Got a problem? Pass a law. As much as people complain that we have too darned many laws, the reality is that they want them, love them, see them as their salvation. Of course, it’s not that they just want laws willy nilly. Oh, no. They want laws to fix the critical problems that touch their lives, and so government, always happy to have something new to do so that they can remind us of how much they’ve done for us in their last term of office, is here for us.

In Florida, Governor Rick Scott feels the pain of those who can’t bear the delay of convicted criminals who should have been executed yesterday, but remain alive on the state’s dime, eating, drinking, watching cable TV and working out with their free gym membership, filing papers right and left to get a court to let them test some DNA to prove their actual innocence.

Innocence, shminocence. In a perfect world, Floridians would have them taken out back of the courthouse and shot within minutes of the verdict. Finality, baby. After all, isn’t this the best legal system ever created (except for that Casey Anthony woman, who should have been taken out and shot by accident. Oops, sorry Jose. My bad.) So Scott signed off on a law to put a smile on every redneck in the panhandle.

Gov. Rick Scott signed a bill into law Friday aimed at accelerating the pace of the death penalty process in Florida that could make the governor the most active executioner in modern state history.

The measure, dubbed “the Timely Justice Act” by its proponents, requires governors to sign death warrants 30 days after the Florida Supreme Court certifies that an inmate has exhausted his legal appeals and his clemency review. Once a death warrant is signed, the new law requires the state to execute the defendant within six months.

In a lengthy letter accompanying his signature, Scott aggressively countered allegations by opponents that the law will “fast track” death penalty cases and emphasized that it “discourages stalling tactics” of defense attorneys and ensures that the convicted “do not languish on death row for decades.”

Why are these guys languishing? Well, they won’t languish anymore, Scott promises.

“If this bill had been law, it would have ended my life — even though I was innocent,” said Sean Penalver of Broward County, who was exonerated after six years on Death Row, as he delivered 6,000 petitions to the governor’s office in May. “But if he signs this bill into law, I fear other innocent people like me will be unjustly executed by the State of Florida.”

Sure, Penalver. It’s all about you and those so-called innocent people wrongfully convicted and sentenced to death. Like that happened more than, oh, a few hundred times. Rule and roll, baby. We’ve got people to execute and there’s no time like the present. And if a few innocents get fried in the process, well, that’s the price of a free society.

Higher up the east coast, the  New York Senate has approved an Animal Rights Registry, because the 1999 Buster’s Law won’t be Republic Senator Greg Ball a thankful doggy lick.

Senator Greg Ball (R,C,I-Patterson) announced that the New York State Senate has passed  S2305A, legislation that will require those that violate Buster’s Law by abusing animals, register his or her name and address with the division of criminal justice services, undergo a psychiatric evaluation and will also ban them from ever owning a pet again.

Plus, anyone on the list, after having served their sentence under Buster’s law but clearly not punished anywhere near enough (and given that New York, unlike Florida, has no death penalty), will now have a new list of people who will be denied jobs, housing, education and futures.  So what if they paid their debt to society?  Do it for the votes doggies!

Unfortunately, animal abuse is a prevalent problem in our society. As there are laws to protect children and the elderly from abuse, it is important to extend this means of protection to animals as well. Much like Megan’s Law was designed to prevent sex offenders from repeating crimes against children, this legislation
will serve to prevent animal abusers from committing repeat offenses.

But wait. There are laws to protect children. There are laws to protect the elderly. There are laws to protect animals.  But there is no Child Abuse Registry. No Elderly Abuse Registry. Heck, we don’t even have a murderer registry, or a jaywalking registry (do you have any idea how prevalent jaywalking is in New York?).  How will we ever be saved?

Yet, there’s a far more serious threat than making sure we have registries so we know who to hate in perpetuity. That’s right. Bullies. Big meanies. When the Big Meany turns out to be little kid, however, they rarely have enough loot in their piggy banks to fund the next police crackdown. But their parents do.

As part of an effort to crack down on “harassment and emotional abuse among young people,” a Wisconsin town will reportedly ticket and fine parents whose children repeatedly bully others.

As The Wisconsin State Journal reports, the “parent-liability” approach is part of an overall ordinance passed last month by the Monona City Council and may break fresh ground in the nationwide effort to reduce schoolyard bullying among children and teens.

After all, bullies come out of the womb that way, so who better to blame when a kid calls another kid a mean name?  Even though the fine is only $144, Monona figures that if they put enough undercover officers on the playground, they can nail every parent, over and over, because they all think the bully is some other parents’ kid and not theirs! Their little darling would never say anything to hurt another child’s feelings. Oh boy, are they in for a shock.

And lest you feel left out, if there is anything or anybody who irks you, there are legislators standing by awaiting your phone calls to sponsor a law criminalizing anything that makes you sad.  All you need is a brief description and the name of a dead child, dead animal or meaningless buzzword that’s been in the news lately. No need to wonder when the hammer will drop on whoever or whatever pisses you off, as the days of languishing are over.

You want the perfect society?  No sweat. Just one more law will fix everything. Happy now?