Via Radley Balko, the good people of Boulder, Colorado, can sleep well on Halloween, secure in the knowledge that human genitalia will not be flailing about, demeaning the sensibilities of those without any.
For nearly a decade, naked pumpkin runners did their thing unmolested, stampeding through the frigid dark past crowds of admirers who hooted, hollered and tossed candy. But last year the run attracted more than 150 participants, and Police Chief Mark Beckner fears things are getting out of hand. “It’s a free-for-all,” he says.Naked Halloween shenanigans is the gateway to heroin, or something like that. No matter, we can’t have it. There can be no more foolishness that distinguishes those inclined toward harmless foolishness from those who sit in front of their televisions and tsk at these miscreants who disrupt their orderly lives.
So he intends to stop it.
He will station more than 40 officers on the traditional four-block route tonight, with two SWAT teams patrolling nearby. All have orders to arrest gourd-topped streakers as sex offenders.
Chances are good that, had I been a resident of Boulder, I would not have elected to put a gourd on my head and run wild in the streets. I’m far too much a fan of warmth, and far too little a fan of what gravity has meant for my physique. Still, there’s a certain appreciation of those who want to break away from the norm, engage in a little harmless tomfoolery and prove that humans are still capable of careless abandon. After all, it gets awfully cold in Boulder this time of year, and shrinkage is always a problem. I have to admire those willing to, and capable of, braving the weather.
Given the consequences, the SWAT teams won.
The costumed crowd on the Pearl Street Mall was large and boisterous Saturday night, but with bars closing and the crowd dispersing at 2 a.m. Sunday, there had been just one arrest and no significant problems.
Forty police officers patrolled the Mall in pairs, and another 60 were spread out around the city.
“I’ve heard people say, ‘It’s just not worth it. Let’s not go down there,'” he said. “Obviously there will always be people who come down to the Mall and that’s fine. And as long as everyone obeys the law, we won’t have any problems.”
Photo by Will Morgan
The heavy police presence appeared to deter full participation in the annual Naked Pumpkin Run, where people streak down the Mall wearing nothing but carved-out pumpkins on their heads.
Little by little, the quirks that make life different, worth living, will be eliminated from our universe to secure the overarching mandate of order. It’s not just the Boulder police chief who has killed the spirit and vibrancy of his city, but officials in every school, every statehouse, even every courthouse, who seek to homogenize every experience to protect us from ourselves.
It’s the quirks, the peculiar, maybe even ridiculous, acts of craziness that allow the human spirit to soar. It’s fun. It’s crazy and wild. No one ever suffered because a bunch of naked runners streaked the mall in Boulder. Oddly, it may not even be illegal. But getting up close and personal with the local SWAT team isn’t worth finding out.
The residents of Boulder can be assured that there will be no Naked Pumpkin runners sullying up their streets. They need have no fear as they sit on their couch and watch reruns of Family Guy, where only cartoon figures engage in shenanigans that humans once enjoyed.
Lest you think that there is no one out there bold enough to fight the forces of safety, order and homogenization, social media guru Adrian Dayton has taken up arms and stood as a bulwark of boldness, letting the wild animal that still exists within mankind shine through. For Halloween, Adrian was a twit.
Welcome to our wild and crazy future. I wonder if the bird on the fedora has eaten recently?
Addendum: In response to various emails, no bird was harmed in the taking of this photo. However, several laws of nature were violated, but no SWAT teams were involved.
Discover more from Simple Justice
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.