Norms are what society organically says they are. Or at least, that’s what they were. If most men in society removed their hats indoors, then removing hats indoor was the norm. It’s never been clear to me why men remove their hats indoors, or why women don’t, but that’s the norm. One can challenge norms they find unacceptable, but that doesn’t make the challenger’s choice the new norm. It’s the opposite, even if the norm is silly, outdated or contrary to the challengers beliefs. It’s not that norms are set to offend those who don’t like them. Norms are nothing more than what most people do, whether for good reasons or not. It’s how we get along with each other.

At the University of Colorado, a different conception of behavior is being established. Instead of the norms being organically created by the majority in society, it’s insisting that students’ norms be geared toward the smallest minority, transgenders.

Colorado’s top public university says that people should address new acquaintances as transgender until otherwise instructed and that ignoring someone’s pronouns is “an act of violence.”

“Sometimes people just don’t want to share their pronouns and that’s fine,” says the University of Colorado Boulder’s “pronouns” guide. “Usually it’s safe to use they/them/theirs unless that person tells you otherwise.”

“It is never safe to assume someone’s gender and living a life where people will naturally assume the correct pronouns for you is a privilege that not everyone experiences,” the guide says.

The baseline assumption, that when in doubt, use “they/them/theirs” for anyone whose pronouns you don’t know, stands in conflict with the use of pronouns their appearance suggests. It’s not a matter of “don’t assume,” which is problematic in itself since the functioning of ordinary society does not require that we inquire of every person we come across their idiosyncratic demands of other people’s behavior or speech. It’s a matter of assuming that everyone is part of the 1.6%,* the minuscule portion of society that’s transgender.

There are two separate issues at stake here. The first is the accommodation of the fashion trend of using, and demanding others use, odd or made up pronouns when discussing them with other people, usually outside their presence. As the UC instructions explain, such inventions as “ze/zir/zirs” are to be used if someone says so. That people are entitled to dictate how others speak about them is thus to be respected, since the alternative is “incredibly offensive” to the people who hear you use the wrong pronouns about another person even if the other person isn’t present.

The second issue is that rather than make assumptions based on existing norms, students must make assumptions based on the smallest minority and subject the majority to their whim. It would be one thing to argue that once a person informed you of their pronouns, they should be respected no matter how silly or childish the concept itself might be. In other words, if a person wants to put himself outside the norm, the burden is on the person to take the initiative.

Perhaps the strongest argument in favor of acquiescing to the demand of other people to use their pronouns, whether in contrast to their appearance, unnecessarily confusing (such as plural pronouns for a singular person) or the latest made up words, is as a matter of simple courtesy. If someone wants to use Xe/Xir pronouns, for whatever reason, then why not do so for no other reason than to be courteous? The argument is to do otherwise is to intentionally offend, and why would one intentionally offend for no good reason?

Then again, courtesy is a two-way street, and does a courteous person dictate to others, whether close friends or complete strangers, the language they are required to utter?

By using the quirks of outliers as the presumed norms, and characterizing anyone who fails to do so as offensive to everyone who is an “ally” to transgender students, the effort is directed toward “normalizing” the use of outlier pronouns. In other words, change the norm from that which organically arises from the majority to that which is dictated by the minority.

When someone refers to another person using the wrong pronouns, especially on purpose, that can lead to that person feeling disrespected and can lead to dysphoria, exclusion and alienation.

There is nothing wrong with being anywhere along the spectrum of LGBTQ+, whether for real or for the sake of fashion,** but do they not realize they are not the majority and the failure of the majority to reinvent norms based on them, rather than what is actually normal, has nothing to do with them? It might well be hoped, and expected, that this silly affectation will follow the path of bell bottoms and be replaced in due time with the next fashion trend. The University of Colorado, however, is doing what it can to turn this into the new, if compelled, “norm,” that an inoffensive ally to transgender people will assume everyone is transgender until informed otherwise.

*According to a Pew Survey, 5.1% of people under 30 identify themselves as transgender or nonbinary.

**Novel labels, such as “queer” or “nonbinary,” are sufficietly devoid of meaning as to allow young people to claim status without requiring them to do anything more. They need not dress differently, engage in sex with someone of their own sex or otherwise manifest any distinguishing feature. They can just say so and that’s good enough to check the box on the application.