Author Archives: Chris Seaton

Seaton: The Slapfight

A crowd gathered at Garage 16 on a cold January night in Mud Lick.

The air was thick with the smell of booze and cigarettes, a change from the normal odors of oil and machinery. The crowd surrounded the shop floor and all but four men stayed out of a ring drawn around the floor.

Inside the white circle was a barrel. Atop the barrel sat a small flip chart capable of displaying the numbers 00-99. “Warming up” in their own unique ways in the circle were Stan and George Cocke, the Cocke Boys. Continue reading

Seaton Review: Night Court

When Melissa Rauch, formerly “Bernadette” of the syndicated sitcom “The Big Bang Theory,” announced her next project would be a reboot of “Night Court,” I raised an eyebrow. When Rauch announced she would be an executive producer in addition to starring in the series, I blinked a couple of times in surprise. Any fan of the original series that lasted over a decade will gladly tell you stepping into Harry Anderson’s chambers for Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2 is an extremely tall order for any actor.

Which is why Rauch’s approach—calling this new series a “newboot”—works so well. In fact, two episodes in and I already feel at home in that dingy courtroom again. Continue reading

Seaton: Alabama’s Robot Lawyer

“I thought I made it clear no cell phones are allowed in my courtroom!”

Judge Marvin Hullander’s face registered equal parts befuddlement and annoyance when he saw James Benjamin set a device that looked like an iPhone at the defense table.

“If I may, your honor?” a voice came from the back of the courtroom. A well-dressed man raised his hand and proceeded to make his way forward. “Stan Sampson, President of Advanced Idea Mechanics. What Mr. Benjamin has in front of him isn’t a cell phone. It’s his attorney.”

“Do what now?” Judge Hullander sputtered. Continue reading

Seaton: The SJ 2022 Year In Review

When one looks back at the year 2022, it’ll be safe to say this year was remembered as one where we put aside our collective differences, came together for the betterment of humanity, and took a collective leap forward as a species.

SURPRISE! None of that actually happened. Instead, we got more finger pointing, blaming of elected and unelected idiots for our woes, wars, and general unrest not just in America but across the globe.

At least we didn’t get a pandemic this year. No, we moved onto the Current Thing after COVID in 2022, which is at least a bit of progress. More on that later. Continue reading

Seaton: We’re Totally Getting Terminators In The Future

My mean-ass editor wrote a post earlier this week outlining San Francisco’s recent decision to use remote controlled “killer robots” to beef up their police force. Being something of a fan of the sci-fi genre, I pointed out in the film “Terminator: Salvation” Skynet — the artificial intelligence villain of the Terminator series of films — was actually based in what remained of San Francisco. At the time, I made the remark that police using killer robots was essentially one step closer to Skynet becoming self-aware. Continue reading

Seaton: Parma Police Respond To SCOTUS Petition

[Note: Since the subject of today’s piece lacks any sense of humor and I’m not trying to get arrested, today’s content is brought to you by the word “Parody.” P-A-R-O-D-Y is the defens—I mean the excuse for today’s jokes. Parody. Back to it—CLS]

Good day to all the Simple Justice readers out there. I am Sergeant Bruce D. Cthunts, Public Information Officer for the Parma, Ohio Police Department. I want to take a moment to thank Chris Seaton and Scott Greenfield, two fine men of American letters, great public intellectuals, and snappy dressers to boot, for giving me the space today to address the incident that has our Department’s name in national news again. Continue reading

Seaton: Brady With The Ball

[Note: I originally started writing this after the Bucs lost to the Green Bay Packers last Sunday. With tongue planted firmly in cheek and head fully up my ass, I neglected to even consider the potential damage Hurricane Ian could do to the area.

I hope everyone reading this from Tampa is safe and sound during this tumultuous weather event. Please forgive your humble humorist as he gives a quarterback on his retirement tour one good kicking today—CLS] Continue reading

Seaton: Blame Florida If I’m Arrested

It’s that special time of year again in Knoxville. The time when loyal Vols fans get their bail funds ready and select the proper bottle of mustard to sneak into Neyland Stadium. Trash talking’s been heavy since Sunday morning and Rocky Top’s favored by 6.5 points.

Tomorrow, dear readers, is Florida day. The day when my beloved Vols take on the University of Florida Gators in the hallowed halls of Neyland Stadium in Knoxville. Continue reading