Jargonism by business makes lawyers look absolutely comprehensible, and that’s not easy to do. So, in the spirit of fun and games, special kudos to anyone who can define the following terms:
Processing, as in “we are processing your order.”
Investigating, as in “we are investigating your problem.”
Escalated, as in “we have escalated the problem to level 17.”
Then there are the phrases crafted to make people feel all warm and fuzzy:
Working on the problem, as in “our development team is working on the problem.”
Awaiting a Response, as in “we have sent this to our tech support and are awaiting a response.”
Doing everything we can, as in “we have taken your money, provided no service, but won’t give you what you paid for.”
What makes me think of this today? About 6 months ago, I made the mistake of going hi-tech with my office telephones. The promise of flexibility using VoiP was too attractive to ignore, plus the cost-savings was quite extraordinary. Unfortunately, my choice of companies was Sunrocket, the only telecom to go out of business overnight, leaving my phone number in techno-limbo.
But a savior appeared by the name of Packet8. They would be the preferred successor to Sunrocket, and the lovely young woman with whom I spoke absolutely, positively guaranteed that they would have my telephone numbers “ported” over to then within 7-10 days (though she told me on the sly that it would likely be less and definitely be done by the seventh day). Well, I felt quite fortunate indeed.
So the 7th day came and went, and then the 10th, but my number wasn’t “ported”. As an aside, I have no idea what is involved in “porting” a number, other than somebody somewhere in the bowels of some business flipping a switch. Nobody I’ve ever spoken with knows exactly what “ported” means or entails, but they do so love to use the word. I’m sure someone out there knows what is involved, and I would very much appreciate this bit of info.
Ultimately, my office number had a recording, “number deactivated.” Exactly what every client, prosecutor and judge wants to hear. Well, perhaps the prosecutors were happy, but the clients most assuredly were not. And so I call, and call, and call, the nice folks who took my money. And I ask them, what happened to their guarantee. That’s when the song and dance happens in earnest, with the apologies for my “inconvenience”.
After speaking with almost every person who ever served ice cream at Dairy Queen and graduated to become a CSR, I was finally escalated to the official corporate glad-hander. He gave me his full name, a real direct telephone number and an assurance that he would do “everything possible” to get my number ported. He was very encouraging, without every saying a single thing of substance. He stroked me. He was calm and authoritative. It was wonderful.
Until the next day, when my number still had the dreaded “number deactivated” message. And so I called the official glad-hander back, and left him a message. After a second, message, he called me back to “update me.” I was told he did everything possible and I’ve been escalated to the highest level. I felt very important.
But, I inquired, my phone number still didn’t work. It was my understanding, I told him, that you had some clout here, the ability to get something done. But nothing’s been done. Suddenly, Mr. Glad-hander’s tone changed. “Well, we’ve done everything we can.” But, but, but, says I, the number still isn’t working. “We are awaiting a response,” he says. “There’s nothing more we can do.”
I could recite the rest of the conversation from heart, as I’ve had it before. But you’ve probably had it too. Here are the hard, cold facts. We pay our money for a service. We don’t receive the service. We get locked in to a product or service that we cannot get out of. We are fed nonsense. We are put on hold, day after day, only to enjoy the wonders of being fed nonsense. We give up in frustration, because there is nothing to do short of suing the bastards.
So why do I bother to blog about this? This happens because we let it happen. We’ve given up. We take it. This has got to stop, or we become the permanent patsies. This has got to stop.
Processing, as in “we are processing your order.”
Investigating, as in “we are investigating your problem.”
Escalated, as in “we have escalated the problem to level 17.”
Then there are the phrases crafted to make people feel all warm and fuzzy:
Working on the problem, as in “our development team is working on the problem.”
Awaiting a Response, as in “we have sent this to our tech support and are awaiting a response.”
Doing everything we can, as in “we have taken your money, provided no service, but won’t give you what you paid for.”
What makes me think of this today? About 6 months ago, I made the mistake of going hi-tech with my office telephones. The promise of flexibility using VoiP was too attractive to ignore, plus the cost-savings was quite extraordinary. Unfortunately, my choice of companies was Sunrocket, the only telecom to go out of business overnight, leaving my phone number in techno-limbo.
But a savior appeared by the name of Packet8. They would be the preferred successor to Sunrocket, and the lovely young woman with whom I spoke absolutely, positively guaranteed that they would have my telephone numbers “ported” over to then within 7-10 days (though she told me on the sly that it would likely be less and definitely be done by the seventh day). Well, I felt quite fortunate indeed.
So the 7th day came and went, and then the 10th, but my number wasn’t “ported”. As an aside, I have no idea what is involved in “porting” a number, other than somebody somewhere in the bowels of some business flipping a switch. Nobody I’ve ever spoken with knows exactly what “ported” means or entails, but they do so love to use the word. I’m sure someone out there knows what is involved, and I would very much appreciate this bit of info.
Ultimately, my office number had a recording, “number deactivated.” Exactly what every client, prosecutor and judge wants to hear. Well, perhaps the prosecutors were happy, but the clients most assuredly were not. And so I call, and call, and call, the nice folks who took my money. And I ask them, what happened to their guarantee. That’s when the song and dance happens in earnest, with the apologies for my “inconvenience”.
After speaking with almost every person who ever served ice cream at Dairy Queen and graduated to become a CSR, I was finally escalated to the official corporate glad-hander. He gave me his full name, a real direct telephone number and an assurance that he would do “everything possible” to get my number ported. He was very encouraging, without every saying a single thing of substance. He stroked me. He was calm and authoritative. It was wonderful.
Until the next day, when my number still had the dreaded “number deactivated” message. And so I called the official glad-hander back, and left him a message. After a second, message, he called me back to “update me.” I was told he did everything possible and I’ve been escalated to the highest level. I felt very important.
But, I inquired, my phone number still didn’t work. It was my understanding, I told him, that you had some clout here, the ability to get something done. But nothing’s been done. Suddenly, Mr. Glad-hander’s tone changed. “Well, we’ve done everything we can.” But, but, but, says I, the number still isn’t working. “We are awaiting a response,” he says. “There’s nothing more we can do.”
I could recite the rest of the conversation from heart, as I’ve had it before. But you’ve probably had it too. Here are the hard, cold facts. We pay our money for a service. We don’t receive the service. We get locked in to a product or service that we cannot get out of. We are fed nonsense. We are put on hold, day after day, only to enjoy the wonders of being fed nonsense. We give up in frustration, because there is nothing to do short of suing the bastards.
So why do I bother to blog about this? This happens because we let it happen. We’ve given up. We take it. This has got to stop, or we become the permanent patsies. This has got to stop.
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And you suggest we do what?
Stop taking it. Let them know that you will not accept being spoken to like an idiot. Let them know that you will not do business with companies that treat you like an idiot. Tell them that you paid their price and demand that service you’ve paid for. Tell them that this is not an inconvenience, this is what you are paying them for and that you will not continue to just take it. And if you’re a lawyer, sue ’em for fun once in a while to hold them to their representations. Somebody has to make the people who take money from the public but don’t deliver accountable for their breach.
SHG