now available for remakes of the Battle of the Bulge, this can’t be nearly as funny as it is for the rest of us.  The chickens can’t be happy.  They’re dead.  The taxpayers of Maricopa County, who adore Crazy Joe because he hates people with names like “Jesus” and Llovera,” can’t be happy because he wasted a whole lot of money to provide Steven Seagal with a set for this television show.

That leaves Crazy Joe, who not only found a use for his tank and gave his buddy Steve some great footage, but showed yet again that he’s America’s toughest sheriff.

Defense Exhibit E, what becomes of a sheriff’s stomach when he loves fried chicken to much.

It’s understandable that the people of Maricopa County hate people who appear to be Hispanic.  It’s understandable that they couldn’t care less about constitutional rights.  It’s understandable that they like Steven Seagal enough to let him use their local sheriff in the making of a television show. 

What is not understandable is why anyone thought it was a good idea to give Crazy Joe a tank.  Didn’t you realize that something mind-boggingly stupid was bound to happen?

10 thoughts on “They All Ate Well That Night

  1. Jeff Gamso

    Wait! In the name of preventing cockfighting Joe killed 115 birds?

    A new approach to crime prevention. From now on we lock up (or kill, why not) all the potential victims so the criminals won’t have anyone left on whom to prey.

    Or as they said a few wars ago, they destroyed the village in order to save it.

  2. SHG

    Can’t you read?  They didn’t just kill them.  That would be wrong. They euthanized 115 birds.

    How they cooked them afterward isn’t stated, but my money is on frying.

  3. Stephen

    I’m staggered at how unnecessary it is to put your name on your tank. It’s not like someone might pick up the wrong bag at the gym.

  4. Rob R.

    That’s not a “tank” in that picture, it is a self-propelled artillery piece: I think it is 155mm howitzer. That’s worse than a tank, as it is meant to meant to lob shells into a target from long distance.

  5. SHG

    And, apparently, it’s also really good for euthanizing large numbers of chickens at close range. 

  6. Eric L. Mayer

    Absolutely. It has a range of 18000 meters (fired indirectly). Lucky for the Sheriff, it can also be fired directly (kind of like a tank). The shells are about the size of an NFL running back’s thigh. They explode on impact. When it explodes, the shell parts fly through the air in the form of molten shrapnel.

    I think every sheriff should have one.

    I think I should have one, too. That way, if a sheriff wrongfully imprisons one of my children, I can rescue them (and show a bit of my inner James Garner).

  7. SHG

    Which explains why it’s particularly useful for covert drug operations, immigrant roundups and chicken frying.

  8. Peter

    Or why Arpaio thinks so, anyway.

    “Constitutional protections? But they ain’t white campaign donors!”

  9. Lee Keller King

    Rob beat me to the first part of my reply. However, when I lived in Maricopa County there was the following joke:

    “Do you know why Sheriff Joe doesn’t have a nuclear submarine?

    “He couldn’t figure out how to get it into the irrigation canals!”

    One of the reasons I’m glad we moved back to Texas.

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