Juneau is the capital of Alaska. It’s pretty big as far as land mass is concerned, but doesn’t even come close to matching the population of several large cities. That’s because to live in Juneau, you either need to be harder than a tenpenny nail, slightly insane, or a combination of both.

Costs are about 30% higher in Juneau compared to everywhere else because there’s no land route to Juneau. Everything either comes in via boat or plane. Amazon deliveries take three days instead of two because Jeff Bezos can’t dominate everything.

The first view I got of Juneau was two seaplanes—one flying into the harbor, one flying out. I’d never seen anything like it before and I doubt I’ll ever see it again but it was one of the cooler sights of the trip. Yes, I amuse easily.

My family made their way off the boat and to a bus we took to an “airport”—a helipad with several choppers ready to take all 15 of us to a nearby glacier where we’d go dog-sledding. Everyone got a safety lecture, wading boots for the glacier and a spare life preserver in case we needed one. You don’t want to be thinking about life preservers when you’re possibly falling to your death in a whirlybird but what can I say? They think of everything on these excursions.

Except mother nature, which is a raging bitch in Alaska if I didn’t spell this out yet.

As we enjoyed impeccable aerial views of Juneau our helicopter pilots informed the family cloud cover was going to make it next to impossible to get off the glacier if we were put on it, so they were returning to the helipad. The good news? We got a free helicopter tour of Juneau.

Dear readers, the helicopter trip was the highlight of the entire cruise for my daughter. As we soared through the air she exclaimed in pure joy “I’M FLYING!” through the helicopter’s headsets. She was so overcome with joy when we got out of the chopper that she jumped up and down before giving me the biggest and best hug I’ve ever received.

And that hug made every bit of stress I encountered on this trip worth it.

Since we weren’t dog-sledding, we decided to knock around Juneau’s downtown area. Our first stop was the Red Dog Saloon, a drinking establishment that’s been open since the gold rush days. With sawdust on the floors and memorabilia on the walls celebrating the old west, the Red Dog has a certain vibe one has to experience to believe. If you have a stocked liquor cabinet and want to try the signature shot served at the Red Dog, pour a shot glass with 1/3 Kaluha, 1/3 Bailey’s and 1/3 Crown Royal. Then as the locals say. “Quack quack! Knock that shit back!” Congratulations, you’ve just sampled a “duck fart.”

The Red Dog has house musicians who play there. I was privy to a performance of the hardest man in country music. A cross between Hank Williams Junior and Jack Palance’s character “Curly” from the movie “City Slickers,” this guy growled out several ribald tunes that got everyone hooting and hollering with appreciation.

I caught the guy coming out of the bathroom and complimented his music.

“You could clean up in Nashville,” I told him.

“Nashville’s for commies and faggots, son. Do I look like either to you?”

“No sir.”

“Then Nashville doesn’t want me. I’ll stay in Juneau.”

I would’ve handed over my wallet to get a signed CD from this guy.

The last place we visited was the haunted Juneau drug store. According to a tour guide we met, there was a bad shipwreck in Juneau that killed everyone on board. Since there was no grave space for these poor souls, they were buried in the basement of the Juneau drug store. The place has been haunted ever since. We didn’t see any evidence of the supernatural while there but I wouldn’t put it past my poor attention to miss such things.

I can’t speak to the food in Juneau other than the pretzels at the Red Dog Saloon, but I will warn anyone with seafood allergies to ask what type of seafood is in the stocks and broths in which your food is served. If you do not you’ll be sorry for it so just ask.

My sister-in-law didn’t and looked like death warmed over for a day as a result.

That’s all for this week. Next week we’ll talk about my favorite place in Alaska: Skagway.

See you next week everyone!