Author Archives: Chris Seaton

Seaton: Brady With The Ball

[Note: I originally started writing this after the Bucs lost to the Green Bay Packers last Sunday. With tongue planted firmly in cheek and head fully up my ass, I neglected to even consider the potential damage Hurricane Ian could do to the area.

I hope everyone reading this from Tampa is safe and sound during this tumultuous weather event. Please forgive your humble humorist as he gives a quarterback on his retirement tour one good kicking today—CLS] Continue reading

Seaton: Blame Florida If I’m Arrested

It’s that special time of year again in Knoxville. The time when loyal Vols fans get their bail funds ready and select the proper bottle of mustard to sneak into Neyland Stadium. Trash talking’s been heavy since Sunday morning and Rocky Top’s favored by 6.5 points.

Tomorrow, dear readers, is Florida day. The day when my beloved Vols take on the University of Florida Gators in the hallowed halls of Neyland Stadium in Knoxville. Continue reading

Seaton: Of Matts and Mermaids

“Cheap Heat” is a professional wrestling term used to describe a throwaway remark or action by a performer that requires little effort and is guaranteed to elicit a negative crowd reaction. Examples of this would be wiping one’s ass with a Josh Allen jersey in Buffalo or reminding the fine people of Jacksonville their football team’s never going to win a Super Bowl.

The use of cheap heat by conservative commentator Matt Walsh on his Daily Wire Plus show is especially galling, considering Matt’s schtick would fit right in if he were a heel wrestling manager back in the territories. I’m talking specifically today about a clip my mean-ass editor assaulted me with Wednesday night where Walsh took issue with Disney casting a young black girl in the lead of the live-action “Little Mermaid” remake. Continue reading

Seaton: An Open Letter To Certain Unnamed Software Developers

Dear Unnamed Developers Of Professional Executive Software (I’m calling you DOPES for short going forward):

I’ve been a regular user of one of your products for about five years now in my business. It was a perfectly fine piece of cloud-based software that allowed me to quickly access records, print reports I needed to send out to get paid, and generally manage the day to day affairs of my business. Continue reading

Seaton: Sheriff Roy’s Dishwasher Blues

Sheriff Roy Templeton finally had a day off. He’d told Deputy Miranda, his second in command, to hold all calls for the day unless the matter was nothing short of an active shooter scenario. Settling into his easy chair, Mud Lick’s top cop prepared to open his copy of Peter Thiel’s “Zero to One” and finally let the tension in his shoulders and neck release.

That’s when a loud buzzing noise emanating from the kitchen threatened to severely damage Sheriff Roy’s calm. Continue reading

Seaton: The Lonely McMahon

Vincent Kennedy McMahon, the 40 year Chairman of the Board and CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, retired last Friday, marking a pivotal change in the world of professional wrestling.

Vince’s “retirement” at age 77 in the company he helped turn into the largest North American professional wrestling promotion largely had to do with two things. The first was a Board of Directors investigation into several NDAs signed by former WWE employees Vince had sexual relationships with over a span of 20 years. The amount paid in exchange for these signed NDAs was over $12 million out of Vince’s personal piggybank. Continue reading

Seaton: In Which I Am Civil To My Core (Not Really)

Hi everyone! I hope you’re having a great start to your Friday. This week I learned about something rather interesting concerning a company called CoreCivic. In case you’re not familiar with them, CoreCivic is one of the largest private prison companies in the nation. They run a facility in my home state called the Trousdale Turner Correctional Center.

Trousdale is, to put it nicely, a shithole. It isn’t properly staffed, the inmates have free run of the entire facility, and one ended up dead because the Subway Sandwich Shop trained hacks couldn’t be bothered to actually conduct regular cell or pod inspections. Continue reading