Prefatory Note: I told my wife this week of my interest in taking Chris Harrison’s hosting duties for the “Bachelor” series of TV shows. “Fuck no,” she told me, “you’re the least sympathetic person to put on television. It’d never work.” I decided to write a bit of what “The Bachelorette” might look like if I had my way. She might be right. You be the judge–CLS
[We open on a scene of a man standing in front of a lavish manor-style hotel. Brown-haired and in his forties, the man wears a tweed jacket, a black T-shirt with the design of the back of a red playing card, and jeans. He holds a snifter of brandy.]
MAN: Hello, Bachelor Nation. I’m sure many of you were expecting Chris Harrison tonight. Unfortunately he said some things that upset a lot of people. He’s doing great in sensitivity training, but we’ve got love in the air this season on “The Bachelorette!”
Or so I’m told. The producers pay me an obscene sum to say dramatic things like that. Anyway let’s get this thing started. I’m your new host, Chris Seaton. Welcome to . . . “The Bachelorette!”
[Cue opening credits.”Greenback Boogie” plays over generic romance photos with a ton of shots of me swimming in piles of money like Scrooge McDuck.]
[We return to our host outside of the posh mansion.]
SEATON: If you’ve seen the show, you know what we’re about to do. If not, here’s the skinny: a really hot single chick is about to show up. She’s looking for love and we have around thirty sexy studs who’ve spent two weeks in quarantine with the only female interaction being hotel porn. So let’s see if she gets married. Or not. Anyway, let’s get this thing going. I’m on an hourly rate.
[A limo pulls up and a petite blonde exits, wearing a silver evening dress.]
SEATON: So you’re the woman who agreed to basically whore herself out on national television in the off chance you’ll find your soul mate?
BACHELORETTE: (nervous and confused) That’s not how I’d put it…
SEATON: It’s okay. You’re not paid to think. Are you excited to start your love journey?
SEATON: Cool. So you’re going to stand here and all the guys the producers think you might be into are going to introduce themselves. Just smile, be nice, and try not to seem too interested in anyone, okay?
[CHYRON: MAYBE WE’LL GET HER NAME AFTER THE BREAK.]
BACHELORETTE: I guess…
SEATON: Great. Enjoy yourself.
[SEATON flashes a smile to the camera]
SEATON: Let’s leave the lovebirds to their courtship rituals while we get a word from our sponsors.
[CUT to commercial]
[We return to a shot of SEATON in a lavish study. He’s traded the blazer for a red smoking jacket.]
SEATON: We last left our Bachelorette, who I’m told is named “Kelly,” meeting all the men who are going to jockey for status as the house’s Alpha Bro. Let’s check in on the night’s happenings.
[Cut to house interior, where thirty men are mingling with Kelly at a cocktail party.]
SEATON via VOICEOVER: Looks like things are right on track. If this is your first time watching “The Bachelorette,” Kelly will send ten of these guys home tonight with only a set of blueballs for their effort at our “Rose Ceremony,” where she hands out roses to the guys she thinks might be good in the sack.
Let’s see what’s in store on this, the most dramatic and surprising season of “The Bachelorette” to date. By the way I’m contractually required to say that every season is “the most dramatic and surprising.” You be the judge.
[We see a montage of scenes from the season, ending on KELLY, crying in a white dress.]
SEATON: Love, heartbreak, passion and a happy life are all on the line while I get paid a ton of money to pretend like I care!
[Cut to credits]