My fellow curmudgeon, Mark Hermann, has stolen my newest new word, blogolater.   This comes on the heals of my finally receiving due credit for coining the term Slackoisie in the Urban Dictionary.  The only problem, of course, is that I didn’t actually invent either word, the former having come from Hermann himself and the latter from Dan Hull.  But I’ll take as much credit as I can get since my skills in lexicography are somewhat stilted.

But Hermann’s word refers to the cottage industry of blog support, those folks who provide turnkey blogs, or teach you the twelve rules of blogging, or bring you coffee to celebrate your first blog post.  He came up with this word during his unscientific research into the lifespan of a blog.  It’s now officially twelve hours.  There are 17 million blogs, 52% of which are defunct before the pot of coffee is fully brewed.

Since I’ve enjoyed modest success with Simple Justice, assuming one defines success as getting a few people who aren’t related to read my blawg, I could conjure up some rules that would probably help.  I could make a list, and then everybody would read it because people love lists.  They especially love lists if the name of their blawg is one it.  If I had a blog about cheese, and listed the ten best legal blawgs including Above the Law, I bet that Ellie would write a post about it. 

I won’t write a list, however, as I’m not in the business of telling others how to succeed at blawging.  I do this for self-preservation, as I’ve got more blawg-stuff to read than I can handle already, and I surely don’t need more.  I don’t promote seminars about how to be the next blawgospheric hero.  I see blawgers I’ve never heard of pontificating on how to blawg.  It strikes me wrong, but if that’s what they want to do, so be it.

On the other hand, I do have a few things I see from newbie blawgers that turn me off right away.  The first is the newbie self-proclaimed expert.  Jamie Spencer has a list of new kids on the block, one calling itself Ask the Criminal Law Expert.  Maybe he is an expert.  Maybe he’s not. But I hate it already.  Proclaiming yourself an expert is really tacky.

Most new blawgs are self-promotional, and think that they’re going to impress the crap out of would-be clients who stumble upon it in the search for a home for their hard-earned money.  That’s never worked before, and isn’t likely to work with each new blawg that comes along.  There is almost nothing that guarantees failure more than self-promotion.  Yet this happens over and over.

Then there’s the folks who start up blawgs and say nothing.  Great idea.  Lots of people really want to spend their time reading nothing.  It’s fascinating.  It’s interesting. It’s worthless.  I’ve been accused of being unduly bold in my opinions.  This is a curious criticism, since they’re my opinions and if I didn’t think they were correct, why would I bother to put them out in the blawgosphere?  Plenty of people want to tell me what an idiot I am for having them, so I might as well feel strongly about them before bothering to offer my butt to be kicked.

For better or worse, I have thoughts.  I don’t proclaim myself the expert, as though my opinions are, by definition, the only correct ones, and I may well be wrong about things (though I don’t think so, most of the time).  But at least they are thoughts.  Those who publish wishy-washy, pointless, wiggly commentary either lack the conviction of their beliefs, or don’t actually have any beliefs and just post stuff to keep their blawg alive until they learn that they aren’t going to get rich and famous as a blawger.

The blogolaters won’t tell you this stuff.  They will tell you to post regularly and be interesting and you too can establish a viable presence in the blawgosphere.  But if you don’t really want to be here, then why bother?  As Hermann and I have said before, you aren’t going to hit the bigtime because you have a blawg.  If you aren’t writing because there’s some bone in your head that makes you want to write, then you’re wasting your time.  If you expect something in return, then you’re going to be deeply disappointed.

But as long as you give it a try, you will keep the blogolaters happy.  And they will keep telling you that you too can be a blawgospheric hero.  Maybe a few of their progeny will prove to really have something interesting to say and worthy of your precious time to read.  And that’s all one can ask of the blawgosphere.