And Wearing a Fringed Buckskin Jacket Is…

Some great stories. Some lame. Some funny. Some not funny at all. But whether the stories brought a smile to your face, or catharsis for the teller, it reminds us that we are all boneheads once in a while. Sometimes, the product of our misstep is good for a laugh at our expense, and sometimes we suffer for a lifetime.

One commenter wanted the jacket more than anyone else, and it showed. After consultation with some guy from Wyoming, who strongly urged me never to bother him again with such nonsense, a winner has been chosen.  With deep appreciation and admiration of his literal embrace of the “pic could help” piece of advice, the winner is…

Wheeze the People™

Thank you all, and I expect Wheeze to provide one pic, showing the Spencewear as well as all other items of clothing and behavior used in snagging his prize. Yes, all. Figure it out, bro.

And the runner-up, for those who need such things, was BL1Y, whose short yet miserable story captured the humiliation of a lost generation of lawyers for one very unfortunate choice at an even more unfortunate time in the history of law.

24 comments on “And Wearing a Fringed Buckskin Jacket Is…

  1. william doriss

    My guy did not win! WTF. I file a motion of intent to appeal?
    A second, higher opinion is in order. And I don’t mean maybe.
    (Old lawyers never die; they just lose their appeal.)

  2. Wheeze the People™

    . . . *cough* *cough*I am truly humbled to have received this great honor. If I were to die today, I would die with a smile on my face while knowing it was all worth it. Self-actualization has come my way today and the next stop is Valhalla . . .

    You don’t get to a place this high up without climbing upon the backs and stacked bodies of others. So I would like to start by thanking all *cough* *cough* *wheeze* the little people who made this achievement possible: Fred, Wilma, and Betty – I’m talking to you. And to the old bald-headed fart, you are the wind beneath my wings and out of my tuchus. And lest I forget the crazy, nastyass honey badger, the next cobra is on me. Literally. And to the Court, for allowing me to hold court in court; to the Petitioner and her attorneys of record, as there would be no way I would be here without you bumbling fools. And to Gerry Spence, whose oils have anointed a fine fringed buckskin jacket that I will soon be modelling for the judge. May those oils soak into my own vessel and confer the legal superpowers upon me to ensure that all verdicts are directed as necessary and proper. Oh, and how could I forget one of the biggest little people I virtually know – SHG. Without your sweat and toil upon this blawg, where would I be today?? Nowhere, man, that’s where, man, sitting in my nowhere land, making all my nowhere plans for nobody; I am somewhere now, man. Somewhere very special and I owe it all to you. May your eternal rewards be just and bountiful. Finally, to my dearest of friends, Mr. C., who taught me the methods of legal gorilla warfare and that of mixed marital martial arts, as well as helping me to develop a keen sense of fashion. So would ask that all you little people take a bow – you’ve earned it . . .

    And yes, as my courtroom regalia is now complete and fully accessorized, there will soon be pics or it didn’t happen . . .

    1. Kathleen Casey

      The kids deserve credit. No one asked them! About the vest collection as a fitness factor for custody or even visitation. They love your vests. Their mother was conning everyone all along. Now the buckskin jacket. Hey that’s dad. That’s what they’ll say.

  3. John Barleycorn

    Right on Wheeze!

    Please do keep us updated as to the jackets powers.

    Be careful though, the jacket in combination with your boots may indeed distort the time space continuum depending on your gait.

    P.S. I trust it goes without saying that there will be consequences if the Spence Coat is spotted on eBay.

    1. Wheeze the People™

      Dear John, thanks for the kind words and let me assure you the jacket is in fine hands and over toned arms . . .

      The GS jacket, from this day forward, will be passed down from generation to generation of my family, kinda, but not exactly, like the watch in Pulp Fiction. It shall never see the dark and ethereal recesses of eBay, and that is a promise . . .

      The jacket’s powers will soon be put to the ultimate test: I have 4 days of motions hearings and trial over the late summer/early fall for all the financial marbles in this mess of a proceeding, which is now in it’s seventh year. With God, Gerry Spence, and now you on my side, I don’t think losing is even an option . . .

      Let’s just say with the boots and jacket, shit is going down in space-time . . .

  4. william doriss

    This decision is a big disappointment. Wheeze’s entry was certainly entertaining–I had to read it twice to get the full flavor–but it was toooo long and toooo complicated. I believe he read my earlier entry, and said to himself: “Let’s go for it!” Furthermore, he cheated by submitting multiple pictures, which placed him at a distinct advantage with the Host, above and beyond the call of duty and posted rules. As such he is in violation USC, chapter 1983, for willful, intentional and deliberate violation of the civil rights of the other contestants who did not enjoy equal advantages of such subterranean-sub-rosa ploys to gain unfair advantage. If you catch my drift? I believe he should be investigated post haste, if you catch my drift?
    If I submitted a picture of my ugly mug and a funny outfit, would you have posted it? Noooo. You would have said, “as per rules,
    link deleted.” BarleyCorn, John–my candidate–is the real winner, and the public defender’s entry about the deaf guy defendant was not half bad either. [Side Note: BarleyCorn appears to have achieved temporary sobriety with these postings, at long suffering last. How do you spell Relief? That was an additional plus for those not aware of his previous nonsensical, but hilarious ramblings.]
    Keep those contests coming. Someday, Ariana Huffington will pick you up, and you’ll be instantly famous throughout the land for your legal prowess, not to mention perspicacity in all matters judicial. You might even make some money, or whatever they call it. Distributions, dividends? Being a working man (communist?), I would not know about such things.
    No, I’m not, nor have I ever been a Commie, but sometimes wonder if our judicial system is any better than PEWtin’s? Can U say “gulag”? Where is Joseph McCarthy when we need him?
    Bill

    1. Wheeze the People™

      William, if I may call you William, my fine sir, I believe in a fair contest at least as much, perhaps a lot more, than the next guy . . .

      So after taking your challenges under consideration, my recommendation to you is to go back and bone up on the first rule of statutory construction — the “plain meaning rule”. That is, if the language of the statute is clear, there is no need to look outside the statute to its legislative history in order to ascertain the statute’s meaning.

      SHG wrote, “You can enter as many times as you like, and pics could help.”

      I wrote three entries (I called them vignettes) to increase my odds of winning while also providing a few pics, as I was led to believe that pics could help (see SHG’s contest statute/rule above). I followed the rules to the letter and achieved no advantage that wasn’t available to the other contestants.

      Are there other things that could be argued about the contest?? Perhaps, but not likely, given one of the other contest rules: “As with all SJ contests, the rules are totally arbitrary and I will be the epistemic arbiter, so whatever I decide goes.” . . .

      1. william doriss

        Pease Wheeze, you take me too seriously. I was simpley making argument and trying to be somewhat amusing for the host and the readership. Did not lose any sleep, nor plan on losing any. Your entry was great, and I enjoyed it,… even more after the second reading. Congrats!

        You don’t have to call me sir; I was an enlisted man; E-4, I think. Don’t ask me what I did? (Not much.) I did win a Special Courts Martial, which was the high point of my career. My Army-appointed defense counselor was Capt. Theodore Volckhausen, Jr., Harvard Law, ’65. After he won my case, they took him off the Defense table and put him on the Prosecution side. He would be “Sir” to you. True story!
        There are some good people who come out of Harvard. Ha.
        Bill
        Maybe it could a been a “tie” between you and the heretofore mentioned bar owner who was arrested for being drunk in his own bar. I found it hilarious. But he didn’t have pictures to prove.

    2. John Barleycorn

      Don’t worry William.

      I am convinced the esteemed one just wanted Wheeze’s address so he can hatch a plan to steal Wheeze’s boots. The esteemed one just doesn’t have the posture anymore to pull off a truly worthy coat but boots are another story all together, especially a pair like Wheeze’s. Plus, he did not give away all of the Spence Power as he has been storing his hat on the Spence Coat in his guest bedroom for the last several months.

      Its obvious…We ALL know it is true! BL1Y not only hit the nail on the head of this “contest”, he Ninja-Zen-Smashed a forty pound sledge hammer on it effortlessly. BL1Y was badass concise while being so wickedly cogent and smooth he could be the next James Bond if he wasn’t up to better things. That made the esteemed one jealous… The esteemed one wouldn’t be jealous if it turned out BL1Y was the spawn of the silver spoon that never even had to practice law and is now a law professor but my guess is BL1Y is kicking it back on a two hundred acre spread in up state New York drafting up contracts a few hours a month for the online cartoon porn industry. I am going to help him steal the esteemed one’s hat one day if he even desires it.

      Back to the matter at hand. I already put down a sizeable retainer with the Neo-Feminists, who just happen to have an Enforcement Squad freelancing out of Manhattan, to keep an eye on the esteemed one. They need the cash and trust me they will do almost anything for the right price. The thrill of more-than- equal- pay alone nearly put them in a frenzy but when I explained just who the esteemed one was and reminded them of his ongoing and subversive daily writings their eyes narrowed and their jaws all subtlety clinched shut in unison. Then suddenly, in a bloodcurdling chorus they simply chanted Greenfield for few moments. Scared the shit out of me actually.

      Anyway, I don’t think they will attempt to rape him until our mission is complete. Its in the contract and besides, I have a plan that should accommodate the esteemed ones sensitive sensibilities as well as his health and literal physical safety unless they throw a lucky name calling grenade or two and he catches some descriptive adjective shrapnel in his nut sack.

      So when the esteemed one makes his move to steal Wheeze’s boots we will be following. After he snatches Wheeze’s boots we will follow him back to the train station or airport and then call in an anonymous tip to TSA about a curmudgeonious looking bearded guy with a big chin who just stole a very unique pair of boots at the ticket counter from a little old lady who happens to be a Pentecostal Snake Handler who was on her way to DC to talk to the Senate Judiciary Committee and Armed Services Committee in a joint closed door hearing. When TSA takes him into the back room they are sure to find some Flintstones porn along with plenty of other questionable material which they will want to hold onto indefinitely. That should prolong the entire interrogation before his arrest just long enough for us to snatch the boots back.

      Then we simply roll onto Wheeze’s front lawn and after doing a few doughnuts on our Goldwing’s (Sorry, but I still have three years of parole left with a condition that forbids me from riding Big Wheels and I am to old to serve out the three hanging over my head) in the shape of smashed bagels, to see if Wheeze actually really does have any stones under that lawn of his, and inquire as to if he might be missing a pair of boots.

      When Wheeze returns from his wardrobe vault with a look of panic while tightly clutching the Spence Coat we invite ourselves in and show him the video of the esteemed one snatching the boots while we drink his whiskey. If he doesn’t have any whiskey we will send his kids down to the liquor store. I am sure his ex-wife won’t mind if we make sure they wear one of those vests that his CDL has been pawing off on him ever since that cheap bastard fired him. If the Wheeze questions how the booze run might possibly alter the consciousness of his little brats minds, I will whip out my blade and cut a slit in the upper sleeve of my grizzly bear leather coat, rip it open and show him my tattoo of a kid flying off a plywood jump without a helmet while being chased by a dozen squad cars and ask him if he wants his kids to grow up to be LEO’s or Free Flying Freedom Lovers who will grow up to put food on the table of starving CDL’s families.

      Then, after we polish off the whiskey, which should be about the twentieth time he re-watches the video in disbelief, like some reddit reading junkie crying over a dead kitten, we let him know the boots are in a safe place and start the “reward offer” negotiations for the return of the boots.

      Don’t worry, I called a few of my old friends from my Big Wheel riding days that settled down in Wyoming. They have agreed to escort the esteemed one back to New York after he temporarily gets out of jail . They will make sure he doesn’t get raped by the Neo-Feminists Enforcement Squad from Manhattan or Wyoming or any other chapters in-between as he finds his way back home after one of his CDL friends gets him out on bail (pro bono I am sure) for possession of all kinds of shit that is against this that or some other law that he and his guild-ed colleagues have yet to find a way to ram up the Supreme Courts ass.

      The escort is not really needed seeing as how the Neo-Feminist Enforcement Squad from Manhattan will in all likelihood be preoccupied with all the fresh LEO meat that the Wyoming Chapter throws their way. It will be a boot licking orgy I am sure so the esteemed one, with the capable help of a skilled CDL, should be able to slip out of town un-raped. But some insurance never hurts especially seeing as though one of the TSA guys is bound to misplace the esteemed ones hat during his arrest, so better safe than sorry. Besides the insurance is going to come cheap as all my buddies want in return is to be able to borrow the Spence Coat from time to time.

      If Wheeze wants to keep the Spence Coat which is possible depending on whether or not his posture and gait were able to activate its powers or he simply cant give it up due to its stylish nature we will have to find The Spence and go with plan B. I am pretty sure he is somewhere out west as well on a ranch in the badlands or something so it shouldn’t be too difficult or more than a few days ride to find him.

      Then we simply explain our situation, boots in hand, to Spence. With any luck he will do what he does best with Wheeze’s boots which will be in our possession. We didn’t steal them originally and Wheeze sure as hell ain’t getting them back if he doesn’t give up the Spence Coat.

      If it turns out The Spence only does leather coats and hats together, simultaneously, or in some other fashion in some sort of CDL/Defendant/ Juror Communication Ritual and will have nothing to do with boots you are shit out of luck William unless you are wearing a leather coat and a hat so I suggest you wear both. Because I just can’t, out of principle, share my grizzly bear leather coat with man that doesn’t like to write after drinking the distilled nectar of the barleycorn crop and my hat already has cash bail money gathering powers that I can’t afford to share with anyone because there just isn’t enough cash money on the street anymore since Bitcoins were invented. I will; however, allow The Spence to transfer some of that cash bail money gathering power to his oil lamp reservoirs for research and development study if he doesn’t already dabble in that magic as well. You wont be needing any extra cash shortly anyways William, so don’t start whining!

      The only possible down side I can foresee with plan B is that we will probably have to pay someone some serious cash to get Wheeze’s dried wiz cleaned off the boots before we give them to Spence to do his thing.

      (Sorry Wheeze, but anyone who watches the kind of nature videos you do as well a covets the kind of vests and cartoon porn that turns you on most likely doesn’t think twice of stepping back away from the urinal before the finial shake and chances are you might have even tried to wiz on some prosecutor or judge’s wingtips standing next to you at the urinals a time or two as well, and I happen to know from experience that it is damn near impossible to do that without a little splatter. )

      Don’t even think about it William… I am, as usual, already several steps ahead of you. I already asked the Neo-Feminists if they would be interested. Bad move on my part as one of them looked me in the eye, pulled out her blade, slashed a six-inch slit through her jeans on her upper thigh, and ripped the slit open to reveal a tattoo of some dude in bondage licking some chicks boots then she pointed the knife at me and said “The only boots that get licked around here are ours!”. It nearly turned me on but then she pushed some button on her Rolex and her three inch heels became six inch heels in the blink of an eye via some hydraulic ram stashed up her boot and she bit one of my earlobes off. But I am thinking we might get lucky with one of the under-employed CDL’s that reads the back pages of the comment section here at SJ that might need some extra cash for their new social media advertising campaign.

      So, Even if we don’t get the Spence Coat because Wheeze keeps it due to its powers or stylish fashion chances are good Spence will help us out with the boots or trade us the boots to apply some of his sage smoke invincibility magic on our own coats and or hats.

      Wheeze should get rid of them boots either way because even if he gives us the Spence Coat I am pretty sure if things don’t go his way his ex-wife might come into possession of them somehow or another and that might eventually lead to the unsavory thought of him resorting to all manner of desperate (although he may like it) acts to get them back. We should save him the trouble but he looks old enough to live with the consequences of his own decisions whether that be hiring and firing his own CDL’s or wearing those vests . (I also trust the esteemed one isn’t foolish enough to not include a contract with the Spence Coat that clearly puts ownership of the coat into some sort of irrevocable trust so if the Wheeze continues to represent himself and steps into a double long spring wolf trap or a judge has him remove it as a dress code violation, neither his ex-wife or anyone not noted in the trust will be allowed possession or use of the Spence Coat.

      Either way, invincibility is soon to be ours, less any restrictions that may apply. You might as well stop worrying about balancing your checkbook William because that puny little territory of Con-necticut is soon to be sending you the apology check. Its true that you won’t get any justice, seeing as you haven’t gotten past the revenge stage yet, but what are you gonna do? For some time now they have been saying that cash is the only commodity of judgement these days in the land that has destroyed its soul with milk and honey.

      But don’t loose hope! Sooner or latter there is a modest chance that I may again one day be forced to walk into a courtroom in the land of milk and honey for going about my normal everyday activities.
      If so, and Loki allows my plan goodspeed, the original Spence Coat or the Wheeze’s boots or my very own coat or hat under The Spence’s sage smoke powers will be accentuating the warm glow of sanity and justice in my eyes.

      I might even hire the esteemed one as co-counsel. It should be a pretty cool “party” but it never hurts to have some insurance.

      P.S. BL1Y, if any of your clients ever find themselves in the market for a company to design and produce an action figure line give me a call. BTW, the laughs will considerably out weigh the risks involved if you ever decide it might be entertaining to steal the esteemed ones hat. I will bring the whiskey for the planning, you can bring the helicopter for the execution of the plan. Then if you are up to it, I will show you the lost secrets of shoplifting Cold Duck and Swisher Sweets from the convenience store down the block form the esteemed ones office to celebrate with if you teach me the secrets of the forty pound Ninja-Zen Sledge Hammer. Don’t worry we will send the owner of the convenience store owner $10,000 in $500 gift certificates for use at the esteemed ones practice that the convenience store can use as raffle prizes for advertising promotions and the esteemed one can use the $10,000 to attend one of Spence’s seminars and anything left over he can use to buy a new hat.

      1. Wheeze the People™

        Mr. Barleycorn, your writing style here has succeeded in making me hallucinate as I read your manifesto. Nice work; I can cancel today’s order for psilocybin . . .

        And though I’ve never had the opportunity to wiz on some prosecutor or judge’s wingtips standing next to me at the urinals, there was this:

        From my e-strange-d wife’s declaration in her failed attempt to get the judge to silence me via a restraining order: “He ends that online post with a comment about how he would give his closing arguments in court and the ejaculate on the opposing counsel.”, referencing the following posts from a creative writing website I once participated on:

        “Steve wrote:
        I picture you vigorously defending the indefensible with venom spewing from your foul mouth, finally coming to rest upon the cheek of the unfortunate opposing counsel.

        Am I close?”

        “Wheeze replied:
        Not quite, but near the mark — here’s how it really goes down: I do a great job of making the most badass legal arguments ever and while doing so, I attain a HUGE erection from my excitement, cuz I’m pretty darn excitable!! Well, standing there with a cold, hard, blue-steel boner, I need immediate release so I whip it out, in all its turgid glory, turn to opposing counsel and exclaim, ‘Wanna bite?? Wanna bite??’ When he refuses my generous offer, I kindly shoot my gook all over his face, bukkake-style, temporarily immobilizing him, much Iike a Taser gun. Only in this case, the weapon of choice is my love gun . . .”

  5. PaulaMarie Susi

    wow, I woulda totally voted for was BL1Y, but that’s just me.
    Oh, congrats dude.

    1. SHG Post author

      It was close, but somebody had to make the tough call. After a few cocktails, it all came together.

      1. Ken Bellone

        Some of the best….and worst, decisions of my life came after “a few cocktails”.

          1. Wheeze the People™

            I can honestly say I have never made a good or even better decision after “a few cocktails” but I have certainly made my worst choices three sheets to the wind . . .

            And though I don’t drink any longer, should I ever get the chance to meet the esteemed one or Mr. Barleycorn, I shall reconsider my boycott of the demon alcohol, just for one night, you know, as an experiment to see how it turns out . . .

            1. John Barleycorn

              Wheeze. A man of your age, with young children experiencing your situational dynamics must keep his priorities straight.

              I have no sage advice but I think your boycott is warranted.

              Besides it is damn near impossible to find any fun experiments you can do with your kids in the back pages of Highlights magazine that complement alcohol consumption. Psilocybin is of another chemical make up all together though.

              http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4vzu3jb7pvQ

              Whatever you choose to do don’t forget that parenting is just practice.

              The real game begins after you complete the circle with your children and you are faced with the quandary and importance of transferring intergenerational nuggets of wisdom to your grandchildren once they start connecting the dots of culpability.

              I am more convinced than ever that your children and future grandchildren will always have your back. You have what it takes to fight the good fight with honor Wheeze no matter what sort of arbitrary bondage the court or society my throw your way.

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