Make sure you sit in the middle of the roller coaster when possible. This avoids the “oh shit” views from the front of the roller coaster and spares you the “whiplash effect” one notices when sitting in the back of the coaster.

Expect to wait around 30-45 minutes in line for about a 2-2:30 minute experience. It’s a theme park; what did you expect? Yes, you can buy one of those stupid “Time saver” passes if you want to be a complete douchebag about your trip.

Wooden coasters are loud and fast. Metal coasters are quieter but come with the added “benefits” of loops and steeper drops. Assess your tolerance level for such experiences before riding.

Finally, when in doubt, scream your head off during the ride. It really makes the whole experience less frightening.

THE ROLLER COASTERS

BLAZING FURY

This shouldn’t classify as a roller coaster but it does based on three baby-sized drops one will experience late in the ride. It’s basically a big building with a track one glides on until the drops occur. You’re more likely to be creeped out by the old animatronics and extended periods of being in the dark. Great first “roller coaster” for lightweights. 3/5 stars.

FIRE CHASER EXPRESS

Another roller coaster based around fires, this one’s a metal coaster that progresses along a high speed course with a couple of big drops. The thing to watch out for is the trip in reverse at the end of the coaster; if you’ve got back issues it’ll leave you quite sore for a day or two. 3.5/5 stars.

THUNDERHEAD

You know you’re in for an experience when the coaster is so big it extends into three areas of the park. This wooden beast ranks among one of the best coasters in the USA. Expect steep drops and high speeds but nothing really insane. This is a favorite with my kids. 5/5 stars.

LIGHTNING ROD

This was the first coaster I rode this year with my daughter and I really wish I’d started with something more tame. A mix of metal and wood, this is considered a “launched” coaster. That means you’re traveling at ludicrous speeds from the jump.

Make great use of the “oh shit” handles built into your seat restraints. You’ll definitely want them when you get pitched on your side at an angle that makes you feel like you’re falling out of your seat.

This is one that’ll make you say “I’m too old for this shit.” 2/5 stars.

DRAGONFLIER

Now THIS is what we like in a roller coaster! With arguably the most comfortable seats of any coaster in the park, this metal coaster features a unique “hanging” track that makes you feel like you’re not ready to fall out of your seat at any second. You’ll zip along at high speeds without feeling like you’re going to get sick and there’s nothing insane in the way of loops or drops. I could ride this one all day without issue. 6/5 stars.

MYSTERY MINE

Feeling adventurous, are we? You should feel pretty secure in this metal coaster’s restraints as you take on the steep drops and brief twist upside down. The worst part of this isn’t going upside down—it’s the 90 degree ascent followed by the 90 degree drop. 3/5 stars.

TENNESSEE TORNADO

No thank you. I really don’t do loops and you shouldn’t either at your age. It’s a metal coaster but I’m going nowhere near that. NR

WILD EAGLE

OH HELL NO. NO SIR. NOPE.

I am not dangling from a fixed wing with no seat beneath me. I have no desire to fly like an eagle on a metal track. Grown ass men are not meant to fly like an eagle, regardless of what the roller coaster designers want to tell you.

No corkscrews. No Immelmann loops. And I really don’t think that a 135 foot drop at 60+ miles per hour is a good idea for sane, rational people unless you’re a flight instructor used to simulating what happens when the engine dies on your plane.

FUCK NO I’m not doing this. HELL NO/5 stars.

WHISTLE PUNK CHASER

This is Thunderhead’s “baby brother” and is nestled in a corner occupied by one of its big brother’s drops. It’s a great experience for your kids. The jerk you feel as the metal track catches the coaster at the end of the ride might mess with you if you’ve got back problems.

And I shouldn’t have to say this, but it’s a kid’s coaster. If you’re a larger person you will be asked to exit the ride and you’ll feel really stupid. 2.5/5 stars if you’re an adult, 5/5 stars if you’re a kid.

And there you go, a nice honest review of all the roller coasters Dollywood has to offer. Hopefully it gives you an idea of what you’re in for when you come to Pigeon Forge’s biggest attraction. Have a great weekend and maybe I’ll see you at the park!