Author Archives: Chris Seaton

Seaton: The Ellen Effect, And The Death Of Honest Conversations

Ellen DeGeneres is a talk show host, dance aficionado, and quite the funny comedienne. She’s been credited for making Middle America comfortable with lesbians by coming out on a network television show, heralded as an ally to the woke, and once courageously claimed Donald Trump would never be invited on her show.

So naturally, all hell broke loose on Twitter when a photo of Ellen surfaced at a Dallas Cowboys game. No, Ellen’s offense wasn’t enjoying a Cowboys game [Ed. Note: דַּיֵּנוּ]. It was sitting next to former President George W. Bush.

“How dare she sit next to a bigot who cost American/Iraqi lives in war!” yelled some. “Oh, that’s rich: a wealthy white lesbian is smiling and enjoying a Cowboys game with the guy who pushed for a constitutional amendment defining marriage as union between a man and a woman.” Continue reading

Seaton: One Saturday Night Down South In Knoxville

Last Saturday, my better half surprised me with a gift bag. It contained two day-glow orange T-shirts, and an envelope with two tix to the University of Tennessee vs. UGA game that evening. I immediately broke into a big smile. It was Game Day in Knoxville, ESPN was in town, and we would be live for the party.

If you’re not from East Tennessee, the importance of UT Football is hard to describe. UT football is football in East Tennessee. Ask someone locally if they’re watching “the game on Sunday” any week during football season and they’ll look at you with confusion. “Bless your heart, you mean Saturday, right?” will probably be the response you’ll get.

UT’s football program is historically badass. By kickoff Neyland Stadium becomes the sixth largest city in the entire state. The stadium the Vols call home is named after Brigadier General Robert Neyland, a man so epically badass he fought in World War I, came home and won a few football championships, fought in World War II, then came back home and said, “fuck it, let’s win a few more titles while I feel like it.” Continue reading

Seaton: Deconstructing “The Purge”

It’s October, which means there’s probably another installment of “The Purge” franchise coming to theaters. If you’ve not seen “The Purge” movies, it’s set in an alternate America run by a political faction called “The New Founding Fathers of America” (NFFA). One night a year, first responders get the night off, and from sundown to sunup, all crime is legal.

“The Purge” makes easy money because it’s a campy slasher series at heart. It’s also incredibly lazy writing. The writers automatically revert to everyone wanting to rape and murder everyone in sight, because if you don’t have a body count in a horror movie apparently there’s no point.

Which is really quite sad, because there’s plenty of fun things a person could do if all crime were legal for an evening. Some ventures don’t have to be violent, and could prove to be quite profitable if you’re creative. Continue reading

Seaton: Laughing, Because We Should

This year’s Emmy for Writing in a Variety Special went to Hannah Gadsby’s Netflix special “Nanette.” If you haven’t seen “Nanette,” critics will tell you to drop everything and go view it immediately. It is a rare feat to reach a critic score of “100% Certified Fresh” on Rotten Tomatoes, and “Nanette” holds that honor as well.

Curiously, over a thousand people who saw Nanette took the time to leave a review on Rotten Tomatoes. While forty six critics gave “Nanette” a “100% Certified Fresh” rating, the 1,290 audience reviewers panned it with a 27% rating overall.

Let’s compare this year’s crowned comedic champion with a recently released special by veteran funnyman Dave Chappelle. Seventeen critics panned “Sticks & Stones” with a total rating of 35%, while 37,739 audience reviewers currently have it sitting at an overall 99% positive score. Continue reading

Seaton: Fun With Free Legal Advice Sites

Have a legal question? Want it answered free of charge? Well, it’s 2019 and the internet is a thing, so there’s no shortage of websites that will let you have just that. Countless areas exist for people to anonymously ask their legal question in the hopes lawyers will answer it. In many cases, on some sites, real lawyers actually will.

It doesn’t matter that the lawyer you’re posing a criminal defense question to primarily practices bankruptcy or property law. As long as they have a bar card, some sites will call them qualified, let them respond to you inquiry and tempt the poor schmuck who dared pen a response to your question to offer you a free consultation for their time and effort.

It’s Friday, and it’s time to get a laugh in, so for this week’s Funny I’ve culled a selection of free legal questions from various sites and I’m going to answer them. Horribly. Before I go any further, I want it clear that none of this is actual legal advice. This is the Friday Funny, and I already mentioned I’m answering these questions horribly. If you read this and then take one iota of my answers seriously, go get your head examined. Continue reading

#BUTHISEMAILS: Dispatches From Mud Lick, Volume 2

Prefatory note: I received another batch of emails from my source “StickWeeks” on a private Discord server. Since I’ve had a strong suspicion Sheriff Roy or someone in his office has been tailing me this week, I’m releasing these emails to the SJ readership.

SHG: If you don’t hear from me this week, release the copy of the restraining order I sent you.—CLS

August 31, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Opening Day in Knoxville

Good evening, everyone: Continue reading

Seaton: Florida Man and the Stolen Title Belt

Last Friday I shared the ridiculous story of Chris Jericho and the “stolen” All Elite Wrestling World Championship belt. This week, the story’s gotten more ridiculous, and I would be remiss if I didn’t provide the SJ readership with the Paul Harvey* on the matter.

Turns out the Tallahassee Police Department doesn’t deserve credit for recovering the AEW World Title. A well-intentioned Florida Man celebrating his 41st birthday deserves Mr. Jericho’s gratitude.

Frank Price, listed as the assistant director for the Florida Natural Areas Inventory at Florida State University, spotted a scuffed up velvet bag in a turn lane while returning home from a scalloping** expedition with friends on his birthday. Continue reading

Seaton: The Case of the Stolen World Championship

This week, dear readers, we’re taking a break from Mud Lick and the usual shenanigans within to share a current events story combining several of my guilty pleasures: absurd humor, law, and professional wrestling.

Chris Irvine, better known as Chris Jericho, is a professional wrestling superstar, frontman for the heavy metal band Fozzy, and spokesperson for cat litter. On August 31, Jericho became the first ever All Elite Wrestling World Champion after beating “Hangman” Adam Page during All Elite’s “All Out” show in Chicago.

Sometime Sunday, the All Elite Championship was stolen. According to the police reports, Jericho flew from Chicago to Tallahassee and took a limo from the airport to a Longhorn Steakhouse, presumably to celebrate his championship win. Once at the Longhorn, Jericho realized he’d inadvertently left his luggage at the airport and asked the limo driver to fetch the correct luggage. Continue reading

Seaton: Cockefights in Mud Lick

Deputy Miranda knocked on Sheriff Roy’s office door.

“Sheriff?”

“Yes, Deputy…um, “Si, Señor?”

Miranda sighed. “With all due respect, Sheriff, I don’t know if you’re screwing with me or if this is a good faith effort to show me some respect due to my Latinx heritage. You know I speak English fluently. You knew that when you hired me.” Continue reading

Seaton: #ButHisEmails Dispatches From Mud Lick

I obtained the following emails on a private Discord server from someone with the online handle “StickyWeeks.” After thorough vetting, I am convinced these emails are from the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department. In the interests of full public disclosure, I provide them to you, the loyal SJ readership.—CLS

August 5, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: Highway Cleanup Vest Alterations

Hello everyone: Continue reading