Since I am the foremost acknolwledged authority on lawyerly fashion on the internet, it would be irresponsible of me to ignore the scathing WSJ critique of associates by the Biglaw partners who have to observe them, day after day.

“I share the lament and disgust about the general level of associates’ attire,” says Tom Mills, the 60-year-old managing partner of the Washington office of Winston & Strawn LLP. “I think it’s abysmal.”

When it came time to pick a point person for a plum assignment at Manatt, Phelps & Phillips recently, the New York law firm chose “a polished, professional-looking associate” over a “brilliant” and experienced associate who had been counseled, to no avail, to improve his grooming and attire, says Renee Brissette, a partner at the firm.

Winston & Strawn brought in a personal shopper from a local department store last year to address associates on how to shop and dress for work. Mr. Mills says that when some associates do make an effort to dress up, they seem to base their look on Hollywood. “You get the TV-woman lawyer look with skirts 12 inches above the knee and very tight blouses,” he says. “They have trouble sitting and getting into taxis.”

Why are they made to suffer so at Biglaw?  It those darned kids! During the dot com boom, law firms, perpetual fashion followers, adopted casual Fridays, which soon became “wear whatever you want” any time you want.  Well, that was foolish.  Now they are paying the price of Biglaw fashion liberalism and the partners are not pleased.

For young men and women, a business suit is an uncomfortable yoke to be dusted off for special occasions. “Getting up in the morning and putting on a suit is hard,” says Sara Shikhman, a 26-year-old legal associate at Cadwalader, Wickersham & Taft LLP in New York. She says she hasn’t worn one in six months.

When I was a young lawyer, we wore suits and ties, white shirts and polished shoes, every day. Women wore dresses (not pants suits, Hillary).  We were lawyers, and that was how lawyers dressed.  Not any more.  It’s no longer about looking professional, even for a $160,000 starting salary, but about looking cool.

She [etiquette consultant Gretchen Neels, a former executive recruiter] says many members of the so-called millennial generation have never been schooled in the traditions that previous generations learned at their parents’ knees. Yet these 20-somethings are still being evaluated by old-school bosses and clients. Many members of this generation not only “don’t own a watch — they’ve never owned a watch,” says Ms. Neels. In many white-collar professions, an expensive watch signals success, while a cool cellphone or iPod, though it tells time, signals hipness.

This desire to be “hip” is echoed by the associates as well.

When associates show up at work in suits, their peers think they have a job interview, Ms. Shikhman says. “Guys don’t really polish their shoes,” she adds. They go for cool, rather than traditional. “They wear shoes like you might see Johnny Depp wearing to the Oscars.” She recognizes that her firm’s partners “definitely look more put together than associates, but they also get more sleep than the associates.”

Since I would be unable to identify Johnny Depp, at the Oscars or elsewhere, I can’t say how his shoes appear.  But I get the point. Gretchen Neels also points out that associates don’t put their napkin on their lap anymore either, but then it really doesn’t matter since their blue jeans look better with a dollop of tomato sauce on them.

So how is Biglaw dealing with this sartorial disaster?

Some associates at Cadwalader Wickersham & Taft this winter received a note asking employees to change out of their snow boots after young associates began wearing their Ugg boots all day at work, says Ms. Shikhman.

They call them “Ugg” for a reason, you know.  Being on top of fashion, I can understand why partners mistake the clunky down-under fashion-fixture for snow boots, while associates see them as comfy-cool.  After all, they now come in all sorts of colors, one to match every shirt that reveals one’s belly button.

And as long as we’re discussing women’s fashions, this is not appropriate to wear in the office or court:



Yes, I realize it’s not actually see-through, but there are certain prints that simply won’t do.

With this background, allow me to express my refined views on the subject of office attire.  For crying out loud, you bunch of numbnuts, they’re paying $159,000 a year more than you’re worth and all they want is for you to look like a lawyer.  Would it kill you to put on a tie?  Who exactly do you think you’re impressing with that Johnny Depp scuffy shoe look?  And Uggs are the only footwear that make Crocs look attractive.

Wake up and smell the coffee.  Not only will the people who get to decide your fate (as in, partnership or library lizard) feel better about you, but you may even find that you feel more like a real lawyer yourself.  Grow up!