Author Archives: Chris Seaton

Seaton: Woke Teachers Wonder Where Things Went Wrong

A group of college professors met this week to solve a crucial problem facing academia: why they can’t just teach anymore.

“We gave them trigger warnings on syllabi, safe spaces for disagreeable speakers, and emotional support animals in the classroom,” one professor sobbed. “Now they roam the campus in golf carts, wielding baseball bats to attack us when we don’t cater to their every whim!”

Another looked nervously out a window before adding, “It would’ve been nice if we didn’t have to write a statement each year affirming diversity and inclusion in our classrooms. What the hell does diversity and inclusion have to do with physics?” Continue reading

Seaton: Community In Shock As Neighbors Civilly Disagree

A quiet suburban community is reeling from the horrific tragedy of two men leaving a home dinner mutually agreeing to disagree with each other over certain controversial subjects.

“Look, I like Jim,” said John Anderson, “We meet every week or two with our spouses for dinner, and we’ll try occasionally to find common ground on stuff, but I just think he’s wrong about a few things. He’s got great taste in scotch, though!”

“I’ve known John ever since he and his husband moved to the neighborhood,” quipped Jim Stone. “He’s an incredibly smart guy and very generous with his time to anyone who asks. I just fundamentally disagree with him on a few issues and have since we first met.” Continue reading

Seaton: Task Force To Study Task Force’s Failures

A blue-ribbon task force, comprised of plaintiffs’ personal injury attorneys, appellate judges, lawmakers, and counsel to the Governor, assembled in Madison, Wisconsin this week to determine why proposals from the previous task force assigned to address Wisconsin’s failing indigent defense system didn’t work.

“Obviously, we’ve got to do something here,” said Judge Marcus Brody.

The last time we put a task force on indigent defense together they made great holistic recommendations like raising pay rates for lawyers taking court appointed cases, mandatory training for potential indigent defense counsel, and a review of the state’s cash bail system. But here we are, three years later and a quarter of a million dollars in the hole, and all the state legislature did is give private attorneys an extra $5 per hour for their in-court time!”

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Seaton: Protestors Protest Decades Old Hurtful Comments

Tensions at a prominent university burst last week when protestors swarmed the campus administrative complex demanding popular Astronomy professor Dr. Charles Schlossman be fired over ill-advised comments about women in the workplace allegedly made at a conference twenty-seven years ago.

While no audio, video, or written record of these alleged comments exists, protestors in attendance agreed Schlossman’s termination wasn’t enough. Their official list of demands included President Julius Wolfenbarger’s immediate resignation, a statement from the school denouncing institutionalized misogyny, and every protestor in attendance getting a free maple bacon glazed donut. Except for Mandy Rose, a Junior in the drama department, who’s vegan. She’ll requires tofu. Continue reading

Seaton: Bicoastal Intellectuals Fail Free Speech

The Smart Guys’ Secret Social Network, a ragtag band of heterodox thinkers from all walks of life, recently convened in Los Angeles to discuss what the group saw as an ever rising tide of social media trolls and online attacks.

“It’s getting really tiresome,” moaned Guy Stuben, host of popular YouTube channel “The Stuben Retort.”

You can mute and block all day long, but eventually you need to address certain attacks, because they carry negative consequences if you just ignore them.

Everyone nodded in approval. Continue reading

Seaton: Mixed Reactions To Mud Lick’s MRAP

“SKEEW, Boys, we gots us a doggone tank!” cried Sheriff Joe Bob Briggs of Mud Lick, Alabama, on presentation of a retired MRAP vehicle procured from Alabama’s new Helping Our Loved Defenders Make Your Backyards Even Extra Safer program, otherwise known as the HOLD MY BEERS Act.

The purpose of the HOLD MY BEERS program is to donate out-of-service military equipment, like MRAPs*, fully automatic rifles and grenades to state law enforcement personnel, who are totally trusted to never misuse stuff like this at any time. Ever. Lucky Alabama counties are chosen via random lottery for these important law enforcement implements, which we all know will never make police feel like warriors on a battlefield while carrying out their duties. Continue reading

Seaton: The Unpersoned And The Unpaid Debt

Aaron Hernandez’s story weighed heavily on my mind recently thanks to the Boston Globe’s series “Gladiator.” One particular aspect of the former New England Patriot’s woes particularly bothered me. Once arrested on a charge of first degree murder, his former team tried to erase him from history.

It didn’t take long for the NFL and the Patriots to stop selling Aaron Hernandez jerseys online following the tight end getting arrested and charged with murder. The Pats took things a step further by offering a free exchange over the weekend for Patriots fans who wanted to rid themselves of their Hernandez jerseys.

The swap was quite popular with more than 1,200 fans showing up to flip their jerseys. And all told, the Patriots ended up losing about $250,000 during the swap, team owner Robert Kraft said Monday when speaking on Hernandez for the first time publicly since the tight end’s arrest.

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Seaton: Justice or Jussie In The System

Were you outraged when the Cook County State’s Attorney’s office announced they dropped 16 counts of felony disorderly conduct against “Empire” actor Jussie Smollett? Or did you shrug and move on with your day? Your answer to that question is going to say a lot about how you really view our modern criminal justice system.

Smollett, in case you’ve been living under a rock, claimed two men in MAGA hats jumped him at 2 AM in Chicago on one of last January’s coldest nights. According to Jussie, the duo kicked him in the ribs, poured bleach on him, strung a noose around his neck and yelled, “This is MAGA country!” In Chicago, of all places. One understands why people would call “bullshit” on these claims from the start, but I digress.

Prominent politicians quickly dubbed the story a “modern day lynching.” Chicago police launched an investigation which led them to two Nigerian brothers Smollett met on the “Empire” set. The brothers claimed Smollett paid them $3,500 via check to help him stage the hate crime, and video apparently shows the two buying supplies for the attack. Continue reading

Seaton: No NSAC Nannies Needed

Trash talk is a time-honored part of combat sports. From Muhammad Ali’s verbal jabs at his opponents to Dwayne Johnson threatening to send jabronis to the “Smackdown Hotel,”* it’s generally considered a pre-fight ritual. Two guys poised to fight don’t like each other, they say a bunch of nasty stuff about their opponent, and then fans delight as the two slug it out in a ring or a cage.

Nevada, home to many Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) events, apparently thinks it’s time to play nanny to MMA fighters and regulate what can be said before an event.

“I think it’s gotten to the point with certain unarmed combatants to where it’s become totally unacceptable,” said Nevada State Athletic Commission (NSAC) Executive Director Bob Bennett. “I definitely think, unequivocally, that’s something we need to take a more active role in and hold fighters accountable for their language.”

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Seaton: When “Toxic Masculinity” Strikes

(Prefatory note: this post is going to sound angry. That’s because I’m angry. If the righteous indignation of a father who cares about his kids bothers you, then piss off.)

Filmmaker Cassie Jaye got a lot of flack from the mainstream media and the wokescolds after the debut of her film “The Red Pill,” a documentary where a feminist looked at the lives of MRAs (Men’s Rights Activists) and gave them even footing to air their grievances against society.

“How dare she,” some in the feminist circles crowed. “Those stupid MRAs don’t have a clue what they’re talking about.” Continue reading