Emails regularly filter in from readers, informing me of things they liked, didn’t, or just wanted to discuss. Usually, the emails are from regular readers, so I have some idea who they are even if I don’t exactly “know” them. Some are heartwarming. Some are dumb.
On occasion, I send an email in response. On very rare occasion, it strikes me as worthy of a post. This is such a time.
From: David Surratt
To: SHG
Re: “Vitamins, A Field Test And Deputy Dolt”
I have no clue who David Suratt is. There are, unsurprisingly, a few around. Was he the lawyer in Dallas? Was he the Associate Dean of Students at Berekely? Was he some other David Surratt? Beats me, although there is something about his email that says “Berkeley” to me. Among other things.
As the subject line showed, he was writing about a recent post wherein a woman, Rebecca Shaw, spent five months in jail for possessing vitamins. This was one of those posts that not only raised issues of concern to criminal law, but would be of interest to the community of outrage-fashionistas. And, indeed, it brought the knowledgeable and moronic to SJ.
Important article, thanks for writing it. However, shortly into your article you wrote ” At this peculiar moment in time, the unduly passionate have taken notice of undocumented immigrants, a group that’s suffered outrageous treatment for decades and was utterly ignored.”
It begins with the very typical pedagogical nonsense that children and the intellectually stunted find valuable, preface what you have to say with praise, a spoonful of sugar to smooth the way for the pain that follows. As for what I wrote, I already knew it. You see, I wrote it.
What in the world prompts you to take a shot at people who feel strongly about an issue that you aren’t even writing about? Maybe you mean something different than what you actually wrote? If not, can you please explain why you think that those of us who feel strongly about the current treatment of undocumented immigrants are “unduly” passionate?
He’s got a point, as my digression into the hypocritical idiocy of people who have no clue what they’re talking about, no clue what the problems were and are, how we got there, how we fix it, how it had been happening for decades while they discovered how to count to 21 with their diapers off, and now how they miraculously discovered it when it suited their need to “feel strongly” about whatever self-righteous lies they were told by their tribe, was gratuitous.
I took the opportunity to make the point I wished to make, that these trend-followers are worthless scum whose real purpose is emoting for the benefit of acceptance by their friends. When hems go higher, they will follow. Lower, then too. Whatever is virtuous is what they’ll signal.
But am I being too harsh, as they have stepped forward for a good cause, even if they can’t be bothered to learn what they pretend to talk about, and compensate for the weakness of their knowledge with the strength of their passion. Shouldn’t they be welcomed to the cause?
Some believe they should. So what if they’re ignorant and insincere. For the moment, they’re useful idiots, and contribute voices for a beneficial outcome even if they have no real clue why. I do not. Their “answers” are childish, like Abolish ICE. They don’t know the issues, the problems or the solutions. Passion is good enough for platitudes. And they will be gone with the next breeze, when the latest Trump outrage diverts their attention. Did someone shout “squirrel”?
Surratt asks me to “please explain.” But he’s no less a liar here than he is in his self-righteous self-defense. He isn’t really seeking an explanation, as anyone who seeks an explanation does so in advance of deciding their position. After all, if your mind is made up, what difference does an explanation make? And so Surratt concludes:
You need to apologize, in writing, online where your readers will see it. Shame on you!
There are probably a great many things for which I owe my readers an apology. My strained prose. My typos. My occasional errors and misreadings. But does some random white knight get to demand I apologize for hurting the feelings of the unduly passionate idiots? Are you, my readers, the blithering idiots who comprise the sad group for whom this scold believes himself entitled to speak? And not merely apologize, but
- In writing.
- Online
- Where my readers will see it
Is he your spokesmodel, dear readers? I suspect not. He obviously believes that he is entitled to channel Miss Grundy, scolding me for violating his sad self-esteem and ordering me, upon pain of “shame on you!,” to do as demands.
Since David Surratt felt himself entitled to email me to chastise me for my failure to appreciate the passion, the wokeness, the feelings of his ilk that are so overwhelmingly important that it compelled him to make such a demand, I would be remiss in not replying: Bite me, asshole. Grow the fuck up.
And should he be the Surratt from Berekely, as seems most likely, I reiterate the warning, volenti non fit injuria.
Thats the way….
This one is apropos for Surratt and his ilk:
(Let’s see how my embed-fu works…)
His use of “undocumented immigrants” triggers me.
I’d like him to apologize for using such a ridiculous euphemism. Online, where I can see it. “In writing” seems unnecessary to add, unless he would like to send in a video.
For shame.
Sorry, but before we can start a gofundme campaign to address the violent harm his traumatizing euphemism has done to you, you will need to submit documentary proof that your membership in the ACLU has been fully paid for the rest of your natural life plus three affidavits, in crayon, from survivors with a minimum of 12 intersectional victim points conclusively demonstrating that you were a good ally by “liking” their twits of anguish or supplying Play-Doh and comfort puppies.
“Bite me, asshole. Grow the fuck up.”
Not as memorable as “snort my taint”, but it doesn’t seem to lack for clarity.
Stop diminishing my lived experience, you shitlord.
I see someone found Scott’s button, and pushed it hard.
I want an apology for all the indignities that life has visited on me as well, and a million dollars (10 would be better) and a puppy. Is this the correct line for that?
Your math questions are to hard for this early in the morning, I had to refresh it twice to get one that wouldn’t make me break out the calculator.
If he had found my button, I suspect he wouldn’t have written that email. Maybe I need a virtual puppy room?
Or “go shit in a hat” in Latin…
I never really liked that one as much as some others did.
I thought “go shit in a hat” in Latin sparkled just right.
Pride of authorship. It was okay, just not my choice.
Demotivation poster.
“I don’t suffer fools gladly, but I’ll gladly make fools suffer.”
I can see it, with a kitteh hanging on a limb.
Dear Mr. Surratt:
Thank you for your thought-provoking email to SHG. It’s about time someone took him to task for his flippant remarks about very serious issues. It’s welcome by many of us trapped in this here Hotel. You see, he has us captive and barely feeds us crumbs. But he withholds the crumbs if we take issue with his rantings. Some of us are very thankful you stepped up so we can keep getting crumbs. Otherwise, we’d starve.
Just one thing about your email: you wrote, “Maybe you mean something different than what you actually wrote?” I’m guessing you didn’t have English classes with Sister Mary Catherine in the second grade. Maybe a better guess would be that she was dead by the time you got to second grade. Whichever, if you did, then you’d know that isn’t a question. Try it this way: Did you mean something different than what you actually wrote? See how that works?
I don’t do this to belittle you. I know you just haven’t been exposed to stuff, so you’re a little behind when it comes to expressing your core values. But you want to be careful with SHG and this stuff. It really flips his switch, like to the point where he doesn’t even try to unravel some drivel because the grammar is bad. You really don’t want to get him started on punctuation, especially final punctuation and quotation marks. The person that messed that up disappeared. There’s a rumor among the inmates here that the crumbs are actually parts of her. That’s gross, but we’re hungry.
Pedantry is so ugly.
There’s been soup? You need to apologize for that.
Really good soup, too.
So, I’m sensing there isn’t going to be an apology.
What makes you say that?
My mad nuance-reading skills, perfected over the years at another website.
Even though you didn’t actually write, “Respectfully, I decline to apologize,” the nuances are there (except for the “respectfully” part).
“Some believe they should. So what if they’re ignorant and insincere. For the moment, they’re useful idiots, and contribute voices for a beneficial outcome even if they have no real clue why. ”
Do they vote?
Do they? That must explain how Trump got elected.
Suggested email:
To: David Surratt
From: SHG
Re: “Vitamins, A Field Test And Deputy Dolt”
Hi David,
Attached is an email I received on August 1, 2018 at 7:11 am
I feel that you should know that asshole has hacked into your email account and is sending out STUPID emails.
With apologies to James N. Bailey.
Oddly enough, I told a football fan about that letter just today. It is still teh awesome.
In other news, last year an SJW told me that she “…still [believed] in punching a Nazi”. I smiled and replied “Knock yourself out”.
I can’t believe you wrote this without first inquiring as to his preferred pronouns. You’re a monster.
I am now paralyzed with regret for this failure on my part. But I’ll get over it.
Did it take you more than one nanosecond to get over it?
” . . . count to 21 with his diapers off . . . ”
Comedic gold; I’m stealing that one
I’m blushing.
“Is he your spokesmodel, dear readers?”
Not mine. I am perfectly capable of making an ass of myself without his help.
Just what we need, more amateurs.
SHG, I feel you have great need of the word “roaster” in the Glaswegian sense.
I have no clue.
From the urban dictionary:
roaster
Scottish slang. Can be used to describe someone who is making a complete cunt of themselves. Once hearing being called this they should shut their trap (mouth)
Now I wish I hadn’t asked.