Author Archives: Chris Seaton

Seaton: The Chicken Farm Fight

Sheriff Roy Templeton was in a grumpy mood. Of all the weeks for his wife to try and get him to quit coffee, this was the absolute worst. Instead of a delicious hot cup of black coffee, the Sheriff found himself drinking a mushroom extract tea tasting as if it were strained with a smelly athletic sock.

His rumblings over the disgusting brew were interrupted by a knock on his office door. It was his right-hand man, Deputy Ernesto Miranda, holding the one thing the Sheriff wanted more than anything else: a mug of coffee. Continue reading

Seaton: Assorted Stupidity

What follows are a series of random thoughts recorded over the last few weeks on a dictation app my wife purchased so she didn’t have to hear me type. Consider this a sort of monologue, if you will

—CLS

Jeffrey Tobin returning to CNN after masturbating on the job elsewhere was rather jarring. I don’t think he suffered enough for this sin. If he’s going to remain on TV, I think he should be renamed Zoom Dick.

“And now, joining us to discuss this matter is CNN analyst Zoom Dick. Zoom Dick, thank you for joining us?” Continue reading

Seaton: Coates on Captain America

Right wing provocateur Andrew Breitbart once said “Politics flows downstream from culture.”

Sun-Tzu said in “The Art of War,” “If you know the enemy and you know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.”

With these sayings in mind and a dash of masochism in my heart, I started reading Ta-Nehisi Coates’ run* on “Captain America,” a seminal Marvel title I was sure he’d fuck up on some level. Continue reading

Seaton: My Uncomfortable Letter To Rachel Lindsay

Dear Ms. Lindsay:

I read your recent essay in Vulture about your desire to leave the public life and return to the peace of being a private figure. That is, I made a good faith attempt to read your insipid drivel before giving up and moving on.

Your decision to leave celebrity behind is commendable. You were the first woman of color to receive a first impression rose on The Bachelor. And being the first black Bachelorette was definitely an accomplishment. I can’t say I remember much about your season, but I treat this stuff like some folks treat sports–you keep up with the basics for polite conversation. Continue reading

Seaton: Deputy Tyrone’s Summer Vacation

Prefatory note: Thanks to my hacker contact, “BlueDragon72,” I intercepted this email before it reached its intended destination. I think you’ll find it interesting.—CLS

Dear Sheriff Roy:

Thank you for sending me to Disney World with Nana Wentzel and Deputies Castle and Sims. I know I did a bad thing shoving the baton up that Fed’s backside, but no one disrespects my commanding officer like that. Continue reading

Seaton: The Sheriff and The Spook

Sheriff Roy Templeton instinctively reached for his sidearm when the power went out at the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department. Stuff like this wasn’t supposed to happen when you had two running recursive generators for instances when Old Man Cocke tried to pick a fight with a transformer.

Someone did this on purpose, the Sheriff thought. Assuming a standing defensive position, the Sheriff began checking each room in the station for potential intruders. He’d made it to the front desk when power returned to the building. Continue reading

Seaton: We Need A Task Force X

Like many adult males, I recently sat through the “Friends” reunion. As I spend the rest of the month perusing all the DC Comics material on HBO Max, I realized we’re overlooking a valuable idea in the criminal justice system.

We need our own Suicide Squad.

If you’re not familiar with the Suicide Squad, they’re a team of some of the worst villains the DC Universe could dream up. Each has a small bomb implanted in their neck. If any gets out of line or tries to escape during a mission, a commanding officer activates the bomb, blowing the subject’s head off their shoulders. Continue reading

Seaton Review: Nine Nasty Words

If you’re reading this post, you probably love words. If you’re reading this and involved in the legal profession in any fashion, you probably love swear words. Lawyers, particularly criminal defense and family lawyers, use swear words more often than they would likely admit.

That’s why the book “Nine Nasty Words: English in The Gutter, Then, Now and Forever” by John McWhorter is such an interesting read. If we’re going to use these words, it would do us well to learn something about them. And who better to teach us than a guy like McWhorter, a linguist and English professor at Columbia University. Continue reading

Seaton: Nation Ponders Fauci’s Fate

Millions of Americans and their authoritarian elected leaders reacted in shock and disbelief when Dr. Anthony Fauci, America’s appointed Public Health Jesus by the mainstream media, announced alongside the CDC that fully vaccinated people no longer have to wear masks in most public settings.

The sudden reversal in policy prompted many to question if this was Fauci indeed. Continue reading