Being an old white cis-gendered male lawyer, it would be wrong of me to say this, so I’ll let Appellate Squawk* do my dirty work.
Scene: Arraignment pens, counsel visiting area.
Lawyer: Hi there! I’m Suzy, a cis-gendered woman, and I’ll be your attorney for today.
Defendant: About time. I’ve been locked up for a week without seeing a lawyer. I’m innocent. The cops broke down my door without a warrant –
Lawyer: [Reading from a card] I need to know whether your name expresses your internal deeply-held sense of your gender which may or may not be the same or different from your sex assigned at birth –
Defendant: Yeah, whatever. Then they handcuffed me to a chair and started throwing lighted matches on my lap, causing imminent danger to my manhood –
Lawyer: Tut, tut, gender isn’t a matter of stereotypical physical characteristics –
Squawk, I note, is a cis-gendered female, so while she’s allowed to make some fun of the SJW silliness, not too much. Only intersectional females are fully entitled. Yet, xe completes the story.
Lawyer: I’d feel so much better about our relationship if you’d only come out of the closet.
Defendant: But I’m a man. Like Muddy Waters says, “M-A-N, I’m the hootchie cootchie man -”
Lawyer: You pervert, how dare you! (Exit)
Defendant: Damn these girl lawyers.
As I’m constantly informed by law students, baby lawyers and academics, here and on the twitters (only because I don’t Facebook), I am a mean and horrible old man for not being woke, a word I’m not allowed to use, to the feelz of the marginalized. I never ask for their preferred pronouns, and despite the ABA trying desperately to make that a reason for disbarment, what would it hurt to cry at the horrifying and exhausting discrimination that pervades the law?
Our clients want us to defend them. While there will be some who are sensitive to such matters, there is no one in the holding pens who wouldn’t trade freedom for use of their preferred pronouns. They don’t want to be deeply understood; they want to be represented by a lawyer who is more concerned about their rights under the Fourth Amendment than their feelings under the Fourteenth.
No matter what you discuss in Law and Critical Deviant Sexuality class at Yale Law School, you’re given a few minutes to gather the information necessary to save a client’s life, to get the client bail or know whether to take the plea offer. You can spend those few minutes on things that you feel deeply about or things that they feel deeply about, like beating the rap.
And here’s the kicker: most of the people you will represent will be minority, poor, male and, yes, guilty, to some greater or lesser extent. Like me, they too are not woke. Even if they are, they don’t give a damn about it at the moment, and want you to be a tough lawyer focused only on what they need rather than your feminist agenda or transsexual sensitivity.
Indeed, nothing will get them raped quicker in jail than your trying to make them look like they want it from that big guy, Bubba. Guess what? They really don’t want to get raped because of your feelz.
As for Squawk’s “girl lawyer,” that’s not a gender referenced, binary or otherwise, not that the defendant gives a hoot about his lawyer’s genderfluid issues. That “girl lawyer” can be female, male or anywhere in between. because the defendant in the tank only gives a damn about you as a lawyer, and whether you have the balls to do what’s needed to zealously defend him.
And that, kidz, is our only job, no matter how cool you look in your pink pussy hat.
*Squawk is a treasure. Read her. Just do it.