The complaint reflects two separate civility issues. The first is civility in the performance of the practice of law. Shawn posts about a rude young prosecutor, swelling with self-importance, who has forgotten to behave like a human being with criminal defense lawyers.
Shawn’s second post on the subject is about civility in general, although his angst comes from conduct that happened in a courtroom. This is the general please and thank you type of civility, where you don’t jump the line or bump into people without saying excuse me.
Mark Bennett has jumped into the fray to tell Shawn that by letting these people get to him, he is giving away his power to control himself to others, letting their conduct dictate how he feels. Very zen-like.
It’s not my job to teach manners to adults. If you’re over 14 years old and don’t know to say “please,” “thank you,” and “I’m sorry,” I’m not going to civilize you. I’m not even going to try. If you push onto the elevator before I get off, I’m not even going to scowl. If you cut me off in traffic, you won’t be seeing the finger. It’ll just waste my time and annoy you. I’m out of the business of teaching grownups lessons.
From a mental health perspective, I’m sure that Mark’s position is better. But like Shawn, I’d have a hard time shrugging it off. Like Shawn, it would annoy me and I would be inclined to do something about it. Perhaps it will be a waste of time, and annoy the annoyer, but if I don’t do anything, then I’m just a passive enabler. I don’t care to be an enabler, and I don’t like people invading my personal space.
I agree with Mark that we’re unlikely to teach grown-ups manners if they don’t know them already. But I assume that most of them do know them, but have forgotten that they bear some responsibility to use them. It may be that some lawyers are a tad aggressive, and this translates into behaviors that are socially inappropriate. The occasional reminder won’t do them any harm. Annoy them? Probably, but is that really my primary concern?
As for the lack of civility in the practice of law, that’s another issue. The failure of lawyers to show common courtesy impacts on my ability to do my job. Phone calls not returned, cases not called in turn, dismissive attitudes in front of my client, all affect me as lawyer. That is not tolerable. When I address these problems, I don’t do so to teach another lawyer/prosecutor a lesson, but for self-preservation. I couldn’t care less if the get it or not, but I care immensely that my ability to represent my client is not impaired and my time on the clock is not wasted.
So who’s got the right answer? Calm, zen-like Mr. Bennett, or angry young man Shawn (along with angry old man me)? I don’t know, but as the song says, I’ve got to be me.
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I like the enabler bit. I think it’s right. For all I know this guy just needs one person to knock him down a few pegs.
It’s like the time another attorney (same type of guy) came up to me during a docket call in which we represented codefendants. As I was talking to the prosecutor, I could hear him talking to anyone that would listen. Even some that wouldn’t. You could always hear him. After I spoke to the prosecutor, he grabbed me by the arm and told me not to worry, that he had already gotten a deal worked out and that my guy should just go along with it, and that he had already told my guy about it. Since this happened relatively near the bench, I calmly glanced at the judge who was, you could say, eavesdropping. In a nice calm voice, I told this guy that if he ever talked to my client again without my permission, I would have him disbarred. The judge grinned, and I haven’t heard that guy much since.
“Perhaps it will be a waste of time, and annoy the annoyer, but if I don’t do anything, then I’m just a passive enabler…[W]e’re unlikely to teach grown-ups manners if they don’t know them already. But I assume that most of them do know them, but have forgotten that they bear some responsibility to use them…The occasional reminder won’t do them any harm.“
Maybe, but it’s probably pointless. They’re rude to everybody around them, and everybody is rude right back. After living enough of their life like that, they don’t know any other way. If you’re rude to them, they feel justified in being rude to you. If you’re polite, they see an opportunity to walk all over you.
I think Miss Manners would probably say that giving someone a correction for his rudeness is itself rude.
Excepting your children’s, you aren’t responsible for other people’s manners. Truly. So why try to correct them? You’re not “enabling” them by not correcting them.
When you are rude to a rude person, then you’re enabling them — you’re giving them permission and power to affect how you feel and behave.
You’re right — my position is better from a mental health perspective. You’ll live a longer, happier life if you surrender responsibility for the actions of others. Why let someone else force you to do things that are bad for your mental health?
The fear that they will “walk all over you” is fear that you will lose control or dignity. What if you gave up that fear? What if you knew that nobody could take away your control and your dignity without your permission?
We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want.
Lao Tzu
The most important point is to accept yourself and stand on your two feet.
Shunryu Suzuki
Don’t seek reality, just put an end to opinions.
Sheng-ts’an
So there!
Good lord. What have I started?
When the ant climbs to the bud of the lotus flower, there is no reality or illusion.
Shitz-Su
Too little, too late.
My brain is bleeding now.
-Labrador Retriever-