“SKEEW, Boys, we gots us a doggone tank!” cried Sheriff Joe Bob Briggs of Mud Lick, Alabama, on presentation of a retired MRAP vehicle procured from Alabama’s new Helping Our Loved Defenders Make Your Backyards Even Extra Safer program, otherwise known as the HOLD MY BEERS Act.
The purpose of the HOLD MY BEERS program is to donate out-of-service military equipment, like MRAPs*, fully automatic rifles and grenades to state law enforcement personnel, who are totally trusted to never misuse stuff like this at any time. Ever. Lucky Alabama counties are chosen via random lottery for these important law enforcement implements, which we all know will never make police feel like warriors on a battlefield while carrying out their duties.
“This is a blessing,” said Deputy Buford Alan Holmes, communications director for the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department. “Now our officers can respond to domestic disturbance calls in the safest manner possible: with a big ass tank, bullet proof vests, and bear mace in case a poodle gets testy.”
When presented with evidence an MRAP wasn’t actually a tank, Deputy Holmes called our source “Fake News” and said “Pound sand or you’re getting the first ride on the hood of Ol’ Bessie.” Request for comment revealed the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department did, in fact, name the MRAP after Farmer Duke’s prize dairy cow.
Reactions to “Ol’ Bessie” are mixed among Mud Lick Citizenry. Public Defender Alan McMaster the Third said “Oh sure, we’ve been asking for a bump in our funding for two decades, but when the Sheriff calls a small Alabama town a ‘war zone,’ he gets a tank.”
Judge Stuben McNulty, when asked for comment, said,
It’d be nice if I had an extra General Sessions judge to lighten the already crowded dockets I see daily, but it’s nice Sheriff Briggs gets his new war toy so he can make more arrests, which will clog the Mud Lick jail and my docket even more. We’ve got to keep public safety as a priority!
“I don’t get it,” said Cletus T. Knucklehead, a local resident. “Why does the Sheriff need a tank when the closest thing to mines we get is when my brother gets loaded on moonshine and decides to play with fireworks?”
Knucklehead’s brother, who asked to remain anonymous for this piece for fear of retribution, said of the acquisition, “Not guilty! Roll Tide!!”
Sheriff Briggs claimed during a press conference the MRAP’s main purpose was for educating children about the importance of avoiding drugs and criminal activity. “We want our young’uns to know if they do drugs or their parents do drugs, we’ll show up in “Ol’ Bessie” and they’ll sit in her until CPS comes to pick them up and get them to a pre-approved, God-fearing, law-abiding home.”
Meanwhile, no one questioned Mud Lick’s requisition of eighteen Rocket Propelled Grenade Launchers under the HOLD MY BEERS program, with Sheriff Briggs citing an upcoming sex trafficking epidemic as rationale for their need.
*MRAP stands for “mine-resistant ambush protected.”
but of course, you NEED RPG’s for them thar child stealin’ father rapers..
Quiet down on the Group W bench.
You are going to convince officer Obie to let me outta’ here, aren’t ya?….i promise i won’t say nothing…
When your favorite tool is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.
God have mercy on the nails.
Chris,
Once again, I laugh my ass off. You really should collect your stories and get that damn book published. It might be entitled: “My Attempt to Spay and Neuter the World One Small Cut at a Time.” OK, forget my title. Just get it published!
All the best.
RGK
Maybe it’s time for “Return of the Friday Funnies”?
Why “Skeew” doesn’t even appear in the redneck dictionary, is beyond me, but it does appear in the urban dictionary.
Skew: Skew is largely primarily used in, McMinnville Tennessee. A word used for happiness or when something good has happened.
Who knew?!
Anyway, I hope your editor realizes that they might not actually be able understand the usage of Skeew in Mud Lick without further skewing their blessings into even more proportionality necessities to compensate?
BTW; is it really true that McMinnville is the nursery capitol of the world? And if so what’s up with its nicknames, Methminnville and The Black Hole and what the fuck is gonna happen if they ever deploy the Holland Experiment?
As probably the only (former) McMinnville (pronounced mic-MIN-vul) resident and (current) AL resident to have even heard of SJ, I feel compelled to break my years of silent lurking to offer some inside perspective: “Skew” is used locally in parts of Middle and East TN to express surprise or amazement. It probably originated as a minced version of “shit or “shoot” and is actually more commonly heard “up on the mountain” around Beersheba (pronounced BUR-shi-buh) Springs, Altamont and Coalmont where the hillbilly’s hillbillies live than down in the lowlands of McMinnville. I’ve never heard the term used in Alabama – I believe it’s strictly a Cumberland Plateau regionalism.
McMinnville does indeed bill itself as the Nursery Capital of The World. The combination of cheap land, good soil, perfect climate for most deciduous trees and shrubs, and terrain that is just a little too hilly and erosion-prone for row crops make that claim at least somewhat credible – there are dozens of huge, old, extended-family-run nursery operations all around Warren County and the surrounding areas.
The downside of the idyllic family-run economy: unless you’re born into a family business or the petit bourgeois that runs local business and politics, there are precious few prospects for middle-class employment, and the few that remain are getting scarcer every year. It can be hard to stay, and often even harder to get out. Like so many other towns in decline, meth and opioids can soothe the miserable, entertain the bored, and enrich the unscrupulous. A long-established subculture of scofflaw poachers and moonshiners and an equally entrenched system of predatory, authoritarian local governments only makes matters worse.
I keep hearing about them moonshiners, but I never get any proof in a bottle.
Making Mud Lick Alabama safe for both kinds of music!
Small town, large vehicle. What could wrong?
Hate to point out that it’s the HOLD MY BEES act.
Thanks, Chris, I love it!
There’s always one person.
There’s an R in Extra.
Looks like enough demand exists for my odd brand of humor. I’m touched.
Check back next Friday, folks!
Clearly not a tank, and he’s a dumbass to not realize.
If by “he” you mean any party listed in this piece, I’m reliably informed Mud Lick’s population isn’t known for their intelligence.