“I’m exhausted,” the email began. I knew his pain. All those keys. All those letters. All those words. Writing his Friday Funny had finally taken its toll on Chris Seaton, who decided on sheer impulse to shave his head, buy a saffron robe at the Dollar Tree and become an acolyte of the Dalai Lama.
I mean, who cares about grown-ass men in tights pretending to be wrestlers? What the fuck does “roll tide” even mean?
Oh crap. This is serious.
Frankly, it wasn’t entirely a shock. Ever since Chris came up with the idea for his Friday Funny, I worried that he would eventually run head first into the wall. After all, was this not the same thing that happened during his days in airports handing out flowers when he shaved his head and became a Hare Krishna back in the summer of ’75? How many times did we argue over whether a sheriff in Mud Lick would mutter “hare Rama” under his breath to Deputy Miranda?
And then there was the time Chris turned vehemently against neutering and spaying strays because “why shouldn’t they get to have some fun, too?” His vegan period only lasted a week, thankfully, as Dr. S made a big plateful of bacon while his neighbor in the trailer park, Rufus, brought him a mason jar of his best ‘shine. That seemed to settle Chris down. At least until he applied to be a contestant on The Bachelor after Jeopardy rejected his application to host.
It’s not that the kid hasn’t been high maintenance at times. You know, divas, right? It’s not easy being funny. Just ask Joe Rogan. But sometimes, a guy has to take a day off and spend it with the mayjag left to him by grandpappy to find his bearings again.
There will be no FF from Chris this week, as he strives to achieve inner peace. So rather than ponder what Sheriff Roy would do under these circumstances, it seems like an opportune time for you to send Chris your best wishes for a speedy recovery.
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Take a break.
Dump the kids at the grandparents and spend time with the wife.
Dump the wife at the mall and spend time with the kids.
Do both at the same time and spend time with yourself.
Or, spend time with all three.
Whatever you chose, relax and know that we miss your scribblings and look forward to your return.
Oh no…the headliner’s having issues…
(…and no, I have NOTHING to say about ‘artists’ or their occasional performance issues. Hang in there, Chris, and remember, even if the light at the end of the tunnel is a train, either way you’ll be out of the tunnel soon.)
Dear Chris,
Take it from me, “Otter Sex”, ( not to be confused with “Muskrat Love”), is not all it’s made out to be.
Get yourself some Horse Liniment, a quart of “Cold Medicine” Shine and relax this week. Lay back on your fainting couch as your kids wave Palm Fronds over your head and your wife feeds you grapes. T’will make you feel like a Roman Emperor.
That was Chris at the airport? I apologize if I was rude.
It’s not that the kid hasn’t been high maintenance at times. You know, divas, right? It’s not easy being funny. Just ask Joe Rogan. But sometimes, a guy has to take a day off and spend it with the mayjag left to him by grandpappy to find his bearings again.
Total amateur. Unless if Chris can do Tammy Wynette in the early years, he aint no diva.
Mr. Seaton,
It must be a wonderful ability to make people laugh as well as think concurrently. You’ve done so for me for years. Please take care of yourself.
On every single blog or article, I steadfastly adhere to the 11th Commandment – “Thou shalt never read the comments.” However, here, the comments are SO worth reading. That fact alone makes this blog exceptional. Sending vibes for renewed energy and a fountain full of ideas.
The only worthwhile fiction explains truth. Thus, it is damnably hard to write worthwhile fiction.
Where I first heard that thought is lost in the mists of time but it still rings true. CLS has a talent for worthwhile fiction. We can wait until his hair grows back , the one dollar robe splits at the seams, and he gives in to the compulsion to write.
Maybe the Vols will pull off the upset tomorrow and give the program one of those “signature wins” people like to talk about. There’s always hope. Feel better, CLS.
Feel better? Who told you about the drippy pee pee thingy?
You did just now, but you did tell us to wish him a speedy recovery. If he’s having pee pee problems, all the more reason to wish him well. Hopefully he doesn’t have to pass a kidney stone because ow. Take care of yourself, CLS. You too, Pop. May we all avoid drippy pee pee things.
Amen.
Ahhh, now the truth comes out. Chris has been self medicating all week in preparation for tomorrow’s festivities. If he’s blurry eyed enough, he might not be able to see the scoreboard from his box seats showing the massacre.
Creative writing is one of those things that looks easy until you try it yourself. We all appreciate the efforts of folks like Chris who do it well and give us a light-hearted moment now and then.
If it’s inspiration that’s needed, Chris might try to find the thread on Twitter today, started by Rex Crawford I believe, in which folks reveal the top speeds from which they’ve been stopped by various sheriffs and other sworn officers. The reactions of the LEOs run the gamut.
This isn’t goodbye Chris. This is see you later!
Go ahead and recharge, Chris. We l̶o̶v̶e̶ h̶a̶t̶e̶ regard you with mild disdain no matter what.