Seaton: An Idiot’s Guide to DWTS Season 30

What the hell is DWTS?

Glad you asked! It’s an acronym for “Dancing With The Stars.”

And why the fuck are you talking about it today?

One, I write the jokes around here on Fridays.
Two, this is the 30th season of Dancing With The Stars. The show’s been on the air for sixteen years. That’s longer than just about all the Hollywood marriages combined.

We might as well have fun with it while we can.

Okay, I’ll humor you. What’s the deal with the show?

Great! It’s a ballroom dancing competition show featuring celebrities who dance weekly with their professional dance partners. Judges then grade the performers on a scale ranging from 6-10 points, and viewers have to vote, “American Idol” style, on which couples will make it to next week’s competition.

Why should I give two shits and a popcorn fart about goddamn ballroom dancing?

First, it’s not bad to introduce a little culture and sophistication into your life.
Second, someone you know of the feminine persuasion probably watches this shit anyway. You might as well watch informed. That way you sound smart and stuff.

Okay. Who does the judging?

This season it’ll be choreographer Carrie Ann Inaba, pro dancer Derek Hough, choreographer Bruno Tonioli rejoined by ballroom dancing judge and eternal curmudgeon Len Goodman, a British export from the series “Strictly Come Dancing,” a sort of sister show to DWTS.

Len missed last season due to travel restrictions from the UK due to COVID-19, but it’ll be nice to know this year I’ll get to jab at whether Len took his happy pills or not that night.

Fair enough. Who are the stars this season?

Um, before we go further on this topic I should probably warn you the producers take the word “Stars” very, very loosely.

Okay, make with the names.

I’m seriously warning you. They had Sean Spicer on once, for no reason than to dress him in some of the most ridiculous outfits possible before he left the show.

Fair enough. Low bar set. Now NAMES.

Alrighty. The Celebrities for Season 30 are country singer Jimmie Allen, Spice Girl Mel C, Christine Chiu from “Bling Empire,” Brian Austin Green of “Beverly Hills 90210,” Melora Hardin from “The Office,” Olivia Jade Giannulli, “Bachelor” Matt James…

HOLD UP. Did you say Olivia Jade? As in Lori Laughlin’s kid?

sigh I told you there was a low bar for “Star” on this show.

Sorry for interrupting. Please continue.

Glad I could be of assistance, strange voice in my head with whom I’m conversing.

Before the interruption, let’s see…we have “The Talk’s” Amanda Kloots, Martin Kove of “Karate Kid” and “Cobra Kai” fame, Olympian Suni Lee, WWE superstar Mike “The Miz” Mizanin, “Real Housewives of Atlanta’s” Kenya Moore, Peloton instructor Cody Rigsby, NBA star Iman Shumpert, and pop star Jojo Siwa.

So we’ve got a bunch of D-list actors, Bert Kreese from the Karate Kid, a pro wrestler, and a Real Housewife. Yep, bottom of the barrel stuff.
Don’t say you weren’t warned in advance.

I assume there’s some host or MC to this debacle?

You assume correctly. Tyra Banks returns this year to host, once again making regular show watchers cringe and wish for Tom Bergeron and Erin Andrews to come back.

Unfortunately they smartened up and left the gig, so we’re stuck with Tyra.

You’ve apparently watched this before. Anyone stand out as a favorite to win?

If you’re holding a gun to my head, I’d say Suni Lee has a great shot to take the mirrorball trophy. Olympians generally do well. Cody Rigsby and Mel C might have a shot depending on their footwork and whether they connect with the fans.

Unfortunately, all this goes out the window if the producers invoke the “Bobby Bones Rule.”

What the fuck is the “Bobby Bones Rule?”

Back in 2018, a radio host from Nashville named Bobby Bones took home the mirrorball trophy despite having zero dance experience, sucking ass at every routine, and never getting a score higher than an eight from the judges.

It was considered the biggest upset in show history. After that, the producers created what they called the “Bobby Bones Rule” to ensure at least some level of skill was present in the eventual winner.

Yeesh. So this thing is faker than pro wrestling?

Pretty much.

All right, if we’re to watch this hot mess, how do we do it?

The premiere is this Monday, September 20, at 8 PM Eastern. Results are usually the following week or Tuesdays, depending on ABC’s other commitments.

Well, I now know more about Dancing With The Stars than I ever wanted to know.

Huh. Funny you say that, strange internal voice. My mean-ass editor says that about a lot of stuff I’m well-versed in.

That’s all for this week, folks! Happy Friday! Enjoy the weekend, and relish in the fact you’re free to avoid competitive ballroom dancing shit I’ll have to watch for a month or two!

We’ll see you next time!

20 thoughts on “Seaton: An Idiot’s Guide to DWTS Season 30

  1. Robert Parry

    Not noted on list of shits to give: There are worse things a red-blooded hetero American male can do than watch a show stocked with ladies whose job is to exercise all day.

    Also, when is SHG gonna be on? He’s got more Twitter followers than half of those shows get in ratings.

    Reply
          1. Scarlet Pimpernel

            Well that was one of the perks for monthly subscriptions to the donation can.*

            * Offer void in the district of Columbia. Nude body suit dance videos are know to the state of California to cause cancer

            Reply
  2. MIKE GUENTHER

    I’d druther poke Porcupine spines in my eyeballs than watch DWTS. That goes for just about every other ‘reality’ show.

    Reply
    1. CLS

      Good question. Technically the score is from 1-10 but I’ve never seen a score lower than a six.

      Until Dr. Seaton reminded me Sean Spicer got a 5.

      Reply
  3. JR

    All well and good but now we know. You created an atmosphere for Americans to elect as US President a reality show character. So it was your fault all along.

    Reply
  4. Edward

    There’s an equal chance of me watching DWTS versus Two Girls, One Cup which I read about here and still haven’t been able to erase from my memory and it’s been a couple of years. Fortunately, I knew what DWTS was so I don’t have to look it up.

    Reply

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