Author Archives: Chris Seaton

Seaton: When Elmo Goes Woke

Prefatory note: I was handed the following text from an intern at Children’s Workshop. The bastards finally did it. They got to Sesame Street.

INTRO WITH GRAPHICS
(notify Standards and Practices of lyric change)

La la, la la, la la, la la, Elmo’s world.
La la, la la, la la, la la, Elmo’s world.

Elmo loves his trans friends, and cis friends too,

That’s Elmo’s world! Continue reading

Seaton: Helpful Hints for Happy Halloweens

By the time you read this Halloween will be over and we’ll be headed toward Thanksgiving. It’s a shame, really. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, a night where the ghouls, ghosts, and things that go bump in the night get a chance to party. Fortunately, there’s always next year, and I’m in a giving mood, so today’s Friday Funny are some tips to enhance your Halloween 2020 experience.

  1. First, disregard any “news” article warning parents of adults slipping THC laced candy to kids on Halloween. That stuff is expensive, adults pay good money for it, and odds are if they’ve got it they’re not sharing. Especially not with kids.
  2. Another baseless fear is that of teen vandals out to egg cars or roll houses with toilet paper. American teens would much rather spend their time and energy playing Fortnite on their iToys than committing acts of vandalism. If you’re really scared, don’t call the cops. Defend your castle like a fucking adult. I’ve personally found bear traps, motion activated security systems, and a lifelike replica of Pennywise the Clown works for me. Continue reading

Seaton: I’m Trademarking “Journalist”

A Teen Vogue Op-Ed recently stumbled into my newsfeed. After giving the matter some thought, and consulting with the local Junior Curmudgeon’s Legal Aid Society, I’m announcing today that I’m applying to trademark the word “journalist” to stop Teen Vogue writers from ever using it as a descriptor.

Before you immediately dismiss my application as some sort of conservative/Republican stunt, I can assure you this is no partisan political issue. I also want to profess my respect for actual journalists like Radley Balko, Liliana Segura, and Brad Heath. All three and their colleagues are deserving of the “journalist” title for tirelessly working to expose truth to the public.

No, what’s troubling is hack writers for a site with front page listicles like “22 Gifts For Your Friend Who Would Rather Be Napping” and deep insights like “Miley Cyrus Said She Had To Be Gay in An Instagram Live” calling themselves “journalists.” It’s an embarrassment to the profession* and something needs to be done about it. Continue reading

Seaton: Sheriff Roy Investigates A Baptism

Sheriff Roy, lost in the pages of Joe Hill’s book “NOS4A2,” heard a knock at his office door. A rather plain, unassuming young man stood at the door.

“Yes, son, come in.”

“Sheriff Roy Templeton?” asked the man, barely out of his teens.

“Yes, son. How can I help you?”

The teen pulled a stack of papers from a sheaf and said, “You’ve been served.” Having completed his assignment, the teen took off at a dead run for the Mud Lick Sheriff Department’s exit. Continue reading

Seaton: The Ellen Effect, And The Death Of Honest Conversations

Ellen DeGeneres is a talk show host, dance aficionado, and quite the funny comedienne. She’s been credited for making Middle America comfortable with lesbians by coming out on a network television show, heralded as an ally to the woke, and once courageously claimed Donald Trump would never be invited on her show.

So naturally, all hell broke loose on Twitter when a photo of Ellen surfaced at a Dallas Cowboys game. No, Ellen’s offense wasn’t enjoying a Cowboys game [Ed. Note: דַּיֵּנוּ]. It was sitting next to former President George W. Bush.

“How dare she sit next to a bigot who cost American/Iraqi lives in war!” yelled some. “Oh, that’s rich: a wealthy white lesbian is smiling and enjoying a Cowboys game with the guy who pushed for a constitutional amendment defining marriage as union between a man and a woman.” Continue reading

Seaton: One Saturday Night Down South In Knoxville

Last Saturday, my better half surprised me with a gift bag. It contained two day-glow orange T-shirts, and an envelope with two tix to the University of Tennessee vs. UGA game that evening. I immediately broke into a big smile. It was Game Day in Knoxville, ESPN was in town, and we would be live for the party.

If you’re not from East Tennessee, the importance of UT Football is hard to describe. UT football is football in East Tennessee. Ask someone locally if they’re watching “the game on Sunday” any week during football season and they’ll look at you with confusion. “Bless your heart, you mean Saturday, right?” will probably be the response you’ll get.

UT’s football program is historically badass. By kickoff Neyland Stadium becomes the sixth largest city in the entire state. The stadium the Vols call home is named after Brigadier General Robert Neyland, a man so epically badass he fought in World War I, came home and won a few football championships, fought in World War II, then came back home and said, “fuck it, let’s win a few more titles while I feel like it.” Continue reading

Seaton: Deconstructing “The Purge”

It’s October, which means there’s probably another installment of “The Purge” franchise coming to theaters. If you’ve not seen “The Purge” movies, it’s set in an alternate America run by a political faction called “The New Founding Fathers of America” (NFFA). One night a year, first responders get the night off, and from sundown to sunup, all crime is legal.

“The Purge” makes easy money because it’s a campy slasher series at heart. It’s also incredibly lazy writing. The writers automatically revert to everyone wanting to rape and murder everyone in sight, because if you don’t have a body count in a horror movie apparently there’s no point.

Which is really quite sad, because there’s plenty of fun things a person could do if all crime were legal for an evening. Some ventures don’t have to be violent, and could prove to be quite profitable if you’re creative. Continue reading

Seaton: Laughing, Because We Should

This year’s Emmy for Writing in a Variety Special went to Hannah Gadsby’s Netflix special “Nanette.” If you haven’t seen “Nanette,” critics will tell you to drop everything and go view it immediately. It is a rare feat to reach a critic score of “100% Certified Fresh” on Rotten Tomatoes, and “Nanette” holds that honor as well.

Curiously, over a thousand people who saw Nanette took the time to leave a review on Rotten Tomatoes. While forty six critics gave “Nanette” a “100% Certified Fresh” rating, the 1,290 audience reviewers panned it with a 27% rating overall.

Let’s compare this year’s crowned comedic champion with a recently released special by veteran funnyman Dave Chappelle. Seventeen critics panned “Sticks & Stones” with a total rating of 35%, while 37,739 audience reviewers currently have it sitting at an overall 99% positive score. Continue reading

Seaton: Fun With Free Legal Advice Sites

Have a legal question? Want it answered free of charge? Well, it’s 2019 and the internet is a thing, so there’s no shortage of websites that will let you have just that. Countless areas exist for people to anonymously ask their legal question in the hopes lawyers will answer it. In many cases, on some sites, real lawyers actually will.

It doesn’t matter that the lawyer you’re posing a criminal defense question to primarily practices bankruptcy or property law. As long as they have a bar card, some sites will call them qualified, let them respond to you inquiry and tempt the poor schmuck who dared pen a response to your question to offer you a free consultation for their time and effort.

It’s Friday, and it’s time to get a laugh in, so for this week’s Funny I’ve culled a selection of free legal questions from various sites and I’m going to answer them. Horribly. Before I go any further, I want it clear that none of this is actual legal advice. This is the Friday Funny, and I already mentioned I’m answering these questions horribly. If you read this and then take one iota of my answers seriously, go get your head examined. Continue reading

#BUTHISEMAILS: Dispatches From Mud Lick, Volume 2

Prefatory note: I received another batch of emails from my source “StickWeeks” on a private Discord server. Since I’ve had a strong suspicion Sheriff Roy or someone in his office has been tailing me this week, I’m releasing these emails to the SJ readership.

SHG: If you don’t hear from me this week, release the copy of the restraining order I sent you.—CLS

August 31, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Opening Day in Knoxville

Good evening, everyone: Continue reading