Matthew Chappell and the Ten Day Apology

Mark Bennett does what one would expect of a mature, knowledgeable, dedicated lawyer. He tries to guide new lawyers down the straight and narrow path. Old lawyers too, but that’s a different matter.  And so he offered some insight to a lawyer who reached out to him, Matthew Chappell.

The problem was that Chappell wanted to sneak into a program at Fidelity Investments by hiding behind a graybeard, because he lacked the requisite experience for participation. He had “family friends” on the inside, but even they couldn’t get Chappell in without a straw-lawyer. So Chappell hit the streets looking for a willing mark. Bennett noted that this was not a savory approach for a lawyer to take, and urged Chappell to reconsider his ill-advised strategy.

While Chappell was a baby lawyer, with less than two years practice under his belt, at 42 years of age, he was no kid.  This is mentioned only for the sake of suggesting that his reaction to Bennett’s thoughtfulness was ungracious.

And now you’ve committed a handful of torts, including libel by taking my words out of context and tortious interference with business.

Enjoy the lawsuit I’m in the process of filing against you, psycho, arrogant, inferiority complex-ridden moron.

Matthew Chappell
Attorney At Law
723 Main Street
Suite 700-07
Houston, Texas 77002
[email protected]

A simple “thank you” would have sufficed.  And because baby lawyers are filled with their newfound magic powers, his alter ego, also named Matthew Chappell, sent off a letter, by certified mail, because that’s what baby lawyers feel inexplicably compelled to do to demonstrate their mad lawyer skillz.

Bennett sent off this peculiar demand letter to Marc Randazza for response.

Protip: If you want to know whether a lawyer is highly-regarded, notwithstanding what anyone else has to say, check who lawyers use when they need a lawyer. I trust Randazza. Bennett trusts Randazza. Connect the dots.

After carefully verifying the source of this letter, Randazza gave the official response.


But being a generally helpful sort of guy, I offered to help out in a smaller, more personal, way.  Within Chappell’s very official lawyer letter is this demand.

Before taking these steps, however, Mr. Chappell has generously decided to give you the opportunity to discontinue your illegal conduct by complying with this demand within ten ( 10) days. Accordingly, please compose a written apology to Mr. Chappell in which you agree to, first, issue a clarification and retraction on your “blogsite”, and second , remove the blog that refers to Mr. Chappell and/or any other media associated with Mr. Chappell ‘s name and/or law practice. AGAIN, YOU HAVE TEN DAYS, SIR.

Before you suffer the obvious reaction, that Matthew Chappell is a flaming asshole followed by hysterical laughter, remember that despite his being of sufficient age to know better, he remains an infant in lawyer years, and hence should be treated with the empathy and kindness any new lawyer deserves.  With this in mind, I offer my assistance in the preparation of an apology on behalf of Mark Bennett, mindful that he has “TEN DAYS, SIR.”

Dear Matthew,

I am sorry. Sorry that my words hurt your feelings and caused you pain in your safe space.  I understand that there is a lot of that going around amongst students and those fresh out of school.  They lose sleep. They can’t eat. Their penis shrivels up into nothingness.  That’s very sad, so it’s no wonder you were so deeply wounded by not receiving the validation young lawyers so desperately desire these days.

I am sorry that you left whatever you were doing before you decided to become a lawyer (you were a teacher, I see, but that only tells a bit of the story), only to find that whatever failure you encountered in your life remained with you as you sought to become more than the sniveling weasel you were before.  It’s hard to go through life as a desperate failure. I feel your pain.

I am sorry you thought you found a way around your miserable existence by soliciting lawyers to facilitate your Fidelity Investments scheme. It probably seemed like such a good idea at first, as people with avarice in their hearts assume everyone else is similarly unethical, happy to enable a hungry lawyer to make a buck any way they can.

But mostly, I am sorry that you wasted that law school tuition, to get an education in a profession in which you don’t belong.

With deepest apologies,

“Uncle” Mark

And if that isn’t sufficient, there’s always this:

Tummy Rub

After all, Matthew Chappell isn’t quite a manly man like Carl David Ceder (“Again, remember to bring a first aid kit.”), so a nice kitten pic will likely go a long way.  And don’t forget, “AGAIN, YOU HAVE TEN DAYS, SIR.

36 thoughts on “Matthew Chappell and the Ten Day Apology

  1. bmaz

    Okay, since you and Randazza are representing Bennett in this pending case of the century, I am offering my services to assist you, who will certainly now be joined by young oldster Chappell.

    1. SHG Post author

      I don’t know that I would call my contribution representation exactly. But who better to give a tummy rub than me?

        1. Nigel Declan

          On the contrary. SHG’s tummy rubs are so rare that their value is astronomical, given how frequently people seek them out from him. Simple supply and demand.

    1. SHG Post author

      You’re assuming he hasn’t maxed out his available pejorative adjectives. It’s hard to come up with something “super insulting,” and it would be very mean if he tried to make Marco cry.

  2. CLS

    Bennett posted Randazza’s response to Chappell last night on Twitter.

    It was classic Randazza–full of actual big boy lawyering.

    It’ll be interesting to see what happens from here.

    1. SHG Post author

      You know why Dairy Queen didn’t have children? She was married to Mr. Softie. Marco’s response to Chappell was very kind. More so than he deserved.

  3. EH

    If you try to rub my cat’s tummy, my cat will flip the fuck out and kick your ass. Cats are vicious killing-machine bundles of teeth and claws wrapped in deceivingly soft fur.

    You have been warned, sir.

  4. Dan

    “Before you suffer the obvious reaction, that Matthew Chappell is a flaming asshole followed by hysterical laughter, ”

    I’m thinking that this may not be exactly what you were intending to say, but I’m entirely too amused by the image of a flaming asshole being followed by hysterical laughter, kind of like his theme music or something.

  5. P Zarrelli

    Matt, if you’re reading this, please stop what you’re doing. Its not going to end well for you.

    Call me yo.



      1. Vin

        My knee jerk response was gonna be…

        “Can I be sued for impersonating an idiot?”

        Then I remembered who I am, and who you are, and thought better of it.

  6. Jim Tyre

    Clearly, Chappell is not a student of the art.

    The 10 day part was fine, you can’t just let these things drag on forever. But then he needed to conclude: GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY. That gets them every time.

  7. dm

    Matthew Chappell’s website (for real): “it is vital to have strong legal counsel – a legal fist, as it were – in your corner. I AM that fist!”
    Insert quip about Chappell getting fisted here.

      1. Patrick Maupin

        Yes, it’s in the water. Houston doesn’t have as many people upstream as New Orleans does, but even so, it’s the last stop before the ocean, so whatever drugs they do in Dallas wind up coming out the tap in Houston.

  8. Joe Dunman

    As a baby lawyer myself (just started my fourth year), I once had thoughts of writing down fraudulent schemes and sending them to random strangers. But the old vets at my firm pulled me aside and gave me the best advice I could ever hope to get. “Joe, my boy,” they said, “we never write down our fraudulent schemes. We hatch them over lunch.”

  9. Pingback: 2015.95: WTAF STCL » Defending People.

  10. Monday

    I don’t think you understand what Bennett is about to face.

    Let me explain. My friend has given him ten (10) days. That means me and nine (9) friends. First up is me. People don’t like me — I get that. But I don’t give two shits about it, just like I don’t care that you wish it was still the weekend. And when I’m done, just when Bennett starts relaxing … WHAM here comes my friend Tuesday. A little harmless on his own, but not so funny when 24 hours later you’re staring down Wednesday. Ever hear of “hump day”? Know how he got that name? Let’s just say he ain’t no camel.

    Then, it’s my ugly cousin Thursday. Named after Thor, the Norse god of “I don’t give a shit what the elements of libel are.” And then Friday, which expects you to act completely differently depending on whether you’re Jewish or Muslim.

    I’m not entirely clear whether my two (2) more popular step-sisters Saturday and Sunday are supposed to count. But do you think they’re good for you just cause their popular? Any days that have been loved that much over the years have some nasty STIs, you can count on it.

    And guess who’s back after that? Hmm…? That’s right, ITS ME, MOTHERFUCKA! Ready to do it all again.

    Don’t mess with ten (10) days. At least not unless you got twelve (12) months ready to back your ass up..,

    Mon Day

  11. Grock

    Bennett was kind, Randazza was kind, I even tried to warn him nicely of what would happen, but hubris being what it is, Matthew Chappell has officially committed “Google-cide”.

    Unfortunately it appears his case of ineradicable sphincteritis flared up again. Could be a while before he’s able to sit down properly.

    1. SHG Post author

      There’s a question about whether kindness works or not. People prefer it because lack of kindness makes them uncomfortable. Not because kindness works.

Comments are closed.