Poster Girl For A Wasted Life

Every once in a while, a story comes along that reflects the diseased perspective of this digital age perfectly.  At a site called Reductress, sent to me by my pal, Stephanie West Allen (I have no clue how she finds these bizarre things, but she does), such a story appeared.  Wait for it…

Woman Uses Law Degree Exclusively for Facebook Arguments

Clickbait? I would guess, but that’s hardly the big issue here. Not only did it appear, but it was proffered as if it was a good thing.

Despite having earned her JD from Columbia Law School in 2012, 32-year-old Jessica Hart has since been using her extensive knowledge of the field exclusively to argue her political ideology in Facebook debates.

Columbia? Figures. But we’re not done here. Oh no. Not by a long shot.

“In every argument on Facebook, I make sure to let everyone know that I indeed earned a Juris Doctor degree from Columbia Law School in 2012,” Hart says. “I think by letting people know I have this degree, it will automatically ensure that they understand my opinions about Justin Bieber to be fact.”

Is that it? Is that all she does with a very expensive law degree that might be put to use doing something like, you know, helping people in real life?

When asked what Hart actually does for a living, close friend Britney Track said she has yet to find out.

“I could have swore I saw Jessica heading into what looked like an office building once, but then I realized it was just an upscale coffee house she was using to browse Facebook,” Track says. “Why would someone bring a briefcase with them just to look at Facebook?”

“I print out and highlight source materials to backup all my arguments,” says Hart.

And is this paying off for her?  Well, she thinks so.

Out of all 135 online altercations she has engaged in this week, Hart claims to have a 100% success rate to date. The topics at hand have included but are not limited to: Donald Trump, male circumcision, women in combat, GMO food labeling, the prison industrial complex, Black Friday starting on Thanksgiving, Daylight Savings time, Oprah, bangs, and The Walking Dead.

“My track record in Facebook arguments up to this point proves I have a wealth of knowledge that shouldn’t be messed with,” Hart said. “At this point, anyone brave enough to contradict me should know I’m a force that doesn’t back down easily.”

But, but, but . . . relax.  It’s satire. Poe’s Law, though.  And that’s what makes it funny. And matter. And pathetically believable.

5 thoughts on “Poster Girl For A Wasted Life

    1. SHG Post author

      Oh, that’s funny. Now you’ve added another level of hilarity to this post. It didn’t even occur to me until you said so.

      1. mb

        We are bored. We are overeducated. We are underproductive. We have internet access. We are legion. We are the millennial generation.

        We will spout nonsense into the interwebz until civilization falls. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

          1. mb

            I am the mb who claims to work at DQ. This is in reference to a joke Scott made a while back about lawyers who don’t like responsibility. I don’t represent my employer here, but it’s a little bit better than flipping burgers. I do have a J.D. I also have a license to practice, but I allowed it to get suspended for not paying any fees or taking any CLE.

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