Happy Friday everyone! It’s time for the annual Friday Funny Christmas Letter, my musical holiday interlude for you all. Per usual, I’m accompanied by the incomparable Tom Lehrer. Could you please get us started, Tom?

Christmas time is here by golly, disapproval would be folly,
Deck the halls with hunks of holly, fill the cup and don’t say when!

I like celebrating holidays at their own times during the year and their own pace. In my house Christmas officially begins when Santa makes his Macy’s Parade appearance. After that we get to put up decorations and so on.

There’s no point in jumping straight to Christmas after Halloween, or worse putting up Christmas stuff in October. As one gets older, one realizes every waking moment is to be celebrated. Except maybe pooping.

Anyway, savor life people!

Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens, mix the punch, drag out the Dickens,
Even though the prospect sickens, brother here we go again!

Christmas traditions should be flexible enough to change with the seasons. As an example, my wife used to love watching “White Christmas” this time of year. This year she’s not as interested; she thinks the movie is too “chintzy” now. So we’re watching “Love Actually” instead.

As I am a male feminist and a supportive husband, I decided to change my holiday tradition as well. No longer shall we watch “The Star Wars Christmas Special.” This year we’re going with something more appropriate for the current aesthetic.

I’m thinking “Gremlins.”

On Christmas Day you can’t get sore, your fellow man you must adore,
There’s time to rob him all the more the other three hundred and sixty four!

Unless you’re an Ohio State fan. Then until December 22, fuck you, fuck your stupid school, fuck your stupid scarlet and your stupid buckeyes, and fuck your stupid horseshoe-shaped stadium we’re renaming “Neyland North” after Saturday. I can’t wait until the Vols embarrass Ohio State and we plant a gigantic orange and white flag in the middle of that stupid O.

We can have peace and harmony on December 22 regardless though. College football fans are civilized, after all.

Relations sparing no expense will send some useless old utensil
Or a matching pen and pencil! “Just the thing I need, how nice.”

Kitchen gadgets are getting weird these days. Here’s two I’ve gifted recently: nonstick grill mats and microwave splatter guards.

Grill mats I kind of get. You lay them across your grill so food cooks in its own lovely juices instead of said juices falling though the grill grates. I like juicy food as much as the next guy, but isn’t this why they make grill pans for stoves? Or ovens? Just saying.

And the microwave splatter guards: yeesh. If ever a product screamed “I’m too lazy or don’t have enough time to cook something right so here’s a product designed for me to protect me from my stupidity,” it’s this one.

Come to think of it, aren’t most modern products designed to protect us from our stupidity?

It doesn’t matter how sincere it is or how heartfelt the spirit,
Sentiment will not endear it! What’s important is the price!

My nine-year-old son wanted a laptop and a cell phone this year for Christmas.

I had to pull myself off the floor I was laughing so hard. Kid, you’re nine and can barely use the school-provided chromebook appropriately. It’s going to be a minute before you get a laptop of your own. And no way in hell is a nine year old getting a cell phone. I have standards.

Hark the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things!

I’ve not seen much holiday themed advertising on television this year. Maybe big retail finally realized the effort wasn’t worth it because we’re going to buy shit anyway this time of year. “Yes. We have their money reliably now. No more need to wrap the holiday up in tinsel and lights. Let the rubes spend their own money doing that.”

God rest ye merry merchants may ye make the Yuletide pay!

I wonder how much money gets made in retail during the last minute shopping days? Like how much money do stores take in between today and December 24? It’d be interesting to find out.

Ah, who the fuck am I kidding? This is a nation where we ship Ozempic to your door instead of insisting you exercise. Of course procrastination pays big bucks!

Angels we have heard on high, tell us to go out and BUY!

I saw the damndest thing today. An old woman working a fast food register stopped taking customer orders to look through a stash of handmade purses another old lady brought. She then selected one, paid with a check and gabbed for ten minutes with her aged purse vendor while I cursed both their existences for making me wait on my Zaxby’s.

Capitalism is a hell of a drug.

So let the raucous sleigh bells jingle, hail our dear old friend Kris Kringle
Riding his reindeer across the sky

I think it was last year when some guy called the NORAD Santa hotline, got the White House instead and told President Biden “Let’s go Brandon” to his excited agreement and Jill’s chagrin. That’s not going to happen to Trump next year. Love or hate the man, he’s got the timing of the best insult comics of old.

Don’t stand underneath when they fly by!

If you made it this far: thank you for putting up with my shit. You folks are the reasons these posts keep coming every Friday.

Merry Christmas from my family in Knoxville to all of you. May this holiday be full of joy, wonder and magic. If you’re traveling, stay safe.

And don’t get arrested. If you do, shut the fuck up and demand a lawyer until you see one.

See you next time for the OTHER Friday Funny holiday tradition:

The SJ Year in Review!