Author Archives: Chris Seaton

Seaton: John Drinks At The End (Again)

Bars weren’t exactly open for business yet in Mud Lick, but tonight the Grassy Knoll Pub was lit as though business was usual. Inside, the proprietor, Jesse Custer, busied himself cleaning in anticipation of a guest’s arrival.

Custer had been on the wrong side of the law long enough to where he hadn’t planned on opening the Knoll tonight. A phone call from Sheriff Roy Templeton changed that. Someone from out of town called him asking a favor. Apparently this someone had enough clout to make Sheriff Roy and the county Health Department look the other way.

Jesse finished wiping down the baseboard of the bar when Cassidy, the Knoll’s doorman, called out, “Custer, our guest is here, and ye’ll never fuckin’ believe who it is.” Continue reading

Seaton: Sheriff Roy and the iPhone Pervert

Arlo Craddock was in a good mood, and nothing could change that.

He smiled as he drove a grey Toyota sedan along the highways and byways of Alabama. The windows were down so Arlo could smell fresh air, and Skynyrd was on the radio. Ironically, the song currently playing was “Freebird.”

Fortune hadn’t been kind to Mr. Craddock in recent days. He’d been in county because of some pictures he took of women. They weren’t even dirty pictures. All Arlo did was take out his camera phone, zoom in on the lady parts, and hit the picture button. Continue reading

Seaton: People You Meet In A Pandemic

It’s Friday, and I’m in a mood to take the piss out of a few people. Your humble humorist held his tongue far too long as everyone turned into miserable assholes in a global pandemic. Now I’m going to have a laugh at the expense of a few guilty parties and I hope you’ll join me.

The wishful among us thought this virus would unite humanity as one [Ed. Note: Just @ me next time, coward], make us all realize we were #InThisTogether, and see us emerge as a better species. The pragmatists watched as people reverted to comical stereotypes of their former selves. Continue reading

Seaton: Frankenstein’s Consumer Spam Email

The following is a mish-mash of lines ripped from just about every corporate email I’ve received since COVID-19 was declared a pandemic. Ok, I may have gotten carried away. Enjoy. —CLS

Dear Valued Customer, Friend, Stockholder, Team Member, and Tribe:

We here at MegaCorp want you to know we’re thinking of you during these trying, unprecedented times. As we shelter in place or stay at home alone together, we want to keep you informed of steps we’re taking to keep you and our employees safe. Continue reading

Seaton: Fact or Fiction

I’m a bit tapped on jokes this week, so today we’re going to play a game. What follows is a collection of ridiculous stories arguably too fantastical to be true. One of the stories is a complete fabrication. I made it up.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to figure out which one of these stories is a lie. Don’t bother Googling—I’ll know. Trust me. Ignore the surveillance drones at your windows. Leave your answer in the comments below. The first correct poster gets an attaboy from me.

Let’s go! Continue reading

Seaton: Unsolicited Opinions, Pandemic Edition

Dear SJ Readership:

The last thing I wanted to do this week was bring you a batch of unsolicited opinions on a random variety of dumb subjects no one should really give a damn about (unless you agree with me). We’re all living through a scary world each day. People are reacting harshly in the oddest ways, and the last thing I wanted to do was rock the boat with some dumb unqualified hot takes.

My mean-ass editor, after multiple discussions this week, has convinced me otherwise. (Ed. Note: We never discussed this. I barely know this Seaton guy.) Apparently my unqualified opinions on random subjects no one gives a damn about are needed more than ever. So, without further ado, let’s cue the Unsolicited Opinions! Continue reading

Seaton: Guilty of Murder By Broadcast Cable

My mean-ass editor warned us all last week how visual “true crime” dramas could potentially undermine the justice system.

[Just] as [the power of visual drama] can be used to create the appearance of a documentary, of being able to watch as reality unfolds before your eyes, that appeals to your sensibilities, it can also be used to create the same false sense of reality that can be used to persuade you that an innocent person is [guilty.]

Tuesday’s broadcast of “Dark Side of the Ring,” the critically acclaimed Vice TV series produced by Jason Eisner and Evan Husney, proved him right. The latest installment, titled “Jimmy Snuka and the Death of Nancy Argentino” served as a vehicle to find James Reiher, better known by the moniker “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka*, guilty of murder in the court of public opinion. Continue reading

Seaton: PNN Evening News

[Camera up on a middle aged man in a suit and tie at the news desk]

ANCHOR: Good evening, I’m Chester Montgomery, and this is your PNN Evening News report.

Today members of the press got into a shouting match with the President and members of the COVID-19 Task Force over useless data and meaningless bunkum. The latest bout of name calling started when the President referred to Jim Acosta as a “mean-spirited no-good poopyhead.” No real information came from the briefing, and the same is expected for tomorrow. Continue reading

Seaton: When Title IX Meets COVID-19

Prefatory Note: Sticky sent me something interesting this week. I leave it here for the SJ readership to analyze. Sticky also asked me to pass along a message: if you’re using Zoom to work from home, make sure you’re not sharing any sensitive information on that platform.—CLS

TRANSCRIPT OF IN RE ROGER STRAIT, CAMPUS MISCONDUCT HEARING, EVERGREEN STATE

[Five faces appear in the Zoom meeting. One screen is distorted.]

DEAN WORMER: All right, it appears as all parties are here for this campus misconduct proceeding pursuant to Title IX. This hearing is In re Roger Strait, regarding sexual misconduct allegations filed by a party who for the purposes of this proceeding will be addressed as “Jane Doe.” We appreciate all parties participating in this proceeding. For the visually impaired, the parties are using jazz hands to signal their support. Continue reading

Seaton: Taking The SJ Show On The Road

Dear SJ Readers:

In these trying, uncertain times, we at Simple Justice want you to know we will be there for you. And since in many areas lawyers are considered “essential services,” after a few discussions with my mean-ass editor, I have great news to offer you. We’re hitting the road to help clients and fellow lawyers in need.

We’re retrofitting the old RV to become the Official SJ Mobile World Headquarters©. If you’ve got a criminal defense problem, just call us at our handy-dandy hotline, 1-888-GET-BENT. We’ll take your name, address, and phone number down and schedule you for a consultation when we get to your area or good and ready, whichever comes first. Continue reading