Dear SJ Readers:
In these trying, uncertain times, we at Simple Justice want you to know we will be there for you. And since in many areas lawyers are considered “essential services,” after a few discussions with my mean-ass editor, I have great news to offer you. We’re hitting the road to help clients and fellow lawyers in need.
We’re retrofitting the old RV to become the Official SJ Mobile World Headquarters©. If you’ve got a criminal defense problem, just call us at our handy-dandy hotline, 1-888-GET-BENT. We’ll take your name, address, and phone number down and schedule you for a consultation when we get to your area or good and ready, whichever comes first.
Upon arrival to our mobile legal
and marital advice clinic, you’ll be greeted by our paralegals Rufus and Rocky. This father-and-son duo aren’t just well versed in ATF restrictions on liquor in every state, they also make our patented SJ Hand Sanitizer, which is 75% alcohol. That’s better and tastier than the stuff you can’t find these days in stores!
We also promise you’ll find our mobile World Headquarters to be a safe and sanitary environment for you on arrival. Rufus and Rocky know how to maintain a sterile environment ever since the feds charged them with creating a public health hazard on a totally bogus meth charge, so they deep clean and sanitize all office surfaces after each contact.
Social distancing isn’t a problem for the SJ Mobile World Headquarters. Much as we love humanity, nobody on board actually likes people. So we’ll keep you at least six feet away from any of our staff while we help you through your legal troubles.
Through our years of experience, we’ve learned many people feel like having a drink after hearing one of our staff utter the words, “Sit down, I have something to tell you and it’s going to make you sad.” So we’re excited to announce Rufus and Rocky’s hand sanitizer doubles as a stiff drink when you’re facing bad news! It’ll clean your hands and relax your nerves—a win-win if I’ve ever heard of one!
Now there might be a situation where you’re going to want to plead out to an offense you’ve allegedly committed. Don’t worry about that! We’ve partnered with our resident in-house jurist, the Notorious RGK himself, to bring you the latest invention in criminal law: Pleas by Skype!
Once we’ve worked out your plea bargain with the prosecutor assigned to your case, just hit the “Guilty” button on your console inside our mobile unit and Judge Kopf will appear on screen from his secluded bunker in deepest Nebraska. He will be glad to hear your colloquy virtually and appear to look deeply interested.
We’ll call in victim impact statements and submit letters of support via Skype for Judge Kopf’s consideration. He will review all the pertinent evidence and then issue the appropriate sentence via the Sentence-O-Matic 1000™.
If your sentence involves a stay in prison, we’ll make sure you get at least one N95-style appropriate face mask and pair of surgical gloves before you go inside. Unfortunately, you’re going to have to barter with your fellow inmates once you get in for more, but we’re sure our dedicated paralegals will let you know how to do just that!
Don’t worry too much with the specific legalities of this brand new mode of providing criminal defense services to the public. Every day we’re trying to figure out new and innovative means to survive in this bizarre world where days seem like weeks. We’ll deal the logistics. You sit back and let us handle all the hard work.
Thanks for your support! We’ll look forward to helping you and people you know when the SJ Mobile World Headquarters hits your town.
By the way, if you want to jump to the front of the line in your area, gift a bottle of Bowmore 18. It’s a way of saying thanks that will get you noticed immediately.
Have a great week! We can’t wait to see you!