Author Archives: Chris Seaton

Seaton: My Son Gets Into Sports

I signed my son up for karate this week. He’s finally into sports, and one that won’t (theoretically) give him a concussion or turn him into a toxic-masculinity-fueled youthful super-predator. Theoretically.

He deserves it. I’m proud to say attempt #2 at child rearing produced a selfless young man with incredible heart and a level of polite manners that would turn a society debutante’s head. Karate was the one thing yours truly could get behind that he really seemed to enjoy.

So I guess I’m a karate dad now. Continue reading

Seaton: Clarifications, Updates and Retractions on Nextdoor

What would a place like Nextdoor—the neighborhood social media app designed to bring neighbors together—look like if it had a section for clarifications, updates, retractions, and amplifications? I took a moment to suss out how such a feature would look.

Richard Stepman of Oyster Bay, Long Island, New York would really appreciate it if neighbors stopped calling his son, Richard Junior, “Little Dicky.” While the joke was funny at last week’s block party, the name calling is getting old, and both Richards would prefer it stop. Continue reading

Seaton: Greg Ellis’ “The Respondent”

Family law is a squishy area to discuss. Criminal defense is neat and tidy by comparison. In criminal law, it’s the client and counsel against the might of the government. Family law, by comparison, is an area where everyone’s expected to get along in an incredibly hostile environment.

Attorneys and clients who go through a Family Law case of any sort unknowingly walk into a metaphorical meat grinder. Marital dissolutions and child custody cases will suck the life out of the most battle-hardened lawyer, and leave all parties scarred and jaded for their efforts. Continue reading

Seaton: The Mind of Maher

I can’t say I’ve ever been a fan of Bill Maher. Some of his HBO stand-up specials were pretty funny, but his film “Religulous” and panel show Real Time With Bill Maher strike me as self-obsessed works pandering to his sense of smug superiority.

No real improvements were apparent once Maher’s corporate media bosses started letting him interview “problematic” guests like Milo Yiannopolous or Jordan Peterson. Maher still had to get his digs in on conservatives and their policy decisions every chance he could and regurgitate all the current progressive talking points. Continue reading

Seaton: A Health-Related Programming Note

Happy Friday, everybody! By the time you read this, I’ll be sitting in an Orthopedist’s office, masked up, waiting on my appointment to address my left knee.

This is the first time my body’s actively betrayed me while in the line of duty, so I’m not quite sure what to expect.

Everything with my knee really started about eight years ago when I was acting a fool with some friends at a local trampoline park. After attempting what some would refer to as a “suicide dive” from a springboard into a foam pit, I felt something move in my left knee. Continue reading

Seaton Review: The Suicide Squad

David Ayer’s “Suicide Squad” (2016) is best described as cinematic masturbation. It’s good for a quick, cheap thrill, but you feel dirty and unsatisfied afterwards.

Maybe that’s why James Gunn’s latest offering, “The Suicide Squad,” feels so satisfying to watch. It’s not a reboot or a remake; it’s a fresh coat of paint on an IP that desperately needed one.

Continue reading

Seaton: My Squad Form Rejection Letter

Are you expecting a visit from Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar, or any of the other members of “The Squad” in your immediate future? Does the thought of dealing with air-headed idiots make you squirm in your seat?

Fear not, dear reader. I have taken it upon myself to create a letter you too can share with the Squad member coming to your hometown letting them know you’re not happy with their presence. There’s a bit of material here, so feel free to copy and paste at your convenience!

Dear (insert Squad member here—use their title as well, let’s be courteous!): Continue reading

Seaton: The Chicken Farm Fight

Sheriff Roy Templeton was in a grumpy mood. Of all the weeks for his wife to try and get him to quit coffee, this was the absolute worst. Instead of a delicious hot cup of black coffee, the Sheriff found himself drinking a mushroom extract tea tasting as if it were strained with a smelly athletic sock.

His rumblings over the disgusting brew were interrupted by a knock on his office door. It was his right-hand man, Deputy Ernesto Miranda, holding the one thing the Sheriff wanted more than anything else: a mug of coffee. Continue reading