In descending order, here are the top ten things I will give thanks for tomorrow.
Ten: I give thanks that if NU fires football coach Mike Riley, it will owe old football coaches only $16.4 million, thus making it possible to hire a new coach at $5 million a year guaranteed for seven years. GBR.
Nine: I give thanks for Stuart Smalley.
Eight: I give thanks that I have life tenure, and you don’t.
Seven: I give thanks for the Sentencing Guidelines that allow me to phone it in.
Six: I give thanks that Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., wrote, “Three generations of imbeciles are enough.”
Five: I give thanks to the Federalist Society for popularizing tin foil hats.
Four: I give thanks to the American Constitution Society for promoting “feelz” as the only acceptable method of constitutional interpretation and statutory construction.
Three: I give thanks that the Dia de los Muertos for turkeys begins the season of sleet, snow, gloom, depression and, most especially, for therapists who are as neurotic as the rest of us.
Two: I give thanks for those who refuse to suck up to judges.[i]
Richard G. Kopf
Senior United States District Judge (Nebraska)
[i] This necessarily excludes the children and their enablers at #AppellateTwitters.