Americans, divided as ever in the wake of a failed assassination attempt on former President Donald J. Trump, refused to heed calls from political leaders to tone down incendiary political rhetoric because “they started it.”

No one questioned about who “they” are offered any sort of coherent or meaningful answer. In fact, the responses largely depended on who answered the question.

President Joe Biden, when asked to clarify his position following his remarks from last Sunday, said “When I said ‘we’ need to tone down the rhetoric in America, I meant everyone else, not me. I’ve made it my mission to point out how Trump is an existential threat to democracy and I’ll continue to do that right up until November.”

When this reporter pointed out to President Biden the shooter might have been inspired by almost a decade’s worth of talk from the left that Trump is Orange Hitler, President Biden smiled, asked for a pudding, and deferred to Katrine Jean-Pierre, as Matlock was on in thirty minutes.

Former President Donald Trump, on the other hand, said “I’ve personally never said a bad word about Crooked Joe Biden. People tell me he’s a criminal, that his son Hunter is compromised by Fentanyl China and the Mexican Cartels and his whole entire family is on the take, but that’s what they tell me, folks. I’ve never said a bad word about the guy.”

When presented with video clips from the most recent Presidential debate, Mr. Trump said “Frankly, I think we all know those are what we call ‘cheapfakes.’ You’ve heard of ‘deepfakes,’right? Well these are ‘cheapfakes’ because they’re so terrible. Just sad!”

Melissa Ramirez, a mother of two and ActBlue contributor said “Why is it we Democrats are the ones who need to tone down our rhetoric when Donny Boy was the one who held his fist in the air after getting shot in the head! He even yelled ‘Fight!’ How is that not encouraging more violence?”

“Exactly,” remarked Carson Muntz, a Senior at Yale and Biden campaign staffer. “I mean Trump’s the king of violent rhetoric. No wonder he got shot. He’s totally been asking for it.”

Mr. Muntz was subsequently dismissed from President Biden’s reelection campaign less than 24 hours after uttering that remark.

James Prince and Cameron Ballinger, the performers behind the act “Sensational Gs,” said “We’ve made jokes for years about President Trump getting shot, ass-raped by jihadis, lynched, and more. It’s part of our First Amendment rights to do so and we’re not going to stop. Besides, it makes us millions of dollars!”

Arnold Queen, showrunner for Amazon Studio’s next hit “The Sistas,” said “My show has always been an indictment of the Republican party at its core. If you’re not woke enough to understand that, then go join Darth Cheeto’s supporters because we don’t want you watching what we created. Black Lives Matter.”

Not to be outdone, supporters of the former President flocked in droves to heap scorn on President Biden and his team.

“Lousy stupid Millennials,” said Darius Coonskinner of Alabama. “If my Jesse was there and it were Biden he would’ve made that shot. But we would never condone violence because we’re Christians.”

“Who gives a shit about political violence? Political violence is as American as Apple Pie,” said Infowars host Alex Jones. Snorting a large line of cocaine and Adderall from his desk, Jones continued. “It’s violence that waters the tree of liberty with the blood of tyrants! Violence is what gives Red Blooded American Men the right to stare at big breasts in strip clubs! I TELL YOU 1776 WILL COME IF YOU DEPRIVE US OF OUR GREAT AMERICAN TITS!”

And so, dear readers, we find ourselves at another Friday where no one’s wiser, no one’s better off, and no one’s laughing except us. The fine folks at the SJ Hotel.

It’s been fun writing jokes for all of you lovely people, but I’m headed on vacation for the next two and a half weeks to recharge the batteries and spend time with my family. I hope all of you have a great time in my absence and enjoy whatever life has to offer you. [Ed. Note: Hope you and the fam have a great trip, Chris.]

We’ll see you when I’m back in the States!