I haven’t always been kind to the Future of the #ReinventLaw of the New Normal crowd, sometimes calling their much adored baby ugly. Or worse.
But Bitter Lawyer’s Gregory Luce surreptitiously recorded this telephone call in the future, which helps to explain my reluctance to jump aboard the train. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Please be advised that this conversation may be
recorded for quality control and training purposes.
WWL: It’s a great day at WorldWiide Legal Services, where we always have two “i’s” on your legal issue. My name is Darby and I’ll be your Legal Ninja today. Welcome, how can we help you?
THOMPSON: Uh, did you say Ninja?
WWL: Yes, Mr. Thompson, I’m a certified Legal Ninja prepared to help in any practicable way with your issue. What can WorldWiide Legal, the global leader in innovative legal services, do for you today?
THOMPSON: I, um, got arrested for DUI, for drunk driving.
WWL: I’m sorry to hear that, Mr. Thompson. I’m sure that is a difficult thing for you.
THOMPSON: I’m calling from jail.
WWL: That is unfortunate, Mr. Thompson, being in jail must be hard on you and your loved ones.
THOMPSON: Yeah. I need a lawyer.
WWL: I understand from our conversation that you are calling to talk to a lawyer, is that correct?
THOMPSON: I think I just said that.
WWL: Good, thank you for clarifying that, Mr. Thompson. Because of your value to us, we need to escalate your matter to one of our legal Ronins, who should be able to help immediately with your issue. Please hold while
I escalate your matter.
THOMPSON: I, I only—-
WWL: Please hold—-
WWL: Hello, Mr. Thomas—-
WWL: I am sorry, my apologies, Mr. Thompson, let me make a note of that so we don’t make that mistake again.
WWL: My name is Alisa and I am your Legal Ronin this morning. I understand that you are calling from jail.
THOMPSON: Yes, I told that to the Ninja.
WWL: Good. I just need to go over a few things first as your Ronin level legal provider. Were you or any loved ones injured in the accident?
THOMPSON: I wasn’t in an accident. I was pulled over by the cops. I’m now in a drunk tank and I want a lawyer to get me out.
WWL: Thank you, Mr. Thompson, for clarifying that matter for me. I understand that you are in jail and in a drunk tank and that you called WorldWiide Legal for legal help related to drunk driving. Is that correct?
WWL: Good, thanks. Just a few more questions, Mr. Thompson. Have you seen a chiropractor?
THOMPSON: I’m in jail. I’ve been arrested.
WWL: Thank you, Mr. Thompson. I understand that you are in jail. Just a couple more questions. Has anyone talked to you recently about a Living Will?
THOMPSON: I’m sorry, I’m calling about a lawyer. Can I please speak to a lawyer?
WWL: Yes, Mr. Thompson, at WorldWiide Legal we take your matter very seriously. Unfortunately, I am not a lawyer. I am a Ronin level service provider. You need either a Samurai or Shinobi level provider. Would you like to upgrade to Samurai for only $19.99 more per month? Our first month is always free and Samurais offer unlimited texting.
THOMPSON: Jesus Christ, whatever. Yes, just get me a lawyer. Now, please.
WWL: Thank you, Mr. Thompson. Let me connect you immediately to one of our Samurais. Please hold for a moment.
THOMPSON: Hello? Anyone there? There are people here . . . there’s a line for the— I don’t—
WWL: Good morning, my name is Gareth and I am Legal Samurai number 292991-2, this is matter number 3302-49RP, that’s R as in Randy and P as in peanuts. How can I help you, Mr. Tonsil?
THOMPSON: Thompson, you shithead.
WWL: I’m sorry, Mr. Thompson, it must be difficult for you that I mispronounced your name.
THOMPSON: No, it’s difficult because I am in jail, I’ve now pissed my pants, and I have one phone call, to you shitheads, of all my luck. Are you a lawyer?
WWL: Thank you for that information, Mr. Thompson, it may be useful for your matter. I am a Samurai level service provider at WorldWiide Legal, a global innovator in online and real-time legal solutions.
THOMPSON: Honestly, why did I call— did you even go to law school?
WWL: Mr. Thompson, all of our Samurai and Shinobi level legal representatives receive extensive training in civil and criminal law, both in the United Kingdom and in the United States.
THOMPSON: Let me be clear. Are you a L-A-W-Y-E-R? A lawyer, a fucking attorney who knows, I don’t know, maybe something about being drunk, in jail, getting real people out of jail? Huh? Yes? No?
WWL: Thank you for spelling lawyer, Mr. Thompson. I have made that notation in your file. But, no, Mr. Thompson, I have not been in jail nor drunk and in jail. It must be difficult for you to be drunk and in jail, but let’s see what we can do to help. Please wait a moment while I consult with another Samurai.
WWL: Thank you for waiting, Mr. Thompson. What province are you in?
WWL: What province are you in?
THOMPSON: I’m not in a province. I’m in fucking jail, in Tucson.
WWL: Thank you for clarifying that for me. You said you are in Tucson. What province is that in?
THOMPSON: What the? I, I’m— It’s in the province of fucking Arizona. Yeah.
WWL: Please hold for a moment.
WWL: I’m sorry, Mr. Thomke, but Worldwiide Legal does not currently provide services in Arizona provincial law.
THOMPSON: I’m shocked. Just give me a refund or do I have to talk to an emperor or something like that?
WWL: I’m sorry, our Emperor level service is still in beta, but I can add you to our prelaunch —-
THOMPSON: [Hangs up]
Are you sure you want non-lawyer ownership, a more “business-like” approach to the practice of law and corporate-based access to justice? Are you really sure?