Seth Godin has the ability to express things that the rest of us feel but can’t quite put into words. One example is his recent post, entitled “Eternal September,” where he wrote:
The Internet has been stuck in September ever since. Every day, new people show up at your blog, on Facebook, everywhere. Every day it’s a whole new crop that need to figure out what RSS is and how to subscribe. Every day there are people who spam their address book because it feels like a fine thing to do, then learn their lesson and never do it again. There are new people who need to learn the proper etiquette for interacting on your site. Can you imagine if the real world worked this way? If people walking into your store had never been to a store before? If drivers on the highway had never driven on a highway before?
It’s going to be a long time before the medium stabilizes enough for the newbies to catch up, so the only alternative is to accept that it’s always September.
I tried to make this point, but was so inartful that Bobby Fredericks handed me a good whupping to remind me that my effort stunk. This is why I pay close attention to Godin’s advice, where the philosophical underpinnings of dealing with humans traverses the pragmatic demands of defending them. Much as I may not care for marketing, there is much to learn from those who truly understand people.
When Godin explained why it was important to have the guts to say “no”, it raised a red flag.
If you’ve got talent, people want more of you. They ask you for this or that or the other thing. They ask nicely. They will benefit from the insight you can give them.
The choice: You can dissipate your gift by making the people with the loudest requests temporarily happy, or you can change the world by saying ‘no’ often.
Not that I claim possession of any gift, but people ask a lot of me. Emails, telephone calls, letters, comments on the blawg, people want things. A culture of expectation of free legal advice has grown up around the internet, fostered by things like Avvo Answers, where self-promoting lawyers give inapplicable answers to stupid questions at no charge. People need help, and have come to believe that it’s their right to get it. Now. From me. Or you. But from whoever they ask, they expect an answer. Now.
At first blush, Seth’s point seemed like a variation on the old saw, no one will buy the cow if you give the milk away for free. But his point goes further, in that we have only so much time and energy available to do what we do, and do it well, and if we spend it being “nice guys,” it’s not there for us when we need it. Time and energy are scare resources, not to be squandered.
Being a curmudgeon, I’m not inclined to accede to unsolicited demands. Loud people don’t bother me much, and I have little fear of saying “no”. But this does come at a price. Now it should be pointed out that many of these demands come from people who are well outside my normal area of practice, whether geographically or substantively, such that I couldn’t help them even if I was so inclined. Others are people who just have it in their heads that they deserve a free ride. There are a lot of people who feel so entitled.
The demands often come accompanied by lengthy descriptions of their circumstances, whether in writing or verbally, without the slightest thought to the fact that they are giving a stranger an enormous amount of personal, often damaging, information, and expecting a stranger to spend the time to read and digest the story of their life. Try to interrupt them on the phone and get the first whiff of their vehemence, as they inform you that you aren’t giving them the attention they are due. Just shut up and listen, Mr. Lawyer, and I’ll get to my point when I’m damn good and ready.
It’s not the asking that surprises me in the least, but the reaction to hearing the “no” that I find so disturbing. A fairly typical response to “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you,” is
I believe that most lawyers who practice criminal defense do so out of a desire to help people. We feel empathy. We understand how the system can destroy lives. We appreciate how you feel. But we cannot be the answer for everyone who asks. It’s not just because some of us do this for a living, but there are far too many of you than there are of me. Even if I was inclined to do so, I couldn’t. Saying “no” is a necessity of self-preservation.
So while Seth Godin is absolutely correct in saying that it is imperative that we have the fortitude to say “no”, and appreciate why need to do so, it comes as a price. For most of us, it hurts to have to turn away anyone in need. We realize that there are many out there who truly need our help, who can’t find the help they need, and who do so not out of a misguided sense of entitlement but out of necessity of their own. We want to help people. It’s what we do.
But we can’t help everyone. It would be great if those who called or wrote understood this, but it’s unlikely that many will care much about our feelings or circumstances. They are too busy thinking about them to worry about us, and that’s understandable given the nature of the problems with which we deal. But you’ve still got to do it. And when you are attacked for it, you need to shrug it off and accept it as part of the job.
At first blush, Seth’s point seemed like a variation on the old saw, no one will buy the cow if you give the milk away for free. But his point goes further, in that we have only so much time and energy available to do what we do, and do it well, and if we spend it being “nice guys,” it’s not there for us when we need it. Time and energy are scare resources, not to be squandered.
Being a curmudgeon, I’m not inclined to accede to unsolicited demands. Loud people don’t bother me much, and I have little fear of saying “no”. But this does come at a price. Now it should be pointed out that many of these demands come from people who are well outside my normal area of practice, whether geographically or substantively, such that I couldn’t help them even if I was so inclined. Others are people who just have it in their heads that they deserve a free ride. There are a lot of people who feel so entitled.
The demands often come accompanied by lengthy descriptions of their circumstances, whether in writing or verbally, without the slightest thought to the fact that they are giving a stranger an enormous amount of personal, often damaging, information, and expecting a stranger to spend the time to read and digest the story of their life. Try to interrupt them on the phone and get the first whiff of their vehemence, as they inform you that you aren’t giving them the attention they are due. Just shut up and listen, Mr. Lawyer, and I’ll get to my point when I’m damn good and ready.
It’s not the asking that surprises me in the least, but the reaction to hearing the “no” that I find so disturbing. A fairly typical response to “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you,” is
You lawyers are all greedy scum, I hope you all die.Or some variation of this theme. It’s both curious and upsetting.
I believe that most lawyers who practice criminal defense do so out of a desire to help people. We feel empathy. We understand how the system can destroy lives. We appreciate how you feel. But we cannot be the answer for everyone who asks. It’s not just because some of us do this for a living, but there are far too many of you than there are of me. Even if I was inclined to do so, I couldn’t. Saying “no” is a necessity of self-preservation.
So while Seth Godin is absolutely correct in saying that it is imperative that we have the fortitude to say “no”, and appreciate why need to do so, it comes as a price. For most of us, it hurts to have to turn away anyone in need. We realize that there are many out there who truly need our help, who can’t find the help they need, and who do so not out of a misguided sense of entitlement but out of necessity of their own. We want to help people. It’s what we do.
But we can’t help everyone. It would be great if those who called or wrote understood this, but it’s unlikely that many will care much about our feelings or circumstances. They are too busy thinking about them to worry about us, and that’s understandable given the nature of the problems with which we deal. But you’ve still got to do it. And when you are attacked for it, you need to shrug it off and accept it as part of the job.
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Great post, but I think there is slightly more to Godin’s point. As you say, there are many people out there who truly need your help, people in dire circumstances who would benefit greatly from your talents. Those people are probably not the ones who send you the longest stories and make the loudest demands. It’s kind of like the way the panhandlers who aggressively approach everyone for money outside the bus terminal are probably not the people most in need of charity.
I’m really not sure if that’s true or not. Whether there’s a correlation between those making the loudest demands and those who are in the most dire straits is hard to say, since it’s unclear until you get to know the people and circumstances better. Dire circumstances make people louder than they might otherwise be. Then again, sincere people do tend to be less demanding and more appreciative.
It is funny I was just discussing this with some one yesterday; I can imagine how it must make you feel. Rest assured that even though you can’t help everyone and the fact you are entitled to make a living, you do help many by having this blog. It is very informative and enlightens many on serious issues. Remember your job is like any other and people are people as so said it so well. Keep up the good work, free or not you appear to be some one who does care and that says much.