Question:  What’s worse than the feds being able to track your whereabouts and know what you’re doing through your cellphone?

Answer:  Marketers doing it.

It was no doubt inevitable that our nation of imaginative folks would find a way to turn the utility of a cellphone against us.  It just a matter of time.  According to this report, it’s all but a done deal, with cellphone companies set to make a fortune from marketers as soon as they can figure out some way to do it without pissing all their customers off.  Thankfully, no one has explained to them that if they all do it at the same time, then customers can be as angry as they want, but will have no place to turn for privacy.  Oh nuts.  I hope no one read that last thing.

Unlike other people I know, I am not a cellphone aficionado.  I don’t turn my phone on unless I have to make a call to someone.  When my contract expires, I get whatever phone they are giving away for free that day, and feel no warmth from the status of carrying the coolest phone around.  On the contrary, I feel rather proud of my thrifty decision.

But others disagree with me.  My sister (and every member of her family) can only be reached by cellphone, limiting my conversations with her to two out of every three words spoken.  I’ve yet to miss anything consequential.  Strangely, I envision her liking this new marketing miracle.

Imagine getting pitches for rental cars and hotels the moment you land in San Francisco because an analysis of past calls suggests you tend to take week long trips there. Or if day trips to Boston are your thing, you might get an offer for cab service instead.

Are consumers going to be spooked by the idea that suddenly their phone goes beep and it’s a Starbucks offer, and they are standing next to a Starbucks?”

I can see her thinking this is the greatest thing since sliced bread, a coupon the second she needs it.  Needless to say, heavy cellphone users also tend to favor $5 cups of flavored coffee.

The cellphone industry has been reluctant to let marketers inside for fear of a backlash of privacy concerns, not to mention the potential for customers freaking out when they realize how they are being targeted.   Not that I am unconcerned about the privacy issues (indeed, I am), but I even more deeply concerned about the annoyance factor. 

The other day, I received a text message.  It was the second I’ve ever received (the first came from a young lawyer who now knows better), and it pumped some penny stock.  When my bill came, I found that I was charged 15 cents for the pleasure of the message.  Now I know it’s not much, but how in the world does some pump and dump house end up costing me money?  I told my cellphone provider that I want to block all text messages and I refuse to pay for them.  They laughed and laughed.  They must think us old-timers are just hysterically funny.

Maybe I’m just wrong on this technological breakthrough.  I certainly realize that others have so much to say to so many people that they are on their cellphones every waking moment, especially when they are driving in an SUV full of children.  Perhaps these marketing messages will just expand their joy.  Perhaps I will be the only person left in America with my cellphone off who doesn’t check his incoming messages to see whether it includes a Starbucks coupon.  I don’t know.  But I still think this is a horrible development.