Remember those videos, those dead bodies?  Yeah, well, who cares? But the Department of Justice issued a report on Baltimore police and legal journalists and passionate advocates lost their shit.  Yay, they scream. Yay, yay, yay, the government said so too. See? See?

Here’s the report. Read it and weep.

If you want the quick and dirty version, you can read Radley Balko’s recap instead, as he covers the high points.

I’ve read a lot of Justice Department reports on local police agencies.This is one of the worst I’ve ever seen.

And indeed, it’s bad.  But what’s interesting is that it’s nothing new. Not even a little bit. There’s nothing in there that you haven’t read here and elsewhere, or seen on video for that matter. The DoJ gives anecdotal examples of all kinds of horrible things being done in Baltimore, like cops strip-searching people on the side of the road for no reason.

One of the officers pushed the teenager up against a wall and frisked him. This search did not yield contraband. The officer then stripped off the teenager’s jacket and sweatshirt and frisked him again in front of his teenage girlfriend. When this search likewise found no contraband, the officer ordered the teenager to “give your girl your phone, I’m checking you right now.” The officer then pulled down the teenager’s pants and boxer shorts and strip-searched him in full view of the street and his girlfriend. The officers’ report of the incident disputes this account, claiming that they did not conduct a strip search and instead recovered narcotics from the teenager during a consensual pat down. No narcotics were ever produced to the teenager’s public defender, however, and the State’s Attorney’s Office dismissed the drug charges for lack of evidence.

And then there’s the date strip search, an interesting added detail to the Baltimore courting ritual:

[I]n 2015 an African American man filed a complaint stating that he was strip-searched by an officer whom BPD eventually fired in 2016 after numerous allegations of misconduct. The man stated that the officer ordered him out of his vehicle during a traffic stop and searched the vehicle without the man’s consent. When the stop of the vehicle did not uncover contraband, the officer pulled down the man’s pants and underwear, exposing his genitals on the side of a public street, and then stripsearched him. The officer seized marijuana and cash during the strip search and allegedly told the man that the officer would return his money and drugs if the man provided information about more serious crimes. The complaint stated that when the man did not provide this information, the officer arrested him and turned over only part of the confiscated money, keeping more than $500. Despite the serious charges in this complaint and the officer’s lengthy record of alleged misconduct, IA deemed it “administratively closed” without interviewing the complainant.

But this isn’t a new thing. This isn’t a thing that happens in Baltimore. And no, Texas doesn’t own roadside strip searches either. Your cavity is their cavity, and as nasty as the Baltimore cops are, others are worse.

So why is this such a big deal? Because it’s the DoJ. Much as the feds suck when they’re the ones doing the dirty, they’re suddenly our trusted heroes when they turn out a report about someone else. Don’t we always call for the feds to conduct an “investigation” whenever a state fails to achieve the outcome we want?  Somehow, amnesia sets in about all the harm the feds do and we see only our white knights charging to the rescue.

Why?  Why do we suddenly repose miraculous trust in the federal government to perform with a level of integrity and concern for our welfare, our protection, our rights, when it comes to smacking around the abusive and racist local police, while we simultaneously have a laundry list of evils perpetrated by the feds on their own turf?

Which is it?  Are the feds the good guys or the bad guys?  Are they better than local cops, but not otherwise trustworthy, or do they somehow magically shift shape when it comes to handling issues of racism and brutality by someone else, even if they can’t manage to clean up their own mess?

Or is it just according to what day of the week it is, because there doesn’t seem to be any principled basis to conclude that the feds are entirely worthy of our trust one day and are utterly lacking in integrity the next?  And why doesn’t this seem to trouble anyone else?

But that’s just the surface tarnish. This report is about Baltimore police, right? That means all the other cops are doing hunky dory, because they’re not Baltimore cops and all this nasty business couldn’t possibly happen everywhere else as well or the feds would be on it like flies on shit.

Wait, you say. There are stories, caselaw, video, showing that the same things the feds found in Baltimore happen everywhere else as well. Baltimore is no outlier, but just your typical city police department without the veneer of bullshit spread over its wrongdoing by politicians, union officials and a compliant media.  So what makes this different?

Because it’s official. We adore official stuff. After all, who knows if that video we watched showing that unarmed guy murdered by that cop in the street for no reason was really what it appeared to be? But if the feds say it was, then it’s real. Thank god for the feds, for without them, we wouldn’t know whom to believe.  Once we get their official confirmation, we can rest easy at night knowing the feds are on the case.

Now, if only their report actually included some viable ideas to correct the problems. But let’s not get too demanding and just be thankful for what the feds give us. Yay, feds!