Law Bio Puffery: It’s Not Just For Solos Anymore

Sure, a kid like Maverick will puff the living crap out of himself to make a buck, but then he’s just some desperate baby solo.  All the Biglaw boys and girls laugh; “ha! look at what shitlaw has to do to make a living. We’re so much cooler.”

Meet Bracewell Giuliani.  Not the biggest of Biglaw, and not quite the whitest of shoes, but definitely not one of us. They are important. They do big cases. They are, well, Biglaw. A Vault 100 firm that in 2005, added the name of “America’s most famous former mayor to its nameplate,” who also happens to be the absolute last person you would want to be anywhere near if you were the target of a federal investigation or prosecution. But whatever.

And that’s where I saw the bio of my “competition”:

Ryan Myers concentrates his practice on white collar defense, internal investigations, litigation and corporate compliance for clients in the energy, trade, pharmaceutical and manufacturing sectors.

Ryan has helped defend clients under investigation by the U.S. Federal Bureau of Investigation, the U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration, the U.S. Department of Commerce, and the U.S. Department of the Interior. He also has experience helping clients under investigation for alleged international bribery offenses, including violations of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act, as well as investigations by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police for violations of the Corruption of Foreign Public Officials Act. Additionally, he has assisted clients under investigation for corruption by the Integrity Vice Presidency of the World Bank.

Wow, that’s some bio. Very impressive. Big time partner?  Elder statesman? Department of Justice refugee? The Big Guy himself?  Scroll down…

J.D., magna cum laude, University of Houston Law Center, 2013

Say what?  A 2013 law grad, as in a few months ago? So Bracewell Giulinai, you’re telling me that your brand-spanking new associate, who was sweating the bar exam results last July, and whose only experience was some law school internships, gets a bio that suggests a wealth of experience, maybe even expertise, as a lawyer, except it’s total nonsense?

It’s artfully drafted, with wiggle words like “helped” and “assisted,” which could just as easily mean he fetched coffee for the lawyers as anything else, but hey, it surely gives off the stink of importance. And isn’t that all that really matters in law these days, to give some baby lawyer a running start on a glorious career?

Cool.  It’s nice to know that the big guys aren’t any less concerned about honesty and integrity than anyone else, and they’re happy to have their associates walking the boulevard in hotpants to make some sophisticated corporate client think they’ve got a lawyer with a clue when they’re getting charged up the ying-yang based on some gussied-up puffery.

No, looks like Biglaw’s no better than anyone else when it comes to telling the truth. It’s just bigger and charges more.  Thanks for clearing that up, BG. No, this doesn’t mean it’s okay for solos and smalls to engage in puffery and deception. It means it’s no better when a firm like Bracewell Giuliani does it, and they’re no better than anyone else.

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