Welcome to 2025! Weren’t we supposed to have teleporters and flying cars by how? What a ripoff. Anyway we at Simple Justice wouldn’t dream of starting this New year without properly saying goodbye to 2024.

Time for The SJ Year In Review!

Your humble humorist decided to embrace the modern age and use AI to assist in the penning of this post. Before anyone gets upset, I had a really difficult time defining this year in one word. So I enlisted the services of X’s Grok, Google’s Gemini and Meta AI. Here were the results:

Grok: “Transitional.”

Gemini: “Polarizing.”

Meta: “Year.”

I think us humans are okay for now. Anyway, let’s start with

JANUARY, where election season kicks off in the United States, forcing Americans to pick their next leader from two really old men on the brink of time’s ravages. Calls for younger, more electable candidates are ignored by the twelve people who run everything with a “LOLGFY” posted to X.

Yes, I’ve made a New Year’s resolution to call Twitter X.

I believe in realistic goals.

The White House is criticized when defense Secretary Lloyd Austin goes missing for more than 30 minutes without updating Congress. This prompts many Americans to ask “who the fuck is Lloyd Austin?”

In a troubling higher education note, Harvard President Claudine Gay resigns after refusing to say whether antisemitic attacks on students violate Harvard’s code of conduct.

Just kidding! Actually she resigns when folks learn she plagiarized. A lot.

Closing out the month, a Boeing 737 Max jet rips a refrigerator sized hole in its fuselage after an important part pops off midflight. Boeing immediately grounds all 737 Max jets for “scheduled maintenance,” insisting the plane totally meant to do that.

Speaking of questionable product decisions, in

FEBRUARY Apple releases the Vision Pro, an augmented reality headset featuring “spatial vision,” a new technology that makes early adopters look like idiots. The pricey headsets are mostly purchased by influencers who return the gadgets after making unboxing videos.

Special counsel Robert Hur concludes his investigation into President Biden’s alleged mishandling of classified documents by stating in his final report Biden would be viewed by juries as senile. Biden angrily called a press conference to rebut the findings in which (and I swear I’m not making this up) he refers to the President of Egypt as the President of Mexico.

In sports, Taylor Swift wins the Super Bowl, upending previous decade’s champion Tom Brady.
Hey, the Future is Female™, right?

To close out the month, former President Donald Trump is found guilty by a New York civil judge on financial fraud charges, among others. He’s fined half a billion dollars and bans him from referring to himself as “Mr. President” while in state. Not to let a bad verdict get him in a funk, Trump attends a sneaker convention two days later and (I swear I’m not making this up either) debuts a line of gold high top shoes that sell out immediately.

And in alternative media, Tucker Carlson (who is an idiot) conducts a two hour interview with Vladmir Putin, who gladly lets Carlson’s stupid flag fly.

MARCH sees President Biden deliver a State of the Union speech which consists of mostly shouting and lines stolen from that afternoon’s rerun of “Matlock.” The three members of the press actually watching the speech describe it as “fiery.” Not one American cares.

Trump’s lawyers plead for an appeal bond reduction, citing no one will loan a billionaire just found guilty of financial fraud that much money. In a shocking twist, the amount is lowered to $175 million, which the Donald promises to pay in cheeseburgers next Tuesday.

In sports, the annual March Madness tournament brings Americans together to lie about which office bracket pool they won.

And finally, Boeing suffers two major problems. First a plane flying from Australia to New Zealand nosedives and injures 50. Second, a plane taking off from San Francisco loses a piece of landing gear. Boeing executives, after review, blame a failure to put tab A into slot B.

APRIL sees yet another Trump trial, this one alleging the former President falsified business records to let everyone know he slept with porn star Stormy Daniels. The prosecution’s first witness is (I swear I’m not making this up either) a tabloid merchant named David Pecker.

In music, rappers Drake and Kendrick Lamar feud by releasing 27 “diss tracks” in a span of 14 days. Fans flock to the singles, hanging on every word until adults in the room remind them there’s only so many ways to say “Your mama’s so fat” and the MC’s used them up on song 3.

And the musical “Wicked” opens in movie theaters. Starring Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo, the positive publicity is momentarily sidetracked when Erivo takes issue with a “racist” piece of fan art that commits the cardinal sin of (again, not making this up) obscuring Erivo’s eyes.

In MAY, Trump’s business records trial continues with explicit testimony from Stormy Daniels about how Trump falsified business records with her at a 2006 celebrity golf tournament. Half the country praises the adult film actress’s testimony as stunning and brave. The other half shrugs and says “Lying whore says what?”

None of these trials stops Trump from campaigning nonstop when not required to attend court. His rallies continue their pattern of rambling speeches interspersed with insult comedy. As a wise man once stated, “For the kind of people that like that kind of thing, that’s the kind of thing people like.”

In an attempt to make himself seem like a reasonable alternative to Joe Biden and Donald Trump, independent candidate Robert F. Kennedy Junior pleas his case for the White House by telling the New York Times doctors found a dead worm in his brain.

And to close out the month, a Manhattan jury finds Trump guilty on all 34 felony counts of falsifying business records. Anyone else would end their Presidential bids in embarrassment, make statements about embarking on a journey of healing, and settle for a book deal. Trump, on the other hand, sees a massive spike in his poll numbers, millions of dollars raised, and his supporters more energized than ever.

And then there was JUNE. Time for the first (and only, as it would turn out) Presidential debate between Joe Biden and Donald Trump. The night ends poorly for Biden, who suffers brain death in the first five minutes of the debate and proceeds to babble incoherently for the rest of the night. Dr. Jill Biden, the greatest of all doctors, proclaims her husband the victor for his landmark achievement of “answering all the questions.”

Despite clearly being non compos mentis, Biden insists he’s in the election to win and points out he’s the only person to beat Donald Trump. The President would then shit himself during his afternoon pudding. (Ok. That I made up.)

Calls for Biden to exit the race intensify as we enter JULY.

Donald Trump holds a rally in Butler, Pennsylvania. A man on a rooftop opens fire, shooting Trump almost in the ear. The attempted assassination bolsters Trump’s popularity and generates more campaign donations. A later investigation revealed the shooter made it onto the roof, evading police snipers one floor below, because “the building roof was dangerously slanted.”

Biden continues to insist he’ll remain in the race as his Democratic colleagues wallow in despair. Then abruptly the President announces his decision to drop out of the race on X. Endorsing Vice President Kamala Harris, Democratic voters are now forced to support a candidate who runs on “joy” and “brat energy,” but lacks the ability to articulate a single coherent policy.

Not to worry, this month sees the Paris Olympics, an event where the world puts aside its differences to celebrate human achievement through sport.

Just kidding! We did get several notable events, including the following:

An opening ceremony that offended Christians who thought it made fun of the Last Supper,

A Turkish competitive shooter winning silver using an air pistol and his naked eyes who the Internet decided HAD to be an off-duty assassin,

The debut of breakdancing as an Olympic event. This might have been the hallmark of stupid as Australian “Breaker” Rachel “Ray” Gunn dances in a manner resembling a labrador wiggling in grass. She would earn zero points for her effort, the IOC would drop Breakdancing from the schedule of events after this year, and NBC—the American broadcaster—scrubbed the entire event from its online platform “Peacock.”

And finally the Olympics saw the television debut of America’s two newest goodwill ambassadors, Snoop Dogg and Flavor Flav. The former makes a sizable impact on the Olympics when he attends the equestrian event in dressage attire with Martha Stewart. The latter sponsors the US National Women’s Polo team. Both are better examples of the American spirit than your average politician in DC.

Olympic competitions continue as we start AUGUST. The event concludes with Tom Cruise stunt jumping from a roof. That’s the joke.

Back in the States, Kamala Harris selects Tim Walz for her running mate. Governor of Minnesota Walz possesses the energy of a mentally challenged Corgi—very enthusiastic, not at all bright. Trump selects Ohio Senator JD Vance, who may or may not have fornicated with a couch. The two clash in the Vice Presidential debate where both attempt to seem normal in comparison to Trump (who is a lunatic) and Harris (who is an insipid tool).

Democrats officially nominate Harris at their convention which sees a night one speech by President Biden at two-thirty in the morning attended by the venue’s cleaning staff. Harris gets a bump in the polls which fades immediately after people realize “Don’t let them steal your joy” is pabulum mouthed by alcoholic wine moms at book club and not actual policy.

Two astronauts are stranded aboard the International Space Station when the craft that was supposed to pick them up develops mechanical problems. Because our government is great at their jobs, the two astronauts are expected to return home sometime in the summer of 2025.

Rolling into SEPTEMBER, the sole Presidential debate between Donald Trump and Kamala Harris suddenly turns into a referendum on whether Haitian migrants in Springfield, Ohio are eating pets. Despite evidence to the contrary, Trump insists the migrants are consuming Mittens and Fidos nonstop. “Really folks, who are you going to believe? Me or the fake news media?” he retorts when called on his bullshit.

Harris repeats the same five talking points she’s rehearsed for a month: she’s middle class, she understands the middle class, abortion is wonderful, costs are too high and if elected Harris will bring costs down. Despite being unable to answer why she hadn’t done anything for three and a half years as VP, Harris is declared the winner of the debate.

Another assassination attempt on Trump is thwarted one week later, but this is largely overshadowed by TikTok memes of pets looking shocked as Trump says “They’re eating the cats! They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the pets!”

At the end of the month Hurricane Helene ravages the Southeastern United States. This is quickly followed up by Hurricane Milton at the start of

OCTOBER. In non-disaster news, Trump does a photo op at a Pennsylvania McDonald’s to prove he could work a fry station and Harris could not. This is the kind of dumb stunt politicians have done since the beginning of politics, which means Salon, Slate and MSBNBC are awash with think pieces on how many health codes Trump violated and whether the visit was against campaign finance laws.

Comedian Tony Hinchcliffe does the Donald no favors when he jokes about Puerto Rico being a floating island of garbage during a Madison Square Garden rally. Not to be outdone, President Biden hops on Zoom and gleefully calls half of Americans “Garbage” while Harris is busy campaigning on a platform of “I’m not Trump.”

Americans flock to the polls in NOVEMBER, where Donald Trump completes the greatest political comeback in American history by winning the popular and electoral college votes. Republicans take the Senate and retain the House of Representatives.

Trump takes this as a sign for complete governmental reform and nominates Matt Fucking Gaetz for Attorney General. That’s the joke. He nominates Robert F. Kennedy to head the Department of Health and Human Services. Accepting the nomination, Kennedy promises to launch a thorough investigation into the benefits of raw milk for babies.

Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy are tapped to head the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), which will make suggestions to Congress on ways to cut government spending. Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene, Musk announces, will lead the Bureau of Intradepartmental Tariffs Causing Harm. You do the acronym.

I’m on to DECEMBER, where Joe Biden pardons son Hunter despite repeatedly saying he wouldn’t. This leads Democrats to change their messaging strategy from “No one is above the law” to “When we said that we just meant Trump, okay?”

In a strange move, South Korea’s president declares martial law. This is quickly overridden by the country’s National Assembly, which votes overwhelmingly “No You Don’t.” The Assembly later impeaches the President while K-Pop bands sing N’Sync’s “Bye Bye Bye.”

A gunman shoots United Healthcare CEO Brian Thompson outside his hotel in New York City. The alleged gunman is later caught in Altoona, Pennsylvania when attempting to pay for his McDouble combo with ghost gun parts and fake IDs. Identified as Luigi Mangione, the killing starts a national discussion on what crimes are forgivable if the person who commits the deed is cute.

Former New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick is announced as the next coach of the University of North Carolina’s football team. Wasting little time, Belichick announces the signing of a five star freshman quarterback from Michigan named “John Grady.”

And finally, Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce swamps every other NFL player in Pro Bowl fan votes. No one even thinks to question why the majority of fans voting for Kelce are teenage girls and childless cat ladies.

So now that we’ve sufficiently chucked 2024 into the garbage, please allow me to wish those of you reading this the happiest and healthiest 2025 you can have. You’re all wonderful for reading my dumb jokes each week. Thank y’all so much!

Let’s do it again next Friday!