NYPD to Bicycles: We Got You Now

The New York City Council has long struggled with the rampage of bicycles mowing down pedestrians in cold blood.  On the one hand, it involved neither salt, cigarettes nor polyunsaturated fats, evils long suspected to be the root of crack addiction and racial inequality.  On the other, debate has raged as to whether it’s bicycles who run down people, or riders.  A decision was needed. A decision was made.

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Courtesy Anthony Rebholz/thisisfyf

It’s the bikes.

In related news, the NYPD determined that the possibility that a pipe bomb could be placed in a bicycle gave rise to the theft of hundreds along Houston Street in Manhattan, in anticipation of President Obama’s trip to Cooper Union last week in honor of Earth Day.  From This is FYF ,

Citing security concerns that bikes might be secret pipe bombs, NYPD officers clipped the locks of hundreds of bikes along Houston Street this morning in preparation for President Obama’s speech at Cooper Union.  The bikes  were unceremoniously put in the back of the truck.  There was no prior notification of the bikes needing to be cleared along the route by NYPD and onlookers were not given information as to what would become of the bikes.  Happy Earth Day!

The theft and trashing of hundreds of bicycles might, under other circumstances, be considered scandalous, if not mind-bogglingly stupid, but an NYPD spokesman stated that many of the seized culprits have a prior criminal history of attacking innocent pedestrians, leaving babies fatherless.  In addition, some were believed to be congregating on the sidewalk and observed smoking marijuana.  When ordered to leave by a police officer, they just stood there, defiant, until one bicycle made a furtive gesture, forcing the officer to taser the bike.  Rumors that the bikes were part of the Gambino crime family were dismissed after thorough investigation.

The officer was injured in the melee and has retired on full pension.  The PBA will be running a sale on cut bicycle chains this weekend, with all proceeds going to purchase new bullet-proof Sam Browns for the incoming class at the Academy.

New York City is now safe for presidents and pedestrians.

 

6 thoughts on “NYPD to Bicycles: We Got You Now

  1. George Hanko

    I have never thought that anyone can place a secret pipe bomb in a bike. Even if the possibility exists, I didnt like the idea of just confiscating people’s property without notice.

  2. Jeff Gamso

    Glad to see the city cops on the alert.

    A few years ago, in Athens, Ohio (known as the “Athens of Ohio”), an Ohio University graduate student parked his bicycle by a restaurant near the center of the campus. Someone noticed that the bike had on it a sticker from a not-particularly-well-known band called “This Bike Is a Pipe Bomb.”

    Nearby buildings were evacuated. The bomb squad was called, the bike destroyed, and the student charged with the misdemeanor Inducing Panic.

    Charges were eventually dropped and the city ultimately paid to replace the bike. But still, Athens’ finest demonstrated that they know a risk when they don’t see one.

    Ditto for the NYPD.

  3. SHG

    I see your viscious liberalism doesn’t stop you from sacrificing the lives of millions of New Yorkers/Athenians on the alter of bicycle murder, and maybe marijuana smoking. How do you sleep at night?

  4. Jeff Gamso

    Warily.

    Note that even though I don’t ride a bike, I may be the best friend of those who do.

    For instance, I endorse (albeit only to the point where my license to practice law is at stake) the civil disobedience of the half-naked bike activists who replaced the bike lanes in Williamsburg so that the scantily clad could travel with impunity. It’s all a matter of risk management – and who and what I’m unleashing on whom.

  5. John

    They say down through history EVERY democracy is replaced with a dictatorship…I used to laugh at that idea…somehow its not as funny anymore.

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