Let’s begin this week with some observations I’ve made over the course of last week’s visits to the grocery store.

First, our society has become a lawless hellscape run by thugs, the likes of which haven’t been seen since “Mad Max.”

Second, people clearly haven’t been taught proper grocery store etiquette.

Third, most people don’t have a clue about what they’re doing when they go grocery shopping.

Some of you who are frequent readers here know my stance on grocery store etiquette (GuitarDave, you can put your hand down, you’re one of my star pupils). I don’t think I’ve ever shared my personal system of shopping in grocery stores. Until now.

That’s right, folks, today I’m going to share with you my personal grocery shopping system that will not only make you a more pleasant shopper at your local supermarket, it’s going to save you a ton of time. Using my system I handle my business from entry to exit at the local Kroger in eight minutes. The same endeavor would take most folks 20 at minimum.

So read on and find out how you too can be a highly efficient and pleasant grocery shopper for your next trip. I’m going to break my system up into parts for clarity and ease of reading.

PLANNING

You’ve got to have a plan before you set foot in the grocery store. This goes far beyond making a list of the stuff you want to buy when you get there. It is your job to know the precise location in your grocery store of regular household items you purchase there. Other items to consider include the number of entrances and exits, which of these have the least foot traffic and the ideal grocery cart selection, the closest parking spaces, and the amount of items one may take through an Express or Self-Checkout lane.

Now that you’ve covered those logistical questions, it’s time to make a list. Your list will not exceed the amount of items that you can take through an Express or Self-Checkout lane. If you must exceed that amount, I can make one of two assumptions about you.

1. You are coming back from some sort of extended trip and need to replenish your pantry.
2. You are a gluttonous person and need to seek God.

Seriously, stick to the Express item limit. Your wallet and your back will thank you for it. Plus you can get other shit tomorrow if you really need to.

ARRIVAL

On arrival you need to make a quick decision: shopping cart or basket? Nine times out of ten, you’ll want to go with the basket as it’s easier to manipulate through grocery aisles than a shopping cart and will keep up nicely with the pace you’ll be moving. If you do need a shopping cart, take three sanitary wipes and give the cart a brief wipe down. One for the handle, one for the bottom of the cart, and one for the interior cart walls.

Immediately dispose of these wipes. Do not leave them in the cart. And for the love of God, don’t use a cart with previously used sanitary wipes or circulars in them. That’s just nasty.

Once you’ve made your selection, you may take a look at your list one time. This is one of three times you’ll be allowed to look at your list, so make it count. Get a good picture in your head of what you need, then enter the grocery store’s interior.

SHOPPING

You will start on the side of the grocery store you entered and make your way, aisle by aisle, gathering your selected items. Your mentality should follow this simple philosophy: “Get in, get your shit, get out.”

As you go from aisle to aisle, you will grab the items you need from your list and quickly place them into your cart or basket. You have no need to stop and look at ingredient labels because you know what you’re getting already. Produce and meat get a cursory glance to make sure you’re buying fresh items.

Areas to avoid are the hot bar, salad bar, bakery* and deli counters. These areas take up far too much time. Unless you specifically need something from one of these areas, skip them. The same goes for the meat and fish counters.

If you need something from those areas of the store, see if you can call in an order ahead of time so that you’re only interacting with people at a bare minimum for your order.

Speaking of people interaction, let’s get this out of the way: the grocery store is NOT a place to engage in idle chitchat no matter who you see there. Even if it’s one of your closest friends remember they’re there to get in, get their shit, and get out too. Engaging in idle banter about the spouse and kids detracts from their valuable time. Don’t be a time suck.

In the occasion you run into a close friend or family member you are allowed one curt nod after the two of you lock eyes. Then you can catch up later at your leisure.

At some point you may need to stop and take a cursory look at your list to make sure you’re still on the right track. It’s not preferable, but it’s better than forgetting an item. Just remember that’s one more time you’ve lost looking at your grocery list.

Upon collection of all your necessary items, proceed to the Express or Self-Checkout lane closest to the entrance you used. Before entering the Checkout area take one final look at your list to ensure you got all the necessary items for this trip.

CHECKOUT

On arrival at what we’ll call from this point the Express Checkout lane, make sure you have your identification handy for an attendant’s inspection if you’re purchasing adult beverages or spirits. You will scan these immediately after scanning your loyalty card to the store. That gets the matter of ID inspection out of the way and lets the checkout attendant help other customers more quickly.

Efficient bagging of your groceries is key. Don’t mix frozen foods with pantry goods. Make sure the items fit in the bags nicely and the bagging makes sense. In the event you have certain items that must be bagged separate, like bread or eggs, scan them, place them in your cart, and then bag them on completion of your transaction.

You’ll ideally be paying with a card because the transaction is faster, but if you must pay with cash, have the amount ready to place in the checkout till before you begin scanning. Make sure the money is easily accessible. You want to be able to start feeding currency into the machine the moment you press “Cash” as a payment option.

Remember, we’re aiming for speed and efficiency here.

On completion of payment, collect your receipt and any change necessary. Place the receipt in a bag. If you’ve used a basket, you are free to leave it at the till for employees to collect. If you’re using a shopping cart, make sure you place your bags in a responsible formation so nothing gets crushed or damaged on the way to your vehicle.

You may now exit the store. Be sure to wish the attendant a “have a nice day” in passing as you do. Barring that, a simple “thank you” will suffice. These people make dick all to put up with our shit, so the best we can do is throw them some manner of polite comment.

EXITING THE STORE

As you exit, be mindful of other customers that exit the store with you. You will do this by walking in a straight line for the door, avoiding contact with anyone who might be entering or exiting at the same time. You will not stop to inspect your goods, pick your nose, or scratch your ass. You’re leaving.

There’s a phenomenon I’ve noticed among elderly white men in particular on exiting grocery stores. These men push their carts out of the exit at a diagonal, asses stuck out in the air and stooped over the handle. They move slower than molasses. Don’t be this person. If this is you, you need Jesus in your life and I’m praying you repent of your wickedness.

You will now return to your car and place the purchased items in the appropriate places. If you purchased eggs, they are to occupy the passenger seat due to their fragile nature. If you have a passenger in that seat they either get the job of holding the eggs until you get home or walking.

This is probably the most important etiquette tip, so pay attention: If you used a shopping cart, you will return it to a trolley till in the parking lot. Another acceptable alternative if you want the extra exercise is returning it to the store entrance you used.

Someone may ask you for your cart in the parking lot. If they do, smile and graciously hand it over. They just did you a favor so a “thank you” is even appropriate here.

Under no circumstances are you to leave the shopping cart in a parking space or somewhere in the middle of the parking lot. That’s behavior befitting a godless heathen, not a reader of the Friday Funny. I’m putting all of you on notice: if I ever catch any of you leaving a shopping cart in a parking space I’m swatting at you with a rolled up newspaper until you beg for mercy for your sinful acts.

There you have it: a system that will minimize your shopping time, maximize your efficiency, and make you a more pleasant grocery shopper in the long run. Take this post to heart. Print it out and study the system carefully.

You may thank me later. I take PayPal.

Have a great weekend, everybody! If you’ve got grocery store etiquette questions feel free to drop them in the comments. Otherwise we’ll see you next week!

*Ed. Note: You get one donut at the bakery counter for every trip to the Supermarket. It may not be a good donut, but a rule is a rule, and it applies to Seaton as much as anyone else. Govern yourself accordingly, Chris.