Seaton: Worst Cooks, SJ Edition

It’s been quite the week, dear readers. We recently had a flood of in-law…I mean rabid squirrels descend on my quiet mountain home. Sometimes one needs a vacation after dealing with a rabid squirrel infestation.

Anyway, with my wits sorely needing a break, I thought it time we played a bit of a game.

Dr. S. and I are quite fond of cooking competition shows. One of those shows is called “Worst Cooks In America,” where Chef Anne Burrell and a guest (ranging from Bobby Flay to Rachel Ray) attempt to turn people with zero kitchen skills into restaurant-quality chefs cooking for food critics.

One of the perverse aspects of this show is you have to be nominated by a loved one to compete. Not only does someone close to you think your cooking sucks, they nominate you to be on a show highlighting how bad your cooking sucks in the chance you’ll suck less than everyone else to win $25,000.

So today we’re nominating people for a new spin-off: “Worst Cooks in America: SJ All-Stars.” Nominate someone, famous or infamous, in the criminal justice system to be on “Worst Cooks” and tell us why. For bonus points, let us know what food atrocity landed them on the show and what kitchen disaster, if any, would have your contestant turn in their chef’s apron in disgrace.

This is for laughs, people, so let’s swing for the fences.

Best response in the comments gets the coveted SJ Friday Funny “Attaboy” from me, with criteria solely based on my arbitrary whims.

Let’s see what you’ve got.

Have a great weekend, everyone! I’m going to take a nap.

20 thoughts on “Seaton: Worst Cooks, SJ Edition

  1. Jim

    If defendants are eligible I’m thinking it would be a toss up between Alferd Packer and John Wayne Gacy with Packer getting the nod due to having a college cafeteria named in his honor.

    Reply
  2. Mark Daniel Myers

    Our next contestant is Mr. Joseph Rakofsky! Mr. Rakofsky has never been in a kitchen before but is going to compete on a cooking show because how hard could it be? Mr. Rakofsky was heard telling everyone who would listen that he’d never been on a cooking show before.

    Bizarrely, Mr. Rakofsky referred to children playing “in the projects of Southeast D.C., where there was always gambling, guns, and drugs.” “There are drugs in the projects of Southeast D.C. There are guns all the time and drugs” which made sense to no one, and seemed quite irrelevant. Rakofsky seemed to justify these statements by saying the children were a symbol of what cooking is like growing up, even though none of these alleged children were contestants on the show.

    This just in, one of the judges just received an email from Mr. Rakofsky’s investigator who provided an email to the judge with instructions to “trick the judges” into saying his food was the best.

    Sherlock Grigsby sponsored Mr. Rakofsky’s appearance on the show, since Mr. Rakofsky is from out of town, and appears to sincerely regret ever hearing his name.

    Mr. Rakofsky will be cooking steak, which he has chosen to do in a microwave. Mark Bennett was heard shouting from the gallery, “THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS. THAT’S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS, YOU NEANDERTHAL.”

    Before the conclusion of the taped episode, Mr. Rakofsky was removed from the show by one of the judges, William Jackson, who said Mr. Rakofsky did not “…have a good grasp of cooking procedures.”

    The episode will be retaped some time next year.

    Reply
  3. Richard Kopf

    CLS,

    I nominate Skink cooking his famous stew made of Southeastern Five-lined Skink,Ground Skink,Mole Skink, Broad Headed Skink and the famous and increasingly rare (endangered species) Florida Sand Skink. Of course, the stew is laced with bacon bits.

    This is not high cuisine. No, its low cuisine. And that’s the attraction to swamp dwellers everywhere. It is, however, an “acquired” taste for those who do not regularly wear shower caps and see out of one eye.

    Bon Appetit.

    RGK

    All the best.

    Reply
      1. MIKE GUENTHER

        1/4 ” thick baked bacon is the perfect garnish for Bloody Marys. In fact, the only garnish acceptable to me. Feed the Okra, Celery and Olive garnish to the rabbits, if you please

        Reply
    1. CLS

      Skink, Alfred Packer, John Wayne Gacy and Joseph Rakofsky walk into a kitchen…

      If that’s not the start to a hell of a joke I don’t know what would be.

      Reply
  4. CLS

    Time to put a pin in this one.

    As usual, when I do these games you guys come with the thunder.

    Attaboys all around.

    Now let’s get a drink!

    Reply
  5. Skink

    Chris–it’s that SHG that is the innkeeper of this here Hotel. He had a simple assignment: peanut butter and jelly sandwich. What mental deflationist could screw that up? It’s literologically unpossible to screw up: pick the bread (Wonder, always); pick the jelly flavor; and crunchy or smooth.

    Not for our boy. Little known by the denizens is that he is laser-locked on French. Nothing not French is good enough to be just no good. It must be French or it’s not really food. He’s like frenchtarded on the subject.

    So it went with the humble PB&J. It could not be simple because it had to be Frenched. Peanut butter? Nope–creme fraiche with hazelnuts and truffles. Jelly ain’t apparently good without dijon, shallots and herbes de provence. You don’t want to know about the fromage. He glopped the stuff on his bread: crepe on one side and a stupid French waffle on the other. The waffle dents were filled with Hollandaise, powdered in a bag.

    He wasn’t just eliminated from the competition. He was depantsed and thrown in the alley, where he was sure to be found by his culinary ilk.

    Reply

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