In a demonstration of bizarrely inexplicable irresponsibility, the New York Times Sunday Magazine includes a “how to” guide to making citizens’ arrests.
“There are very strict rules of engagement,” says Jeromy McHenry, who owns a private security firm in California and has made over 1,000 citizen’s arrests. Statutes governing when and how laypeople can arrest their compatriots vary. Know your state’s laws.
Know your state’s laws? Because people just happen to walk around with a deep, encyclopaedic knowledge of the elements of crimes in their state? And what about important federal law, like John Bad Elk? Are you mad?
If you do get involved, act with authority. “Speak in a stern, matter-of-fact voice,” McHenry says. Announce loudly: “You’re under citizen’s arrest.”
What could possibly go wrong? Like the person kills you? Like they beat the living crap out of you? Like they laugh at you? Like they didn’t commit a crime and you’re just some flaming nutjob who, because you have no clue, believes you’re entitled to command someone else to respect your [lack of] authoritah?
What could have possibly made the Times think this was a good idea? Are people committing the crime of hate speech and the cops are never there when you need them? Or is this, perhaps, compelled by women being raped, as determined a year later after consultation with their gender studies professor? What made you decide to put your readers’ lives at risk, not to mention the lives of anyone who they, mistakenly, decide are heinous criminals in need of immediate arrest?
So I promised a listicle and I keep my promises.
- Don’t
- Do
- It
You’re welcome.
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You’re saying it isn’t as safe and easy as Gomer Pyle made it seem?
Would this fall in line with overzealous department store security guards too? Or do they have some other magic that puts them above the average person?
They have no magic at all.
Some do. I’m pretty sure it’s called the “Bronze Shield of Justice.” Google “Tyrone Carnegay” to see how it works.
Or he could, ya know, just read about it here.
Thought about that. But, rules. Rex non potest peccare.
Or you coulda just said “search SJ” instead of google. Just sayin’. Not that google-love isn’t nice too.
That’s right, the magic is from other factors. Thanks for the reminder
I can’t wait to see the first student club of gender studies students and survivors who band together to fight crime and misogyny on (and off) campus, armed with only the righteousness of their cause and their newfound power to arrest those who stand in the way of social justice. $10 says it starts at Harvard.
I’ll take you on the $10. There are just too many choices.
I will give you the field if I can have Brown.
I forgot about Brown – cash or check?
I would die of shame if I got arrested by a man named “Jeromy.”
You hear, in a stern, matter-of-fact voice, “You’re under citizen’s arrest.” You:
A. Laugh.
B. Shoot him.
C. Ask him if his name Jeromy.
D. Wonder what’s become of Harvard Yard.
I’ve hesitated to post because it might sound like I’m just telling war stories, but close to 100% of my shoplifting clients have been subjected to a citizen’s arrest. The only ones who aren’t are the ones who got away and were identified later.
I assume you are referring to store security, not to random New York Times readers?
Yes. Of course.
And not many people read the NYT around these parts, anyway. It’s a liberal Damn Yankee rag, you know.
I see you anticipated that I would ask what, exactly, your comment about store security catching shoplifters contributed to the discussion of this post, and figured it would be wise to include a joke as well. Smart move.
Who wouldn’t take quasi-legal advice from a man with the Twitter handle “@dabeast47?”
He looks like a guy who has made 1,000 citizen arrests … and eaten 1,000 pies.
That’s just ad hominem. So what?
Some people notch their belt or gun. Some people eat a pie.
My (admittedly mundane) understanding of Citizen’s Arrest law is that it varies by state and lacks any kind of qualified immunity. (Basically, unless you caught the guy red handed and 100% obviously guilty you’re going to have a costly court case in the near future.)
In the general scheme of things my take on it is if you have to ask yourself if you should put someone under arrest you shouldn’t. And even if you don’t you probably shouldn’t. Seriously, just don’t do it. It’s what makes the cops shoot at Batman, and you’re probably not as good as Batman.
So, you don’t know nuthin’ ’bout birthin’ no babies, but felt the need to comment anyway because Batman.