Public Service Announcement: Lose The Tin Foil Hat

I was quite surprised when my pal Eric Mayer, the  Unwashed Advocate (a title that still gives me the willies) informed me of a very important study. I was less surprised to learn that it came out of MIT, since I expect all the really important scientific work to come from there.

What makes this study so critical is the meteoric rise in readers of blogs in the internet who share a certain fashion trend, not only considered highly attractive in some circles but also deemed quite utilitarian.  That’s right, it’s those who wear the tin foil hat. This information is not only valuable to readers of SJ, but to many of the blogs I regularly read, like Balko’s Agitator, Popehat, Turley, Berman’s  Sentencing Law and even the Volokh Conspiracy, which has lately become a hotbed of shiny chapeaus.

Among a fringe community of paranoids, aluminum helmets serve as the protective measure of choice against invasive radio signals. We investigate the efficacy of three aluminum helmet designs on a sample group of four individuals. Using a $250,000 network analyser, we find that although on average all helmets attenuate invasive radio frequencies in either directions (either emanating from an outside source, or emanating from the cranium of the subject), certain frequencies are in fact greatly amplified. These amplified frequencies coincide with radio bands reserved for government use according to the Federal Communication Commission (FCC). Statistical evidence suggests the use of helmets may in fact enhance the government’s invasive abilities. We speculate that the government may in fact have started the helmet craze for this reason.

You read that correctly.  And no, it’s not a matter of style, as testing was done on three of the most common, and dare I say attractive, styles.

The three helmet types tested
The Classical The Fez
The Centurion

Personally, I think the Centurion is a bit pretentious for daytime wear, and suggest that it would be best used only in the evening or for formal occasions.

And what, you are no doubt dying to know, was the outcome?

Conclusion

The helmets amplify frequency bands that coincide with those allocated to the US government between 1.2 Ghz and 1.4 Ghz. According to the FCC, These bands are supposedly reserved for ”radio location” (ie, GPS), and other communications with satellites. The 2.6 Ghz band coincides with mobile phone technology. Though not affiliated by government, these bands are at the hands of multinational corporations.
It requires no stretch of the imagination to conclude that the current helmet craze is likely to have been propagated by the Government, possibly with the involvement of the FCC. We hope this report will encourage the paranoid community to develop improved helmet designs to avoid falling prey to these shortcomings.

No doubt the same two things that struck me in the conclusion struck you as well.  Mobile phone technology?  GPS?  Coincidence?  If you think it’s possible, then you are not a true paranoid and might as well just go about your daily life as if the government isn’t shooting gamma rays directly at you. Heh.

As I anticipate that you will certainly want to show your deep appreciation for this critical study by sending a substantial check to MIT, please note on the check that it is being sent because of this PSA and include my name in crayon, so that it will be applied to any outstanding tuition bills due.  It’s the least you can do to thank me for this fashion advice.

9 comments on “Public Service Announcement: Lose The Tin Foil Hat

  1. REvers

    I’ve always preferred colanders over tinfoil hats. They last longer, they’re easy to paint in your favorite team colors, and since they’re made out of thicker metal they give some protection when the government tries to drop something on you from a circling drone. You can hook screendoor springs to them to precisely tune out the proper radio frequencies, too. They’re just better all around.

  2. SHG

    While I can completely see the virtue of being able to paint your fav team colors on the colanders (Go Giants!!!), it would seem that all those holes would make it less effective. Sounds like the basis for a new study to me.

  3. John Neff

    The holes are too small and close together to make any difference. I like the idea of a durable multipurpose device. Tinfoil is a waste of material.

    Would the FBI or the Dept. of Mental Health fund the study?

  4. Thomas R Griffith

    Sir, this is my favorite all-time PSA.

    This study will eventually spill over into the judicial system as it leads up another law banning foil wear & accessories in the courts, due to a rash of attorneys / lawyers pleading the foil defense. Next, it’ll be the shoes (the shinny ones), leather pants, greasy hair and anyone named Vinny. Thanks.

    Note: Rule #44. Despite how cool they appear, beware of a client (yout) that dons a foil grill. Eww, foil teeth.

  5. SHG

    No worries. Anytime you use three “w”s, the program reads it as a hyperlink. I deleted one “w” and the link disappears.

  6. Thomas R. Griffith

    Officer: Can you describe the person that robbed you?

    Victim: No, I was blinded by the light and choking the whole time. Oh, I’ll never forget the lights and fur balls.

    Looks like Huggy Bear gained some weight & foil stocks are looking pretty good about now. Thanks a million, now my face hurts.

Comments are closed.