Kopf: Top Ten Things I Am Thankful For On Thanksgiving

In descending order, here are the top ten things I will give thanks for tomorrow.

Ten: I give thanks that if NU fires football coach Mike Riley, it will owe old football coaches only $16.4 million, thus making it possible to hire a new coach at $5 million a year guaranteed for seven years. GBR.

Nine: I give thanks for Stuart Smalley.

Eight: I give thanks that I have life tenure, and you don’t.

Seven: I give thanks for the Sentencing Guidelines that allow me to phone it in.

Six: I give thanks that Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., wrote, “Three generations of imbeciles are enough.”

Five: I give thanks to the Federalist Society for popularizing tin foil hats.

Four: I give thanks to the American Constitution Society for promoting “feelz” as the only acceptable method of constitutional interpretation and statutory construction.

Three: I give thanks that the Dia de los Muertos for turkeys begins the season of sleet, snow, gloom, depression and, most especially, for therapists who are as neurotic as the rest of us.

Two: I give thanks for those who refuse to suck up to judges.[i]

One: Mostly, I give thanks for Simple Justice, the singular antidote to ninnies.

Richard G. Kopf
Senior United States District Judge (Nebraska)

[i] This necessarily excludes the children and their enablers at #AppellateTwitters.

31 comments on “Kopf: Top Ten Things I Am Thankful For On Thanksgiving

    1. Richard Kopf


      So long as there is a rude gesture that accompanies your kind sentiment, of course not. Besides I’m ever so special.

      All the best.


  1. albeed


    I am thankful that I have something better than life tenure. I have a life-time pension which is about equivalent to your salary. I, at least, do not have to go through the motions to pretend that I know what I am talking about. But then, I did discover and produce goods that almost everybody uses daily for the betterment of society (other than the government), and they have nothing to do with computers and the internet.

    Happy Thanksgiving, if you can forget about the NU football program, you at least have their outstanding volleyball team and coach, which is a better sport anyway.

    All the best.


    1. SHG Post author

      I have neither life tenure nor a pension, equivalent to a judge’s salary or a ditch digger’s salary. I have this blog. Yay.

      1. albeed

        What can I say? You should have listened to your parents exhortations and became a doctor, but then. we all would be poorer and only have the C&C blog to read and then kill everybody for being human, or non-politicaly connected.

  2. Ann Walsh

    The most wonderful thing happened this past week. Our judge told the prosecutor to stop sucking up.
    I really doubted my hearing until I confirmed it with someone else present. I am grateful for his no nonsense judging.

  3. James L. Smith

    Thanks, Judge, but won’t aluminum foil do? I knew two imbeciles here in WNC who had three kids, all normal, handsome, intelligent even. The eldest excelled in school and in spelling bees and helped raise the other two kids. Genetics are fascinating, as demo’d by the inbreeding history of European royalty and the Rothschilds.

    Happy Thanksgiving!

    1. Brian Cowles

      Unfortunately, no, aluminum foil won’t do. Quite the contrary, actually. Aside from things like alpha particles (which are stopped almost entirely by a cotton shirt), any sort of emission is stopped faster the more dense the stopping medium is. Thus, since aluminum (2.70 g/cm3) is less dense than tin (7.31 g/cm3), it will stop proportionally less emissions. Of course, tin isn’t particularly good either when compared to lead (11.34 g/cm3). I’m sure the whole lead poisoning thing is just a conspiracy anyway.

      1. Jyjon

        You do realize that in 1996, the NSA ‘pursuaded’ the aluminum foil companies to embed pico chips in between the layers to deal with the problem of not being able to use their multi-million dollar satellites to read the minds of the anarchists, saboteurs, drug runners, and now, men who harass women from lower orbit. It saves the US lots of money, don’t have to replace the satellites. Folks don’t seem to realize that stingrays have nothing to do with cell-phones.

    2. Richard Kopf


      Good example and a nice counterpoint to my snark. But, I keep harkening back to the genetics of my family as proof that Ollie wasn’t completely wrong. All the best.


  4. Richard Kopf


    My wife and I have season tickets to the NU volleyball games. As you may know, the 8,000 plus venue sells out every time. These young women are unbelievable athletes and, almost always, truly stellar students. John Cook, the coach, is a bit zen-like similar to Phil Jackson, the NBA coach. He is one helluva of a coach and person.

    We also have season tickets for football. Can I forget the NU football program? Hell no. We must have the best team that money can buy.

    All the best.


  5. losingtrader

    Seems like with all the negativity, Nebraska +3.5 against Iowa is the bet of the year. But, it’s ideas like that that made me a losing trader.

    I’m also calling for a market crash on Friday while everyone is away.

    1. Richard Kopf


      Joan and I wish you, B and the progeny a happy Thanksgiving. By the way, you are absolutely prohibited from frying puppies as a Turkey substitute–I added this before our mean ass host could.

      All the best.


  6. Terry Roberts

    I am just very thankful that, although you gave up your personal blog, you come here occasionally to enlighten and entertain us. So thanks for that.

    1. Richard Kopf


      I fear that I hear a sucking sound.

      But, in truth, I like it. Thanks, and you are most welcome.

      All the best.


  7. shenebraskan

    #10 says it all. The only game I have seen live in Lincoln got Frank Solich fired. And the “fans” were horrible. Booing and a bunch left at halftime. Met a lot of nice KSU fans after the game. I am thankful for volleyball as well.

Comments are closed.