Author Archives: Chris Seaton

Seaton: News You Need To Know

You’re going to hear enough about the impeachment trial all week next week, so I thought today we’d go through some various items of interest you might have missed.

  1. Chief Justice Roberts used the phrase “OK Boomer’’ during oral arguments before the Supreme Court this week. According to court watchers, this was a test run for Roberts’ attempts to make Supreme Court opinions more accessible to millennials. Expect the Chief Justice to begin adding “yeet,” “on fleek,” “extra,” and “bougie” to future penned opinions.
  2. Disgraced media mogul Harvey Weinstein’s legal team asked again for a change of venue, claiming there’s no way he can get a fair trial in Manhattan. The newly requested venue is apparently Snake Island. Continue reading

Seaton: #ButHisEmails, Dispatches From Mud Lick, V.3

Prefatory Note: I got several messages from “StickyWeeks,” my informant with a private Discord Channel, over the holidays involving some rather explosive messages from the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department’s email server. I provide them to you, the SJ readership, as a public service.—CLS

December 26, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Boxing Day Reminders

Good morning everyone. I hope all of you had a safe and wonderful Christmas. The following are some important reminders as we leave one holiday and head to another. Continue reading

Seaton: Dispatch From The Island

SHG:

Aloha from “my island.” I don’t want to give away too many particulars of my location because I like how few people are actually around.

It’s amazing out here. A ten minute walk for coffee in the morning will give you a gorgeous oceanfront experience. I am sheltered from the bulk of “mainlanders,” the good-natured jab locals call tourists. There’s basically no one within thousands of miles to piss me off. Continue reading

Seaton: More Unsolicited Opinions

Here again are some unsolicited opinions, offered by a likely unqualified random person on the internet whom no sane person should take seriously. Unless you agree with me.

Here’s a fun thing to try this year. Instead of cookies and milk, have your kids leave a flight of beer and a pizza for Santa. You know what the jolly old elf really wants, and it’s not sugar and dairy.

One book I’d like to read next year is “We Fucked Up: An Extensive Apology Of Everything Bad We’ve Done” by Kamala Harris and Kirsten Gilibrand. Of course it’ll never get written, but a man can dream, can’t he?

Bumper stickers and decals are getting out of hand. You’re allowed two bumper stickers and one window decal. Points are deducted if a bumper sticker is from a failed politician’s campaign. Continue reading

Seaton: With Apologies To Dr. Seuss

Prefatory Note: the following was written almost two years ago in honor of “National Dr. Seuss Day” as a tribute to the beloved children’s author. As many of you may not have seen the original post, I’ve decided to bring it back this week.—CLS

I am an inmate in a prison near you.

I am Oaf
Oaf I am

That Oaf-I-Am!
That Oaf-I-Am!
I do not like that Oaf-I-Am!

Do you like
Nutraloaf? Continue reading

Seaton: A Very Mud Lick Christmas

The holiday spirit lit up Mud Lick, Alabama like the warm glow of lights from a Christmas tree. This was Sheriff Roy’s favorite time of the year. Though snow wasn’t common that deep in the South, all the residents took great care in meticulously decorating their homes and storefronts. Holiday music rang through the speakers at the local Value-Lot.

A modest Christmas tree sat in the corner of the Sheriff’s Department bullpen. Sheriff Roy bought doughnuts with red and green icing that morning, and he nibbled on one as he wrapped his Secret Santa present: a copy of Scott Adams’ “Win Bigly.”

Sheriff Templeton’s festive mood was suddenly jolted by his phone ringing. It was Deputy Miranda. Continue reading

Seaton: Don’t Be A Dick Like J. Wade Smith

When you graduate from law school you get two letters next to your name for the three years of effort and debt. Those letters are J.D., and in theory they stand for “Juris Doctor.” Sometimes, those letters stand for “Justa Dickhead.”

Submitted for your humble consideration is such a motherfucker by the name of J. Wade Smith, an attorney from Lake Charles, Louisiana, working mighty hard to make those of us who call ourselves lawyers look mighty shitty.

J. Wade has a neighbor named Elizabeth Richards. Ms. Richards either has kids or lets kids play in her yard. On November 10, two children were kicking a football in Ms. Richards’ yard. One kick sent the football “dead center” into the “designer metal fence” surrounding J. Wade’s property. Continue reading

Seaton: Thanksgiving With Sheriff Roy

It was Thanksgiving in Mud Lick, Alabama, and Sheriff Roy Templeton was getting uneasy. Arlene was setting odd place cards at the dining room table. Sheriff Roy’s read as follows:

ROY TEMPLETON. PRONOUNS HE/HIM/HIS

“Arlene, what in the name of Bear Bryant are these wastes of card stock doing at my damn dinner table?” the Sheriff asked.

“It was your niece Cindy’s idea, honey. She says it respects peoples’ dignity to do stuff like this, and we don’t want Roy Junior thinking his family’s disrespectful, do we?” Continue reading

Seaton: Unsolicited Opinions

Here are a few unsolicited opinions, offered by a likely unqualified person on the internet, which no rational person should give a damn about unless they agree with said opinions.

If you walk up and down every aisle of a grocery store and don’t actually purchase an item from each aisle, you’re the Kroger equivalent of a mall walker and deserve to be treated as such.

Texting is ruining human communication. What reasonable person spends time typing words out with their thumbs when you can accomplish the same goal in less time with a phone call? It’s getting out of hand. We have birthday texts, holiday texts, group texts, and more. There’s even “sexting,” which becomes problematic when kids do it. Just stop now. Continue reading

Seaton: Celebrate Thanksgiving, Dammit

Tuesday I saw an abomination at my son’s day care. It stood in the lobby, taller than both of us, green, and covered in lights. Someone put a fucking Christmas tree up on November 12th.

Did I miss a memo? Are we no longer even putting Thanksgiving in the calendar as a holiday? Why are we going from Halloween straight to Christmas now? This is the fault of those fucking millennials, isn’t it?

Thanksgiving is an important holiday on the calendar. It’s the one time of the year when we celebrate the greatest of all things American: eating massive amounts of food, imbibing beverages of all sorts, getting into arguments with your uncle who posts stupid shit on Facebook, and eventually falling asleep on the couch watching football. Continue reading