Author Archives: Chris Seaton

Seaton: When Title IX Meets COVID-19

Prefatory Note: Sticky sent me something interesting this week. I leave it here for the SJ readership to analyze. Sticky also asked me to pass along a message: if you’re using Zoom to work from home, make sure you’re not sharing any sensitive information on that platform.—CLS


[Five faces appear in the Zoom meeting. One screen is distorted.]

DEAN WORMER: All right, it appears as all parties are here for this campus misconduct proceeding pursuant to Title IX. This hearing is In re Roger Strait, regarding sexual misconduct allegations filed by a party who for the purposes of this proceeding will be addressed as “Jane Doe.” We appreciate all parties participating in this proceeding. For the visually impaired, the parties are using jazz hands to signal their support. Continue reading

Seaton: Taking The SJ Show On The Road

Dear SJ Readers:

In these trying, uncertain times, we at Simple Justice want you to know we will be there for you. And since in many areas lawyers are considered “essential services,” after a few discussions with my mean-ass editor, I have great news to offer you. We’re hitting the road to help clients and fellow lawyers in need.

We’re retrofitting the old RV to become the Official SJ Mobile World Headquarters©. If you’ve got a criminal defense problem, just call us at our handy-dandy hotline, 1-888-GET-BENT. We’ll take your name, address, and phone number down and schedule you for a consultation when we get to your area or good and ready, whichever comes first. Continue reading

Seaton: Lock Down In Mud Lick

Prefatory Note: Sticky’s Back! After weeks of silence, I finally saw Sticky Weeks back on our private Discord server with a brand new batch of leaks from the Mud Lick Sheriff. And this time he’s managed to hack into Sheriff Roy’s private journal! Enjoy—CLS

March 12, 2020

It is out of a desire to chronicle the madness engulfing our collective society I begin this journal. Panic is widespread in Mud Lick since word of COVID-19 hit our quiet little Southern town. The town elders tell us protocols in place since the Rand McNally Scourge will protect us. I am skeptical of their confidence.

Our one big box grocery store has cleaning products and hand sanitizer flying off the shelves. The mom and pop businesses are doing what they can to keep up with demands. Continue reading

Seaton: Friday Funny Suspended Due To Corona Virus

Dear SJ Readers:

After numerous discussions with my mean-ass editor this week, it is with a heavy heart that I  am forced to announce that the Friday Funny will be suspended, effective immediately, for at least seven days due to coronavirus concerns.

“But Chris,” you might say, “this is just a blog post chock full of your one-liners, silly zingers, and semi-fictional stories you write each week to make us smile!” I know, I know. This move is not taken lightly and out of an abundance of caution to keep you, the SJ reader, as healthy as possible. Continue reading

Seaton: Local Man Unconcerned With Coronavirus

Despite concerted efforts from local news media, friends, family, and acquaintances, a Grove Park man refuses to freak out about the coronavirus illness sweeping the globe causing numerous cases of illness and death.

Nathan Schultz, 35, a father of two and graphics design artist, was quoted as saying, “I get it, people are worried about the coronavirus thing. I just don’t see a reason to freak out about it especially when I’ve got two clients who need their projects finished by the end of the week.”

When asked about the letters of concern from his children’s school about the coronavirus, Schultz said, “I get they’re worried. I’m glad they’re looking out for the kids. So am I, and right now my biggest worry is making sure my daughter makes basketball practice on time tonight.” Continue reading

Seaton: A Judge Goaded Too Far

Prefatory note: My mean-ass editor started the week with a post on a goaded judge, so I thought it would be fun to end the week with my all-time favorite story of a goaded judge and the lawyer who pissed him off. For reasons I’ll keep to myself, I’ll just say the following is a true story, with names and certain facts changed to protect the parties involved—CLS

Harrison “Harry” Blodgette was a trial attorney in Driftwood County, Alabama. Possessed with an over-the-top personality, an outspoken demeanor and a never-ending supply of bravado, Harry’s claim to local legal fame was bankrupting a Wal-Mart franchise over workers’ compensation issues. While that lawsuit lined Blodgette’s pockets and helped him start his own firm, the judgment and its residual effects left a bad taste in the mouth of many who lost jobs and a place to find goods at low prices. Continue reading

Seaton: The SFL Index

I learned yesterday of a resolution in the Tennessee House of Representatives that, if passed, would condemn CNN and the Washington Post as “fake news.”

Micah Van Huss, representative for an area with two main roads and one stoplight, penned this poorly-worded series of “Whereas” clauses. The two-page screed takes issue with references to those who support our current president as “cultists,” praises President Trump for taking on the establishment for the working man, and if passed, officially declares CNN and WaPo as “the media wing of the Democratic Party.”

It’s all a political stunt designed to garner favor with certain voters. Van Huss is up for reelection this year and faces a primary challenge, in addition to the November general election. Continue reading

Seaton: When Pre-K Goes Pre-Woke

Most current educational discourse centers around fears of college indoctrination. As we struggle with how much ideology those in higher education impress on students, there’s a movement to hook children far earlier than one would expect. In at least one New York preschool, the curriculum includes discussions on gender fluidity and sexuality.

In an e-mail to parents and caregivers on Jan. 16, teacher Rosy Clark lays out lessons based on the Black Lives Matter Week of ­Action for a pre-kindergarten class at PS 58, located in well-regarded District 15 in Carroll Gardens.

The email* from Ms. Clark** outlines the way she plans to introduce the “Thirteen Principles” of the Black Lives Matter movement in her classroom. While police brutality and current events are off the table, transgender and queer affirmation are completely appropriate for developing minds. Continue reading

Seaton: The Dog Ate The Discovery

Prefatory Note: Something is rotten in Mud Lick. The following is correspondence obtained through my contact, “Sticky Weeks,” and may be potentially damning for the Driftwood County Attorney’s office—CLS

August 15, 2019
FROM: Ian Ramsay ([email protected])
TO: Jimmy McGinty ([email protected])
SUBJECT: FOIA Request re Moon House murders

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Ian Ramsay and I’m a freelance journalist creating a podcast on the Moon House murders in Mud Lick, Alabama. I would like to see what is publicly available in the DA’s case file for reference material. Continue reading

Seaton: Be Glad You Don’t Know Jack

Professional Wrestling is best likened to a very physical form of dance, where participants put their lives in each other’s hands nightly.* Outcomes may be predetermined, but injuries are very real, and wrestlers maintain faith in each other every night that they’ll leave the arena unharmed.

Then there’s Jerome Young, better known as “New Jack.”**

A self-professed ex-bounty hunter with allegedly five justifiable homicides under his belt, New Jack was more of a psychotic thug than a wrestler. His “matches” usually featured victims getting bludgeoned with various weapons Jack would carry to the ring in a trash can. From computer keyboards to guitars filled with jock itch powder, New Jack never found an object he couldn’t swing at someone while Dr. Dre and Ice Cube’s “Natural Born Killaz” boomed in the background. Continue reading