Mostly peaceful protests had come to Driftwood County. At least that’s what the six o’ clock news called them. Sheriff Roy Templeton, the highest ranking law enforcement officer in the county, wasn’t sure he agreed with that assessment.
It started when Shelly Silverberg got into an argument with Fatima Brooks during a lecture on “Ethnic hairstyles of the Middle East” at the Kendall Jenner School of Cosmetology. The simple spat over whether split ends were “halal” quickly escalated into name calling and reached a crescendo when Fatima started yelling obscenities at Shelly in Farsi.
One word Fatima uttered set the entire campus off in a fit.
That word was “Yahood.”
Next thing everyone knew, the “KJ Beauty School” was occupied by a throng of protesters. Donning headscarves, keffiyehs and facemarks, the protesters carried signs that said things like “Ceasefire now,” “Resist Colonialism,” “End the Zionist Genocide,” and most shockingly for the students and faculty at KJ Beauty, a sign that said “Kendall Jenner Still Hasn’t Tweeted ‘Free Palestine.’”
Sheriff Roy heard a smattering of chants accompanied by the beat of drums as he got closer to the mob of students and townspeople blocking the beauty school’s entrance. Some of them were as follows:
“Hey hey, ho ho, colonizers have got to go.”
“We don’t want no two state! We want ’48!”
“KJ, KJ You can’t hide! We charge you with genocide!”
And, of course, “From the river to the sea, Palestine will be free!” Since that’s what one’s supposed to say at school campuses these days.
Sheriff Roy touched his radio. “Deputy Miranda, please activate contingency plan ‘Barn Door.’”
The radio crackled to life. “You sure that’s a good idea, Sheriff?”
“I’m afraid I’ve got no better options at this point. And send backup. I’m going to try and de-escalate this whole mess.”
Sheriff Roy approached the swarm of protesters.
“Who’s in charge of this mess?”
A thin, bespectacled ginger wearing black scrubs embroidered with “Student” said to the mass of protesters, “Everyone repeat after me! We have an unauthorized law enforcement representative invading our personal space created for healing!”
“We have an unauthorized law enforcement representative invading our personal space for healing” the crowd repeated in unison.
“He is in direct violation of our shared community guidelines!” The crowd repeated the ginger’s statement.
“We are asking the law enforcement officer to cease his aggression and…”
The ginger never finished his part of the call and response. Sheriff Roy slapped him before he could complete his sentence.
“Dipshit. Are you in charge here or is someone else?”
“Bite me, colonizer! I exist to liberate the people of Palestine who currently suffer from the genocidal repatriations of the West!” The ginger then thrust a middle finger into Sheriff Roy’s face as his fellow protesters cheered.
Sheriff Roy responded by driving his right heel into the arch of the ginger’s left foot. Hard.
The ginger howled in pain and doubled over. Sheriff Roy’s right knee met the ginger’s quickly lowering nose. The kid fell to the ground unconscious. Sheriff Roy handcuffed the ginger and then stood back up.
“And kids, this is what happens when you assault a police officer. Now then, what the blue hell is going on here?” Sheriff Roy spied a green flag in the midst of the group. “Is that a Hamas flag? Where the hell did you boneheads get a Hamas flag? I know Amazon’s not selling that.”
The kid brandishing the flag lowered it and her head in shame. “I made it on the school’s screen printers this afternoon.”
“Well that was stupid, wasn’t it? Go home, Jenny. Your parents would be ashamed of you if they saw you in this mess.”
“Jenny” did as she was told.
“And the rest of you. What are you doing shouting for the extermination of Jewish people on the campus of a beauty school in the middle of Alabama?”
“Who said that?? No one’s calling for the extermination of Jewish people!” That came from someone in scrubs embroidered ‘Faculty.’”
“What the hell do you think “From the river to the sea” means?”
“But Representative Rashida Tlaib said on Twitter…”
“Respectfully, that woman’s an idiot with no authority whatsoever in the State of Alabama. And as long as I wear this badge on my chest, she’ll have no authority in Driftwood County. If you do what she says, the blowback’s on you.”
“Chill, fed,” one blonde with a certain stoner affect said. “We’re just showing our support for the oppressed brown people of Gaza suffering from the genocidal manipulations of the…”
“Say what you’re going to say and I’ll sock you in the face, Mariah,” Shelly Silverberg said to her colleague. “My family lost three people in the October 7 attack. Don’t you dare say they deserved it.” Her little brown eyes glittered with a certain ferocity Sheriff Roy admired.
“You can be pro-Jewish and anti-Zionism, Shelly!”
“That is literally the dumbest statement I’ve ever head out of your skank mouth!”
“Shut it, you horrid little..”
Sheriff Roy fired a round into the air. Every head turned. All fell silent, eyes on the lawman.
“Now then,” Sheriff Roy said. “I asked a question. Who’s in charge of this mess?”
“I accept the consequences for the actions of these patriots here, Sheriff” said a young woman. Stepping forward, Fatima Brooks said “These are my comrades in arms who wish to walk into the future with my Palestinian brothers and sisters on the right side of history!”
“By supporting and cheering on a terrorist group, Ms. Brooks?”
“Hamas is the military wing of the…”
“They’re terrorists who committed mass murder on October 7, 2023. They raped and murdered countless young women and children that day. And you know this.”
Fatima was silent for a minute before she raised her voice defiantly. “We will not be cowed by the machinations of…”
“Oh and did you clear this little demonstration with the administration, Ms. Brooks?”
Fatima stopped her tirade. “No, sheriff. We did not clear this uprising with the administration.”
“That’s what they told me, so thank you for making my job easier and admitting to it. Hands behind your back please.” Sheriff Roy then proceeded to cuff Fatima Brooks and place her under arrest.
“You see, Ms. Brooks, I got a call from the Dean of Students and Ms. Jenner’s business manager. They told us you were causing problems, no one cleared it with them and they want you gone. So you’re under arrest.”
A student wearing a green hat that read “Legal Observer” spoke up. “You can’t do that, fascist! You’re not respecting her right to free speech!”
“It’s not my call. The KJ Beauty School is taking the official position they’re a private school, this is private property and they don’t want antisemitic protests on their campus. I heard this could possibly derail a huge deal Ms. Jenner has with an Israeli cosmetics company and you know folks like her don’t like to lose out on money.”
Sheriff Roy turned to address the other protesters. “And as for all of you: you’re now officially trespassing. An officer of the law is legally commanding you to leave the premises immediately. If you do not I will be forced to take serious action.”
“Like what? Dude, there’s one of you and about fifty of us!” one student said.
It was at this moment Deputy Ernesto Miranda backed a police van with the words “Barn Door” spray painted on the back doors towards the crowd.
“Not anymore,” Sheriff Roy smiled. “Throw the switch, Miranda!”
The back doors of the van flew open. Out jumped Junior Deputy Tyrone Wentzel in full body armor and a riot helmet. In one hand he held a cattle prod. The other brandished a chainsaw.
“Am Yisrael Chai, Motherfuckers!” Deputy Tyrone was heard yelling before the screaming began.
Sheriff Roy Templeton would look back on the…unpleasantness…Deputy Tyrone committed that day with a certain level of logical hoop-jumping later.
The faculty and staff were not doing their jobs educating their students, he reasoned, so the students took over.
When the students took over, he was called to end the protests.
And antisemitic protests never happened in Driftwood County again after Deputy Tyrone stood on business that day.
Yes, there were no good options, Sheriff Roy reasoned. But he had a job to do and he did so effectively. And he used the most effective bad option he could to achieve the necessary results.
And so the mostly peaceful protests just gave way to peace in Driftwood County that year.