The ranking member of the Senate Subcommittee on Privacy, Technology and the Law, Al Franken, proving this his comedic chops are neither greater nor lesser than they were when he held down a real job, has sent FBI Director James Comey a letter.

Jim, being a busy guy given the time he’s constrained to spend putting Department of Justice Inspector General Michael Horowitz in his place, not to mention winning the War on Drugs, could probably use some help fielding Franken’s questions. After all, Franken, despite being rank, isn’t a lawyer, which explains why he would have a seat on that subcommittee.  I’m here to help.

Dear Senator Al,

Thanks for your kind words about our nailing that scumbag, Hunter Moore. Since we got him, you probably didn’t need to explain what we did, because, well, we’re the ones who did it.  In case you didn’t hear, another similarly despicable piece of shit named Kevin Bollaert was just sentenced to 18 years in California.  While it wasn’t one of our cases, it was a loud smack to those who engage in the horrific conduct that concerns you.

But you also mention in the same breath other “good developments.”

Technology companies have recently been paying increased attention to this issue, which is a very good development. Popular platforms, including Twitter and Reddit, have recently made clear that nonconsensual disclosure of sexually explicit content is unacceptable on their platforms.

These are private businesses. They get to do whatever they want. We, on the other hand, are the government. We don’t. I know, it sucks for me too, but those are the rules of the game.  Even so, they’ve made some public announcements abut their positions, but we have yet to see whether they actually do much of anything or, if they do, how it pans out. This is tricky stuff, Senator.

The problem isn’t the really bad and harmful revenge porn (I know you never actually mentioned revenge porn, but since we’re on the same team, let’s just cut to the chase, right?) that pretty much everyone agrees is disgusting and horrible.  The problem is how to rid the internet of this garbage without simultaneously sweeping in all manner of free speech, and chilling expression for fear that some crazy prosecutor or overzealous politician (I know, but it could happen) will use it to nail people exercising their constitutional rights.

It is critical that when victims report these images to federal law enforcement they receive expeditious assistance and are treated with sensitivity. Victims’ suffering should not be prolonged as pending investigations result in their images remaining online, with the risk of continued harassment.

The way you phrase this makes me feel a bit a squishy, Senator. You see, people aren’t “victims” just because they say so.  These days, it seems as if everyone is either a victim or a survivor, even though the worst thing they’re forced to endure is the potential of carpel tunnel syndrome from pounding out teary-eyed complaints.  The question for my G-men is how to distinguish between people who might actually suffer some harm from those who have made it their mission in life to find things they desperately believe need fixing.

Are you ready to put mommies in prison for posting pics of their little above average babies on the internet so grandma can show the other altacaccas?  Babies can’t consent, you know. What about books by famous photographers with artistic images of seminude gals, whose consent is a mystery to the casual seller or reader?  Or all those seventh graders passing around some selfie that makes them giggle with childish surprise and delight?  We would need to build prisons for entire middle schools, and you know how much you senators hate spending money on education-related stuff.

Furthermore, I ask that you provide information on any limitations in current law that you have identified that may have prevented the FBI from conducting investigations and making arrests in cases of nonconsensual disclosure of sexually explicit images.

Now we’re talking business, big guy.  That whole Constitution thing is a major hassle. If we could just seize and search at will, we could really make a big dent in this whole sexually explicit images thing, not to mention a few other nasty crimes that we’ve been dealing with lately.  Those rights are a major downer, and make my federal agents very sad.

And before you mention it, no need to worry that we might use our authority to bang down the doors of innocent voters in your state.  We only go after the guilty ones. You can take my word for it.  After all, we’re the good guys and if only the American public realized this, we could fix a lot of the problems that concern you.  In fact, it would be really helpful if you passed a federal law requiring people to like us. Obviously, it should be a felony. lol.

We’re on this, Senator, just like you.  We want to make this problem disappear, even if the dopes keep taking those nude selfies because they’re being told they have a right to be as stupid as they want to be.  I know, but you can’t outlaw stupid.  Well, maybe you could, but I don’t have nearly enough agents to make it fly.

We guys at the Hoover Building take issues of sexual deviancy very seriously.  Some people think we ought to spend our time busting bank robbers and drug kingpins, you know, those violent types. But like you, we would really rather put our guys on checking out the nude pics women take of themselves. Guys too, by the way. We have agents for that as well, who are already doing investigations in their spare time. And just like you, there is nothing more important to us Fibbers than privacy. Sorry, I had to. You can’t pass up that joke.

And one last thing, Senator Al, just between us. How is it that Jeff Sessions and Chuck Schumer seem to be on every committee there is in the Senate? That’s just weird.

Your pal,

Jim (with a little help from SHG)

H/T Dennis Murphy