Hi everyone! I hope you’re having a great start to your Friday. This week I learned about something rather interesting concerning a company called CoreCivic. In case you’re not familiar with them, CoreCivic is one of the largest private prison companies in the nation. They run a facility in my home state called the Trousdale Turner Correctional Center.

Trousdale is, to put it nicely, a shithole. It isn’t properly staffed, the inmates have free run of the entire facility, and one ended up dead because the Subway Sandwich Shop trained hacks couldn’t be bothered to actually conduct regular cell or pod inspections.

That inmate’s family is suing CoreCivic, and the family’s attorney is tweeting quite a bit about it. So much so, in fact, that last month CoreCivic moved to stop the family’s attorney from tweeting anything about their case.

CoreCivic’s justification for such a motion is the family’s attorney has 8,000 Twitter followers and any publicity from these tweets would unfairly prejudice their right to a trial by an impartial jury.

I’m not really sure if Daniel Horwitz, the tweeting attorney in question, is in fact barred from tweeting about the case. One thing for sure is that CoreCivic, really, really doesn’t want you to see stuff like what Horwitz tweeted here. No, sir or ma’am, don’t click on that link because despite this being America and folks like you and I enjoying our rights to free speech and all, CoreCivic would get a lot of hurt feelings if you saw how much they sucked at their jobs.

No, while Horwitz might be forced to keep his mouth shut, I consider it my civic duty to open my big mouth and make as much fun of CoreCivic as possible. Fire up the Seaton SmartAss Timer (patent pending) and let’s see what they come up with!

There’s two requirements to work as a CoreCivic hack: a pulse and the IQ of a houseplant. Most of their staff lacks the latter.

If you need a shiv for self-defense at a CoreCivic facility just give the guy behind the Commissary counter two packs of cigarettes. He keeps them all arranged in a nice case like an Amway Salesman.

CoreCivic: Come for the imprisonment, stay for the nightly reenactments of “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome.”

The one substance you probably can’t find in a CoreCivic prison is a COVID vaccine. Not to worry, you can be reliably informed the crack cocaine your cellmate bought from the guard working two pods over is just as effective. That’s why it’s got the Pfizer logo on the baggie, right?

CoreCivic really values their Bibles. They’re great for hiding contraband from the blind as bats screws, their pages make great rolling papers, and with enough heft you can brain someone with a copy in the shower should they refuse to drop the soap.

If your thing is the Torah or the Quran, however, you’re shit out of luck. CoreCivic bans inmates from purchasing or possessing those books. Gotta make sure we keep our almighty private prison dollars in the eyes of Jesus Christ alone, y’know!

Yesterday I watched a guy at a deli counter control a crowd better than CoreCivic screws ever could. Maybe it’s the quality pastrami? Or maybe CoreCivic can’t even be bothered to learn how to get people to take a number and wait in line?

I really think CoreCivic is ripe for a new A&E series. We could call it “Locked Up: No One Knows What They’re Fucking Doing At This Tennessee Prison.” Talk about high comedy!

How many hacks does it take to change a lightbulb in a CoreCivic facility? One, but you have to pull him away from his phone and tempt him with a ham sandwich. Plus the prison actually has to have the lightbulbs in stock. Someone did make the supply order last week, didn’t they?

Here is something you probably will find at a CoreCivic prison: inmates plotting the deaths of others to get transferred to Death Row somewhere else. That’s literally more preferable than being in a CoreCivic prison.

I’m not saying CoreCivic prisons are bad. I’m just saying that when Satan witnessed a day at Trousdale Turner, he pissed himself in fear, wept openly, and declared all hope abandoned.

That’s not a bad idea for a sign above CoreCivic prison gates: “Abandon all hope, dignity, sense of self-worth, integrity, and any chance at sleeping at night with both eyes shut, ye who enter here.”

There’s no such publicity as bad publicity, the old saying goes. Unless you’re CoreCivic and suck at your jobs so badly any publicity reveals you’ve been scamming the public with a miserable facsimile of a prison.

I think that’s a proper smacking for now. Everyone have a great weekend, and remember: no matter how bad your week was, you don’t have a middle-aged crazy person on the internet making fun of you for trying to stop a lawyer from tweeting!

We’ll see you next week, everyone!