Being the spouse of a doctor means you’re going to inevitably get free shit. There are many organizations, vendors and such that want your partner’s attention and they will eventually try to ply said attention with all manner of tchotchkes.
Usually these will be pens, pencils or notepads. Occasionally someone will get cute and give out frisbees or keychains. Recently, my dear Dr. S was gifted something unusual: a Stanley water bottle.
If you’re unfamiliar with Stanley water bottles, they’re these aluminum cups with handles and a plastic lid with a built in straw. Stanleys are largely a status symbol for college-educated white women and suburban soccer moms. Besides being the vessels of choice for said semi-affluent ladies, Stanleys are also known for their exorbitant price tag: they run $25-$75 dollars depending on how much hydration one wants to carry at a given time.
My wife, being a woman of sense and class, immediately turned up her nose at it.
“It’s ugly and stupid,” she said. “I have two plastic bottles I keep with me during the day that work just fine.”
“Well if it offends that much, my dear, how about I take it off your hands?”
“I don’t give a damn if the dog shits in it,” she daintily replied.
So I’ve carried around the Stanley ever since. Here are a couple of observations I’d like to share in this short time frame.
First, owning a Stanley is definitely a gender-specific thing. Even if your Stanley isn’t some obviously feminine color (mine’s an off white, thank you very much), men and women will look at you sideways if you’re a man attempting to make his way in a woman’s Stanley world. Either that or they’ll think you’re gay.
Second, ignore the first observation because these things are stupid good at keeping liquids cold. I’ve left this fucking thing out on the kitchen counter for a day and the water inside tasted just as cold as when I originally poured it. I’m not sure how it would handle carbonated beverages, but I bet it’d be just fine.
Third, on Halloween, every white woman you see in the neighborhood with a Stanley has the thing full of some sort of cocktail. Don’t ask me to explain this. I can’t because I’m a man. What I can tell you is if they’re mothers, then those women are drinking something about three times stronger than a grown man’s usually used to imbibing.
Fourth, owning a Stanley means one gets to complain about microplastics. I don’t know what microplastics are and I really have no desire to look them up. Reddit tells me I should be terrified of them and drinking water out of a Stanley apparently fixes all that.
Finally, people get really, REALLY pissy when you can honestly tell them you paid nothing for your Stanley. I guess part of being in the Stanley world is knowing how much you went into debt to avoid being dehydrated and not accumulating extra debt is a bad thing.
Women in this country, especially white women, will do strange shit to stay hydrated.
Anyway, I’m going to keep using my Stanley because I hate to let free stuff go to waste. And it’s a decent water bottle. Screw all those judgmental pricks, right? It’s 2025. If you’re a man who wants to drink out of a Stanley, then by God, drink out of a Stanley!
If I get nervous enough about being judged for the crime of Drinking From A Stanley While Male, I’ll just spray paint the fucking thing and tell everyone it was a Kroger Dollar Deal.
See y’all next week!
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I read that Jim Cornette used a tennis racquet, which some consider to be a symbol of elitism, as a weapon while managing talent in the WWF.
If another wrestling manager, say, in Athens, who is also white, would use his new Stanley as a tool of enforcement, that would be something. Just saying.
It’s hard giving people really good ideas like this sometimes, isn’t it Mario?
I still think hockey when Stanley Cup is mentioned.
But staying on topic,
I hate to be horribly pedantic but that’s a thermal mug there, sir, not a water bottle. Water bottles tend not to have metal handles welded to the side of them.
On another note, if you decide to invest in a male gendered thermal mug, may I point you to the Yeti, who you may recall sells coolers for holding your beer whilst shooting your buddy’s hand off in the back forty. They claim their products are indestructible, and while I can’t entirely back that up, I did back my truck up over it without it receiving a scratch or a ding. No straws though. Real men don’t use straws, or something.
Got a Yeti from my brother in law a couple of years ago and that thing could stop a bomb blast.
And it’s a water bottle. Don’t trivialize my lived experiences.
I don’t have a Stanley tumbler, or a Yeti for that matter. What i do have is a customized Rtic tumbler given to me by the company I used to work for. Except during the middle of the summer, it will keep icy cold for 20 hours and during winter it will keep coffee hot for eight hours and at least warm enough to drink for twelve. You can get one for about $13 bucks.
While I am peripherally aware of the Stanley phenomenon I live in the land of Hydro Flask so I see more of those than Stanley among the Patagonia wearing and Fjallraven toting set.
Personally I use plastic water bottles from far flung bike shops, or the Kleen Kanteen cup that was free from Sophos.
I do own one Stanley product, the oh so Oregonian flask and French press set for making coffee on the road. (full disclosure, a French press is hard to clean in the field so I usually make instant or tea)
My wife got one from the SEIU that she belongs to here in Kaliforia. These are incredible for keeping water cold. Ice lasts two to three days. We use it old the time.
Didn’t think much of it when it arrived. Best “Freebie” ever!