I can hear what’s running through your head all the way up here in New York.
So you screwed up. You played in a sandbox you thought you understood. You hired some slimebags to create and manage an online presence in order to market your way to prominence, and left them to do their job. They did, and did it in a way that blew up in your face.
You don’t think of yourself as a bad guy. You think you’re pretty good. Maybe even better than pretty good, even if others don’t appreciate you yet. Why would anybody try to beat up on a good guy like you? Why are other people so mean, so angry, that they would go after you as if you told them their baby was ugly or ran over their dog?
It was no big deal. You didn’t care. It was just some fluff that the guys in Bangalore put on your website to fill the empty white space. It wasn’t Moby Dick, for crying out loud. You don’t see why it’s a problem to begin with, and you certainly don’t see why it’s a big enough problem for anybody to make a hullaballoo about. They need to get a life. You have one, in court. That’s where lawyers spend their days. And you’re a lawyer. A L-A-W-Y-E-R, and they must be losers to spend their days worrying about what guys in Bangalore do instead of being more like you.
And it was one of your own! Is he nuts? Doesn’t he realize this is all a game, a con, a way to market so that a kid can create a presence on the internet to get business? So what if it’s all bullshit. That’s what marketing is. It’s supposed to be bullshit, and one of your own is supposed to get it. He may not like it, but we don’t call each other out. We cover each other’s butts. We say nice things about each other, even if we don’t know each other.
What we do not do, what we never do, is let the clients know about the con. Like a magician doesn’t tell how another magician does a trick, a lawyer doesn’t tell how another lawyer did wrong. We don’t do that.
What we do is write praise for each other on the internet. We pay the guys in Bangalore to write something nice for another lawyer, and they have their guys in Bangalore write something nice about us. We all benefit from the game. So what if its all a big lie. This is the internet. This is how we market ourselves. That’s what being a lawyer is all about.
You’re thinking, if you have a problem with me, then you owe it to me to talk to me first. You have no right, none, to screw with my practice, my carefully crafted and expensive internet marketing scheme, without being man enough to come to me. How dare you just call me out? You’re a coward and an asshole. Real men do what I want them to do. No real man would screw with another guy’s marketing scheme without talking to them, man to man, first.
And if you’re going to be a coward and an asshole, then don’t be surprised that I’m going to be one right back at you, and let you know how I’m going to kick your ass. So what if it’s a bit over the top with first aid kits, you get the point. Don’t pretend you don’t. You screw with my honor and I’m going to prove to you and the world that I’m a man. A Texan. And men in Texas don’t take scrap from you Yankees without a fight. You want a fight? You got one.
I heard from Bennett, telling me that I’m wrong and I should apologize to you. Does he think I’m stupid? Do you think I’m stupid? I know how the internet works better than you ever will. The guys in Bangalore explained it all to me, and they’re working right now to destroy you. They know a million times more than losers like you will ever know. They know how to make me the king of the internet, and I will look down on you and laugh.
So you think a few DR violations worry me? That’s what marketing is, you moron. The Texas bar couldn’t care less. They get it. They know the con, even if you’re too stupid to realize it. In Texas, we know that you’ve got to break a few rules to get the loot, and nobody at the Texas bar is going to worry about a little puffery if it brings in the business.
And my video is racist? Are you kidding? I couldn’t care less about black or white. That’s the sort of thing you northern Yankee bleeding-heart, hand-wringing liberals worry about. I only care about green, and I go where the green is. That’s why I’m a success and you’re a loser.
So in conclusion, you can kiss my ass because I will win. I will win the internet. I will eat you up and spit you out. I will win!!!
It reaches a point where the hole is so deep that I begin to feel badly about it. As criminal defense lawyers, we are all about redemption, learning a lesson and walking away from the hole. Sure, what’s happened has happened, and in your case, reflects an ignorance so palpable as to be deeply disturbing, but that doesn’t mean you can’t wake up this morning, recognize that you’ve made a terrible mistake and try your best to fix it.
That’s what real men do, Carl.
This is about you, but it’s about much more than you. You have made yourself a prime example for the many lawyers who don’t realize that the practice of law isn’t a con, that the internet isn’t an ethics-free zone. From your mistakes, others will learn. Maybe your conduct will save other lawyers. Hopefully, it will save clients who might otherwise fall for the con.
Whether you can be saved, Carl, is entirely up to you. It always has been. Nobody woke up this morning thinking of ways to hurt Carl David Ceder. And nobody has hurt Carl David Ceder more than you. You can stop it at any time. It begins with the word “sorry.”