Sure, the criminalization of straws has drawn all the attention, because once straws are outlawed, only outlaws will have straws. But like the transgender bathroom bills that weren’t just about bathrooms, the straw ban isn’t just about straws.
San Francisco’s Board of Supervisors has voted unanimously to ban single-use plastic straws, making it the second major American city to do so.
The ordinance outlaws not just plastic straws, but also plastic splash sticks, toothpicks, and cocktail sticks, which would have to include those little swords and umbrellas. Other straw bans typically target food service businesses, but this one will prohibit anyone, including grocery stores and other retailers, from selling plastic straws.
What do they have against those cute little plastic swords to hold your martini olives?
“The negative environmental impacts of single-use plastics are astronomical,” bill sponsor Katy Tang said in a statement. “San Francisco has been a pioneer of environmental change, and it’s time for us to find alternatives to the plastic that is choking our marine ecosystems and littering our streets.”
And like all critical social engineering in the name of environmental protection at the end of a gun, it’s grounded in empiricism.
Like all good straw bans, the text of Tang’s bill mentions the questionable statistic that Americans use 500 million straws a day. This statistic comes from an unconfirmed 2011 phone survey of straw manufacturers conducted by a 9-year-old. Market analysts think the actual number is far lower.
Ridiculous? Outrageous? Do you want to be the person on the Group W bench saying you got busted for criminal possession of a straw, only to have everyone move away from you? Or is this mere misdirection, so while you’re ridiculing the straw ban, you won’t notice their other bit of social engineering, an homage to Heinlein.
New city tech workers dreaming of dining in workplace cafeterias may soon face a harsh reality — going outside.
Two city legislators on Tuesday are expected to announce legislation banning on-site workplace cafeterias in an effort to promote and support local restaurants.
The measure, proposed by Supervisor Ahsha Safai and co-sponsored by Supervisor Aaron Peskin, would adjust zoning laws to ban workplace cafeterias moving forward, but would not be retroactive.
Among the many benefits offered by big tech in Silicon Valley and environs, alongside the orgasmitron, is a free lunch. No, it’s not exactly free, because you have to get a job at Google before you get to enjoy it’s largess, but once you do, there is tofu for the taking.
One might suspect that employee benefits are the sort of things San Francisco supervisors would support, along with union agency fees. But rational consistency is the hobgoblin of the unwoke.
Peskin said the measure, was inspired by tech companies like Twitter and Airbnb, which are widely known to have access to dining in their own buildings, depriving nearby restaurants of the dollars usually spent by nearby workers. The measure has the support of Gwyneth Borden, executive director of the Golden Gate Restaurant Association and other local merchants.
If you’re eating a free lunch, what you’re not doing is paying someone else for lunch. Like a member of the Golden Gate Restaurant Association. And they, too, need some love given that Frisco has micromanaged their business to assure that restaurant employees are paid a good wage without regard to its sustainability. If you’ve ever had the pleasure of eating in a restaurant anywhere near Coit Tower, there are charges on the bill that reflect nothing you ordered. It’s your contribution to your waiter’s iPhone fund.
But, Peskin said, it’s a hope to mitigate the “app culture” of workers who are whisked away in private commuter shuttles to work, who dine in their places of employment, and see all their goods delivered to them by apps — depriving them the pleasure of mingling with the rest of The City.
“People will have to go out and eat lunch with the rest of us,” he said.
It’s not that apps that “deprive them the pleasure of mingling with the rest of The City.” They’re just not that into you. And forcing them to go out and mingle by denying them a benefit of their employment and forcing them to pay for the welfare state of restaurateurs is unlikely to create strong and lasting relationships.
And, if we’re being totally honest, nerds love those little cocktail swords.
Should there be such a thing as a free lunch? Not if you own a restaurant with food to sell. Not if your restaurant is compelled to pay staff a minimum wage only by passing it through to customers, making the cost of eating your fish tacos slightly higher than a New York strip steak. Not if you won’t even give the compelled diner a straw in his coca cola.
But just one more tweak and the Frisco board will achieve Utopia. If only those damn techies stop using their apps. You know, the ones they create so they get paid so they can go out to eat at restaurants and make the extra line for employee’s wages. Maybe the real reason they banned cocktail swords is so they won’t stick them in their eye when they see the check.
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“Do you want to be the person on the Group W bench saying you got busted for criminal possession of a straw….”
And creating a nuisance.
Cause Obie came to the realization that it was a typical case of American Blind justice, and there wasn’t nothing he could do about it.
O. Henry.
“A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.”
Because, of course, those local restaurants are entitled to the business of the Google/Twitter/etc. employees.
If they weren’t, they would fail. If they fail, they can’t pay their employees. If they can’t pay their employees, they will be homeless. If they’re homeless, they will poop on the sidewalk in front of restaurants, compromising their desirability to diners who might otherwise be inclined to stay at work and eat free food. It’s an ecosystem.
And nobody will be making bricks!
Any takers on how long before Utopiaville (honest, that is not dog sh-t in the street) bans brown bag lunches because of the trees,
Then woe be to anyone who has a straw in their bag to drink from their juice box, (another invention of the devil).
Juice boxes are litterly Hitler.
“911, where is your emergency?”
“There is somebody using a plastic straw in the park!!!”
“Okay, we have 5 squad cars and a helicopter in route. Please stay on the phone with me.
…Officials release the 911 transcript of a fatal shooting in the park from next year.
A police spokesman stated, “He aggressively turned the bendy end of the straw toward officers.”
Or furtively; both works.
Such incidents are likely to give rise to an Epic hip-hop piece, entitled, “The Last Straw.”
The silver lining is that local camels will now be much safer.
Dear Papa,
This would seem sillier if there wasn’t a Great Pacific Garbage Patch, a massive soup of plastic floating about in the Pacific. We might want to think about addressing that at some point. If only Comrade Mcleod hadn’t beaten me to the straw-camel reference, I’d have a damn punchline.
On the other hand, the social engineering is too much not to poke fun at. What about all the people we’ll need to employ to clean up the environmental catastrophes we create? Who will think of them? Maybe, just maybe Chairman Musk will save us and start jettisoning our waste into the Sun. That should work until we learn that too will kill us all.
Another word Thermoplastics.
Rinse and repeat.
Well, if people find themselves up the punchline without a straw, they’ll just use plastic sippee cups. Are discarded plastic sippee cups better for the oceans than plastic straws? Granted, it would be a “sea change,” but possibly not a significant one.
They just need to go back to old paper straws and get rid of the plastic
Why do you hate people with disabilities?
Which may cause even more problems for the disabled.
Assuming too much about me? I am an individual who has Tourette Syndrome Plus and have been teaching students of all special needs for over 10 years.
And if this is about the Starbucks straw issue, Starbucks will still have paper straws upon request.
Assuming nothing about you, Tracie, because you are not the center of Frank’s universe.
There seems to be a recurring thing here, where n00bs show up and tell us about how they feel, about them, about whether they agree or disagree, as if anybody gives a fuck about you or how you feel.
We don’t. If you can’t focus on the issue and contribute anything that isn’t utterly moronic, there is a good chance you will not have fun here. How does that make you feel, Tracie?
Tracie isn’t responsible for anyone else. Just herself. Maybe she’ll read other comments and figure things out. Maybe she’ll be like others who never did. She’s new. Give her a chance to realize that this isn’t group therapy.
this isn’t group therapy.
Wait! It ISN’T?!? I WAS LIED TO!!!!11!!!!1
I had a smoked pastrami sandwich for lunch today. It was my therapy session. I feel great!
Turned out ok then? I was kinda worried when we tested it and it was spicier than usual.
Okay? It’s magnificent. I absolutely love it. I never imagined how great smoked pastrami could be.
And that’s why it takes a month to make. Next batch won’t have as much, if any, cayenne pepper. But it will have to be a while, don’t think I can get away with 2 within a year.
I understand. I just want you to know that it was beyond fabulous and hungrily appreciated.
And I am okay with the Bob Dylan song. I am constantly teased for my “Libby hippie tree hugging” stands ??
Whew. I was deeply worried that it wouldn’t be okay with you. You may not matter to Frank, but you matter to me.
I have two crowns on my front teeth…drinking ice cold liquids without a straw is a recipe for a nasty headache, because those nerves aren’t gone, just covered up….and crowns soak up cold really easily.
I wonder, will I be arrested for bringing in my own plastic straws from outside San Francisco?
Maybe I can start a smuggling operation.
Since SHG is a capitalist, maybe he’ll be interested in investing in a store that sells plastic straws to preppers.
Shouldn’t comfort straws, like comfort pets, be exempt under ADA?
Hmmm, single use plastic items. You mean like the thousands of used syringes littering the streets of San Francisco? Hey! Ban the sale and distribution of single use plastic syringes. Hospitals, doctors, and patients who self-inject have the alternative of reusable glass syringes. One of the requirements to be a Supervisor or Mayor in San Francisco must be the total loss of all common sense and reasoning ability.
San Francisco should pick up all the used syringes laying around, break off the needles and pull out the plungers. Give them a quick rinse, and they can be used as straws.
That’s a win-win!