Who cooks? Cleans? Does the laundry? Cares for the sick child? Women are pissed that it’s assumed they will do it all. Not those women who are married to shitlords, but women who thought their spouses were allies, the “good” husbands.
The optimistic tale of the modern, involved dad has been greatly exaggerated. The amount of child care men performed rose throughout the 1980s and ’90s, but then began to level off without ever reaching parity. Mothers still shoulder 65 percent of child-care work. In academic journals, family researchers caution that the “culture of fatherhood” has changed more than fathers’ actual behavior.
Fathers still shoulder 95% of the lawn mowing and spider killing, but spiders are yucky.
Sociologists attribute the discrepancy between mothers’ expectations and reality to “a largely successful male resistance.” This resistance is not being led by socially conservative men, whose like-minded wives often explicitly agree to take the lead in the home. It is happening, instead, with relatively progressive couples, and it takes many women — who thought their partners had made a prenatal commitment to equal parenting — by surprise. Why are their partners failing to pitch in more?
Buried in here is a curious word, “explicitly.” Do socially conservative men and their like-minded wives discuss in advance of their union who will do what in the home? It seems unnecessary, given the adjectives. But if so, why then don’t “relatively progressive couples” have that discussion as well?
The shift from women in the home to women in the workforce created a gap. Someone had to cook and clean. Maybe it was a maid, which covered a lot of sins, but if that wasn’t going to happen, then it was left to one of the two participants in the marriage. And in fairness, there is no intrinsic reason why that person should be the woman. It just has to be, well, someone.
For a while, househusbands were going to be a thing, and there certainly are some guys who prefer to stay at home while their wives toil in the mines. If that’s what makes the couple happy, that’s great. But then, there is the problem that women still want husbands who are their financial equals, if not betters, and marriages with husbands who financially fail their wives don’t do particularly well. Maybe women have a finger in this problem as well?
But more to the point is that every home, and even more pointedly, every family, needs agreed-upon rules to function. If nobody is in charge of cooking, then there is no dinner on the table at the end of the day. This isn’t to say that it shouldn’t be the guy who takes the lead, but that somebody has to be in charge.
Why don’t “relatively” progressive couples work this out before they get married and let their resentment fester?
The answer lies, in part, in the different ways that men and women typically experience unfairness. Inequality makes everyone feel bad. Studies have found that people who feel they’re getting away with something experience fear and self-reproach, while people who feel exploited are angry and resentful. And yet men are more comfortable than women with the first scenario and less tolerant than women of finding themselves with the short end of the stick. Parity is hard, and this discrepancy lays the groundwork for male resistance.
Do women prefer to be exploited, to feel “angry and resentful”? That seems awful, not to mention foolish. Who wants to be miserable? But the answer, “in part,” comes after the fact, after a couple decides to make a home together, to have children together, to be a couple. If you don’t want to be exploited, then don’t. All it takes is an agreement about who is responsible for what going in.
And once that’s cleared up, you can’t gripe that the spouse who washes the clothes doesn’t get the whites white enough or makes the colors dingy. The back end of the decision-making process is that you can’t complain when the husband fails to clean to the wife’s standards, or his meals aren’t sufficiently tasty.
There is no reason why housework should be women’s work, or why husbands shouldn’t be responsible for doing their share, whatever that may be. But someone has to be in charge or work doesn’t get done. And whoever isn’t in charge can’t complain about it not being as good as they would do it. Parity is hard. So is marriage. It’s even harder when you make assumptions about how it’s going to work out, but neglect to discuss it before committing under some weasel assumption that it’s going to turn out fine.
Figure it out, then live with the decision, including the part where your husband sacrifices his career to be home with the kids when they’re sick. If you want him to do it, and it’s what was agreed, then don’t hate him for failing to be as manly as you secretly wish he was. And don’t lie to yourself that what you really want is for hubs to be breadwinner as well as chief cook and bottle washer.
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[Ed. Note: Just post the url link, no code needed.]
Oh, okay. The last time I did that it did something strange.
If something goes awry, I’ll fix it. Now, I edit out the code.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CLSsIXPzVO0 I tell people that if I could cook, I’d never have gotten married. My wife of 53 years still lets me get way with saying that.
I’m a terrible cook. It’s served me well.
I had a busy week that included law stuff and lots of non-law stuff. It’s been raining a lot, so I mowed twice. I also cooked dinner three times. I augered our main drain line which was backed up (again!) with shit and toilet paper. I hung six pictures in the baby’s room. Not only are they perfectly level, but they’re separated by precisely 6”. The dishwasher filter had some grease buildup which was causing a disgusting film on our dishes (my wife calls the filter “that gross thing you pull out of there”). And, yeah, I changed some diapers, held the kid to soothe him, and even got him to fart when he was backed up worse than the drain line.
I suspect things will change in many ways when my wife goes back to work. I’ll probably do a better job taking the overnight shift when we both work. My wife and I will figure it out, and maybe the word “fair” will be used in our discussion/negotiation. However, neither of us will resort to writing publicly— whether in the NYT or Facebook— about the perceived inequity. What a fucking thing to do.
Can an infant pick the parent into whose face she’ll projectile vomit based upon gender? No. No she cannot.
One factor that no one seems to mention involves the decision about when the kitchen/bathroom/kitty litter pan/stove/sink is actually so dirty that it needs to be cleaned NOW. Guys seem to have a much higher tolerance level for disorder and diet than women
Guys seem to be able to ignore conditions that drive women crazy, and even if the guys are willing to do the cleaning, women seem to resent the need for them to have to ask guys to do stuff. We seem to be expected to read their minds.
So the problem isn’t that guys won’t do it, but they just don’t do it when you want them to, giving yet a new reason to be resentful? That doesn’t sound like a problem with guys.
Wife: Let’s share the work.
Husband: It would be my pleasure.
Wife: Great. YOU’RE DOING IT ALL WRONG, YOU SUCK AT IT, YOU’RE FORCING ME TO BEAT YOU!!!
Sound at all familiar? Why do women always seem to think it’s completely reasonable when they’re the outraged control freak?
I’ve made this argument several times and have yet to get any acknowledgement or traction. “Honey, when I undertake a house cleaning project, I’m doing it for you. When you undertake a house cleaning project, you are also doing it for you. I didn’t care in the slightest.”
So it’s not just “I want you to do it,” but “I want you to want to do it for you,” and “I want you to want to do it for you, but do it the way I would do it and want to do it my way for you,” or else?
Yeah, you assume the couples don’t discuss it? Of course we discuss it, but resistance can take many forms. Wife: I don’t mind mowing the lawn, but hate cleaning the bathroom. Husband: I don’t mind cleaning the bathroom. I will do that if you do lawn mowing. Then the bathroom gets stinkier and stinkier, and the mildew grows in the shower, because the husband does not see it, and it doesn’t bother him. Wife can say, oh, bathroom needs cleaning. Husband, oh, I will get to that. He cleans toilet, and ignores all else. Wife, uh the bathtub and shower are disgusting. Response: I cleaned the toilet, why are you nagging me?
I could go into what it takes to plan dinners and get groceries, which husband just cannot do, apparently.
In fact, has trouble even seeing what is in the fridge? Sometimes it gets to be too much trouble to continue the attempt at communication past the passive resistance?
And your magical solution please?
Trouble in paradise? Sounds like a communication problem.
Not a communication issue. A control issue. When she does it, she’s the boss. When he does it, she’s the boss. Doesn’t sound very equalish to me.
To be fair, if you were married to someone named Warrior Woman, would you want to disagree with her? Sounds like it could be painful.
Some people like that sort of thing. Not me, but some people.
It doesn’t sound as if you were clear enough to have a meeting of the minds.
In July i celebrate 20 years of marriage (not much i know but its a start), of the last 14 of which i have been a stay-at-home dad. to be blunt, the studies (if not the researchers) are a crock of shit. While there is a kernel of truth in many of the complaints, at the end of the day, its a castle of lies, stacked on the soft foundation of tilted expectations. Relationships are built on expectations and communications. These aren’t one time events, but rather built over the years, and need to be re-evaluated from time to time.
Maybe my experience being a stay-at-home dad is “different” then many others, but i find myself calling my mother several times a year to commiserate about the foolishness of my partner who just doesnt understand running a household. I am sure she complains to someone she knows about some of my foibles. its called life. when its important, we dont wait to build “anger and resentment”, even if its takes a really loud discussion.
but then again, what the hell do i know, i am just a guy
“Studies have found that people who feel they’re getting away with something experience fear and self-reproach, while people who feel exploited are angry and resentful.”
OK, so when spouse A earns more than spouse B, then spouse B is getting away with something and spouse A is exploited.
“And yet men are more comfortable than women with the first scenario and less tolerant than women of finding themselves with the short end of the stick.”
Wait, what? So when men are in the spouse B role they are more comfortable than when they are in the spouse A role?
Funny how the author manages to take some studies and apply the results in the narrow way that supports her thesis, while ignoring the glaring way it doesn’t.
Everybody wants to rule the
worldhouse. As the comments here reflect, women may not be happy either way, which suggests that it’s all rationalization and there’s no reason for guys to bother as they’re never going to satisfy their wives and bring peace in their time.I wonder if they realize the incentive system they’ve created?
You guys are hilarious how you all band together to protect each other and rationalize. It is the woman’s fault if she is not happy. Well, many of us have learned that. No one is surprised. Why don’t you just come clean and admit that if you can manipulate someone else into doing work around the house, you will do your best to avoid doing your share and not feel bad about it at all? I know, your mother did the work, so why should you? Well, I can only hope you raise your children differently. Funny, I did not realize up top that this was about who is the bigger bread winner. I thought it was about sharing work in the home….
I hate to cut into your catharsis, but you brought up your experience. No reason to project it onto others to deflect responsibility from your communication breakdown or control issues.
You’re on to us. It’s a huge and hilarious guy conspiracy to subjugate women by waiting it out until women lose their shit over mildew. And we’ve won again. Bwaahahahahaaaaa!
Shh. What the hell are you thinking, giving away the man-secrets? And I hate mildew. I mean, I really hate mildew.
I’m late to the party, been sick over the weekend, I apologize.
Despite my illness, I still managed to keep up with the usual work involving the cleaning, cooking, dishes and laundry, as well as the house maintenance (the traditional “man work”). It wasn’t always this way, but was a gradual creep. I used to work two jobs while she was in school. When she finally (finally!) finished and started working full time, it meant I could quit the second job and focus on some of the household responsibilities that had been piling up. Now I’m an all star. I work full time and do everything else in the household when I’m not at work.
There are moments of tension, I can’t deny this. It comes up once in a while. But the facts remain; if it needs to be done, someone needs to get up and do it. It’s not women’s work any more than it’s man’s work. It’s just work, and at the end of the day if the dishes aren’t done, nobody is going to be able to have breakfast tomorrow.
Warrior woman can complain about how men are all in cahoots to avoid doing the cleaning, but I didn’t have time to respond. I was too busy with the household upkeep.
On an unrelated note, I liked the math captchas better. Sometimes the “pictures with a storefront” is a subjective determination, whereas (in theory) 17-9 is not.
You can still be part of the man-conspiracy, as soon as you’re done cleaning toilets. And I liked the math captcha better too, but sadly, it failed me and I was left with the nasty pics.