It’s not that I’m a big fan of Gilbert Gottfried, but the guy is an apology savant.

Let me begin by saying I’m sorry. I’m truly, deeply, unequivocally sorry. I apologize to the people I offend with this essay, and I apologize to the people who aren’t sure why they’re offended but are pretty sure they should be. I don’t know how I live with myself, and I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me.

You see what I did there? It’s called a preemptive apology. I apologized in advance, before any of you had a chance to demand one.

When you say something publicly, beyond “hugs” and “you’re the ginchiest,” you’re going to piss someone off. Someone will disagree. Sometimes they will “respectfully disagree,” but more often they will be deeply upset at the lack of respect you’ve shown for their feelings.

If you want to survive as a public figure in 2014, you have to treat the entire world as if it’s your wife or girlfriend. Everything you do is probably wrong.

Now, when I say “the entire world,” I mean of course the internet. That’s where all the outrage is happening these days. You could slap somebody hard in the face and they’d say, “Well, that was weird. Can we discuss this further?” But tell a joke on Twitter that somebody doesn’t find funny and they’ll howl for your blood. The internet makes me sentimental for old-time lynch mobs. Back then, if people wanted to punish you, they had to leave the house and get their hands dirty. Now it’s all done on the internet. It’s the modern equivalent of ringing someone’s doorbell and running away. We’re more vindictive than we’ve ever been, but we’re also cowards.

You don’t have to be a public figure. You just have to do something in public, and public means the internet.  The attack will come, will come, will come.

In anticipation of the next person whose feelings I hurt, and the dozen after that, I apologize.

In closing, I’d like to reiterate that I’m sincerely sorry for this entire article, and I hope it hasn’t been too damaging to your psyche. Thank you for reading this far, and again, I apologize for everything you had to endure because of my Neanderthal attempts at humor. And also, no, I’m really not sorry at all. Go fuck yourself.

Yup. A savant.

H/T Rick Horowitz