Orange Cat . . . Caught

The big question around Casa de SJ was whether the hated, vicious, despicable terrorist, bad orange cat, was stupid enough to allow itself to be caught again. This morning, we have an answer.

This does not, of course, answer the overarching question about what I plan to do with the cat. For reasons that make my head hurt, many of you assumed I was seeking advice on how to either eradicate the “vermin,” turn it into my own precious pet or otherwise rid myself of this meddlesome cat. I was not.

To the extent the advice applied to my circumstances (does anyone consider that life at Casa de SJ may differ slightly from wherever the hell you live?), which wasn’t much frankly, thank you for your interest in being helpful. But helpful advice wasn’t sought or needed. I knew the solution; it was the execution. Or to put it more bluntly, I have no plan to kill a cat, even if you see no reason not to. That just ain’t me. Sorry. Call me a wuss. I can take it.

Anybody who lives far away from me want a free cat?

Only kidding. I know what I will do, and it won’t involve the humane course of neutering and returning him to Casa de SJ where I don’t want this orange cat, nutless or otherwise. And there’s no alternate society of kindness to feral critters who will take him in and envelope him with love and carbon monoxide.

Nor do I have a gun, though a BB gun still seems like a handy thing to keep around the house. As does a green laser pointer, for fun with cats if nothing else.

And cat will remain outside, as he’s always been, because nobody wants him inside the house. We’re not pet people, cat, dog or miniature horse. You are? That’s nice. Don’t care.

I know what I must do. I will toughen up and do it. It will be done.

64 thoughts on “Orange Cat . . . Caught

  1. Felicia Herman

    Even if you intend to return him to the wild, please contact a no-kill shelter to get him neutered first. That will at least prevent many unwanted litters of kittens.

    1. SHG Post author

      Good intentions eventually run head first into harsh reality. There’s only one animal shelter within the distance I’m willing to drive for this feral beast, and they wanted nothing to do with it and turned me away. I’m all for spaying and neutering, but I’m not going private vet to accomplish it (at my expense, assuming a vet would go near this vicious animal).

      If there was a place to bring it and have it fixed and then taken to the farm to live out the rest of its days playing happily in fields of lavender, I would have. There isn’t. I can’t change that.

      1. LocoYokel

        Scott,

        For whatever my opinion may or may not matter to you, good for not killing the cat. I presume that you are intending to take it some distance away and release it. I would just advise that there be a large body of water with no easy crossing between you and where you plan to release. It will attempt to return to what it believes to be its home territory if it can.

      2. Nick Lidakis

        Consider performing the Inverse Dead Parrot :

        1. Administer 1ml of children’s Benadryl to orange cat’s food 40 min prior to travel.

        2. Have Dr. SJ drive said cat to the same shelter that turns away feral cats.

        3. When Dr. Sj is asked if this is the same feral cat that made a previous appearance she
        will say, “I don’t associate with feral beasts of the two-legged or four-legged variety. This
        little kitty is just pining for the fjords. Look how calm and sweet.”

        4. Send in anonymous donation to said shelter to help cover medical costs for abrasions, lacerations and possible glass eye(s).

        END

  2. Hunting Guy

    You could send him to a taxidermist and then ship him on to Jenny Lawson. She’ll give him a good home.

  3. Guitardave

    He must’ve been really hungry…and a bit stupid. Most all the cats I’ve been around have a healthy paranoia, one bad experience with an object and they remember and avoid a repeat.

    1. SHG Post author

      There’s no way to prove this, but I suspect cat dared him to go in the trap and get the food. (What? Are you a pussy?”) Cat might be old and not quite as virile, but he knows stuff.

    2. Lee

      We are on our third orange cat, Dave. They have all been very lovable and cuddly – and dumb as a rock. 🙂

      1. Guitardave

        On further reflection, none of the farm cats, or others I’ve had were orange…i guess that colored my experience. I’m currently the butler for a little black Matrix voodoo kitty…i swear she’s psychic and can bi-locate….she only makes me open the door to remind me who’s in charge,

        1. Jim Tyre

          HG, are you trying to make Scott’s readers stupider? (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.) “Cat gut” strings are typically made with sheep intestines, and many modern strings don’t use any bodily parts at all. ‘-)

  4. Skink

    Don’t know from cats. Swamp cats seem to disappear long before they get to a road. Even then, only the puny new ones were too dopey to get out of the way of a truck hauling oranges or sugar cane. Puny, new and dopey doesn’t result in a long meaningful life.

  5. Mr. Ed

    I am glad you didn’t kill the cat. Every hero needs a quality villain to keep him on his toes.

    1. albeed

      I agree, but I haven’t decided who’s the hero and who’s the villain. I’m kind of rooting for Mr. Orange Cat.

      1. Hunting Guy

        This could be a children’s book. Poor cat, alone in the world, hungry, looking for a friend.

        Trapped by a mean lawyer, then rescued by the lawyers daughter and goes on to live a happy and content life with lots of catnip toys.

  6. Ross

    Use your government contacts to get the cat into Witness Protection, or maybe the CIA(Cat Intelligence Agency) can do a rendition to a black site overseas.

  7. Nonlawyer101

    I never laughed so hard reading a law blog and all the comments thereafter. Thank you for the humor.

  8. Keith

    Is there really a cat or is this an allegory about what happens when you voluntarily go and say the wrong words to the officials you’re seeking help from?

  9. Black Bellamy

    Aversive conditioning. Take the caged cat to a certain spot on your property. Turn on the water hose and soak cat thoroughly while yelling “I would rather be a bad feminist than no feminist at all!” at the top of your lungs. Move cage to another spot. Repeat. Finally after covering your entire demesne, open the trap door and incant the final chant: “Somewhere along the line we started misinterpreting the First Amendment and this idea of the freedom of speech the amendment grants us!”. Keep chanting until the orange cat is gone. He will not come back. Please send $5 to the people on the list and add your name to the top.

  10. CLS

    While Orange Cat Bad is still in your care, a bit of scientific testing may be in order.

    Explain the Rule Against Perpetuities to him and see how long it takes before he tries to murder you from within the confines of his steel prison.

    We know what it does to humanoid law students who aren’t property law gunners. What about felines?

    You must do this for the good of science!

  11. tamarflower

    Best to not leave ANY food whatsoever, even for a trap in regards to feral cats. Feral cats will come back when food or water is left. Best bet is to leave it alone, not leaving food and the feral will go away.

    1. SHG Post author

      I asked cat what he thought of your idea to starve him to death. He said “meow,” which I understood to mean “are you high?”

    2. pml

      The best thing is a rope and a deep pond. Do everyone a favor and dispose of it. Don’t push the problem off on someone else. It is a feral cat, its not going to change and if you let it go someone else will have to deal with it. End the problem, quickly and be done

  12. wilbur

    I didn’t think he’d go near that cage again. Either me or that cat is pretty damn stupid.

    Now he has to go to timeout. I love a happy ending.

  13. Hunting Guy

    Robert Heinlein.

    “How you behave toward cats here below determines your status in Heaven.”

    “If you would know a man, observe how he treats a cat.”

  14. Jeff Gamso

    Post pig, I was holding my not-yet-then-bride’s cat when it breathed its last. As the largest cat of the litter (and of a breed we referred to as “orange dummy,” for which non-PC phrasing we’d surely be shunned if not driven from polite society – wait, this is SJ, not polite society) it had been named “Bruiser.” It was, however the first to go. The dumpster behind her apartment was his resting place, though I suppose he eventually made it to landfill.

    Perhaps you now have custody of a relative.

    And aren’t you glad that I’m here to provide whimsical asides from a time before you were old enough to ride a bike.

  15. Turk

    All those comments and all that music and no one bothered with:

    Black and orange stray cat sittin’ on a fence
    I ain’t got enough dough to pay the rent
    I’m flat broke but I don’t care
    I strut right by with my tail in the air

  16. BTF

    I thought this was all allegorical to Donald Trump… but now I’m all caught up, and I’m starting to think it was just about a cat?

    For shame!

    My forced relocation of a beastly feral cat went off without a hitch, he bolted as fast as his monstrous legs could carry him upon release. I’m sure you’ll have no problems…. although he was near albino (or looked that way after living out the winter inside a warehouse), perhaps the orange have a more mean spirited nature.

  17. TommyG

    It isn’t easy being cheesy. I grew up In the country on FM ‘Not my Pet Anymore’, and my Father had a son who couldn’t imagine a dog would harm him. I know my Father did things he would’ve preferred not to do, but he took care of his own because it was his job.

    Consider it moral support.

  18. Rojas

    All these views and no takers. I beginning to loose my faith in humanity.
    Perhaps you should give the kitty a bath.
    Then post up a new pic in different surroundings. Some place that does not immediately bring to mind his felonious past.

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