Author Archives: Chris Seaton

Seaton: The Drew Dilemma

This week Federal agents arrested American Ninja Warrior star Drew Dreschel. Charges against Drew range from “manufacture of child pornography” to “travel with the intent to engage in illicit sexual conduct with a minor.” According to TMZ, Dreschel will be held without bail until his trial in New Jersey as a judge found him to be a flight risk and danger to the community.

Drew is well known in the Parkour/Freerunning world in addition to his appearances on NBC’s famous obstacle course competition show. I’ve trained with Drew on a couple of occasions. At the time TMZ broke the story, I made a rather bland social media statement. Continue reading

Seaton: Lawyers, Baseball and Money

Today we’re going to visit a story about America’s national pastime, cultural insensitivity, and how one determined lawyer can fuck everything up. In other words, this is about as American a story as one can tell.

Baseball is a game played all over the world. It’s common to see players in Major League Baseball from all nationalities. Even though it’s referred to as “America’s National Pastime,” there are leagues in places like Japan and Korea where games draw huge crowds of enthusiastic fans. These days, if someone in a league overseas wants to play in MLB, it’s not hard for agents to negotiate a deal for that player to come to the states. Continue reading

Seaton: Crowdsourced Smart-Assery (Times Edition)

The New York Times, a former newspaper*, ran an article last week with the apparent goal of making average Americans feel bad for ultra-wealthy New Yorkers slumming out the pandemic in second homes. I am not making this up.

Some passages in the article are so mind-numbingly tone deaf one wonders how this ever made print. Emphasis in all this is mine.

“I’m working more than normal, and there is no downtime,” Ms. Smith said. “I used to leave the office and go to Starbucks for a vanilla latte, or just take a walk around the block. Now, if I want coffee I have to walk by my son into the kitchen, so there is no break between work and being a mom.Continue reading

Seaton: The Crazy Origin of the UFC

Mixed Martial Arts, or MMA, is a uniquely American sport developed in our lifetime. It’s a billion dollar business these days, and the biggest name in the game is the Ultimate Fighting Championship, or UFC. Today’s fight cards, however, are a far cry from the batshit insanity that was the first Ultimate Fighting Championship.

The idea of a used car salesman turned ad executive, the Ultimate Fighting Championship was envisioned as the ultimate test of various fighting styles. Art Davie loved the idea of seeing who would win an actual fight between a boxer and a wrestler, for example.* Everyone he pitched the idea to turned him down. Davie’s idea finally caught on with a guy who had a vested interest in making such a tournament happen. Continue reading

Seaton: Drunk, Drunker and A Dog

Deputy Ernesto Miranda saw a lot during his law enforcement career. From his time as a DEA agent to his current post at the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department, the veteran cop thought he’d come across just about every unusual encounter possible.

Nothing compared to what was happening in the Driftwood County Circuit Courtroom right in front of his eyes.

He was a witness for the District Attorney’s office on a case, patiently waiting for the call to the witness stand. The case currently before Judge Daniel Spaulding was bizarre in its own right. Continue reading

Seaton’s Consumer Review: Palm Phones

This week’s post is going to be completely different from anything I’ve ever tried here. Today, I proudly assume the mantle of consumer critic. Yes, I’m still a motivational speaker, but I have to hone various talents while venue bookings are finalized.

Like far too many of us, I am addicted to my cell phone. Whether acting like a fool on Twitter or engaging in a few levels of “One Finger Death Punch 2,” that little black rectangle commands way too much of my attention. My self-awareness led me to check out a device called the “Palm Phone.” Continue reading

Seaton: I’m A Motivational Speaker!

It has come to your humble humorist’s attention people are charging obscene hourly fees to lecture wokescolds everywhere on “white privilege.”

This is absolute bullshit. Charging someone $12,000 for two hours of white guilt absolution is highway robbery. I’ll do it for eight grand.

After all, if that money’s hypothetically going to a white woman as per the link, who better to lead the teeming masses towards enlightenment than I, a privileged white male oppressor who literally represents the patriarchy? By virtue of my birth and lot in life, I figure I’ve got the inside track on what White Privilege is really like. Continue reading

Seaton: Statues I’d Like To See Toppled

Disclaimer/Preface: As I sat down to write this week’s funny, it came to me that this might be your first time at SJ, and I might be the first writer you graced with a click. So to get this out of the way, the following are jokes made for the sole purpose of making people laugh. Call it satire, humor, or whatever floats your boat—just don’t take any of this seriously. Neither my mean-ass editor nor I condone any criminal acts, including the toppling of statues.

It’s summer, the block is hot, and people are out looking to fuck shit up in full force. Whether it’s to protest the deaths of black people at the hands of police or generally sounding the revolutionary bells for the woke and oppressed, people everywhere are toppling statues left and right. Continue reading

Seaton: Nation Tells Fauci to Pound Sand

In a stunning moment of American unity, citizens turned on renowned physician Dr. Anthony Fauci Thursday with a loud “fuck that guy” when the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases said football might not resume in the fall over coronavirus concerns.

“Screw that miserable asshole,” said Q.T. Marshall of Boston, Massachusetts. “He’s never seen a Pats game. I’m ready to see our boys take that miserable cheat Tom Brady down!” Continue reading

Seaton: My Commencement Speech To The Class of 2020

Class of 2020:

Congratulations. You’ve made it. I’m sure the journey to this point was full of surprises and probably wasn’t what you expected, but you’ve finally done it. All the hard work memorizing and retaining info for tests paid off. You now have a piece of paper in your hands saying you graduated from the institution you aren’t currently attending due to COVID-19.

This year, commencement probably looks drastically different than ones you might have attended before. Still, it’s not all that bad! You get to sit in sweats instead of a cap and gown, and there’s no waiting around in a crowded hall to get your diploma. And everyone’s giving awesome commencement addresses, from Barack Obama to me. Yep, a random asshole on the internet is about to give you unsolicited life advice. How cool is that? Continue reading