Prefatory Note: a prominent podcaster recently opined in the future our Netflix queues will consist of AI generated stories customized for our desires of the moment.

In an attempt to test this theory, I fed my script for “Glen the Grocery Store Greeter” to Grok and said “Add zombies.”

The following is the result.

COLD OPEN

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – ENTRANCE – NIGHT

The store buzzes with late-night weirdos—tired parents, a dude in slippers, a COLLEGE KID vaping. GLEN HARRIS (30s, wiry, smirking, orange apron) greets with his usual edge. Name tag: “Glen – Ask Me Anything.”

GLEN
(to a MOM with a fussy kid)
Welcome to Volunteer Value Mart—deals so good you’ll scream. Cart?

She grabs one, distracted. The COLLEGE KID shuffles in.

GLEN
Juul Caesar, back for more ramen? Keep that cloud outta my face.

The KID grins. A SHAMBLING FIGURE lurches through the doors—pale, groaning, eyes vacant. Glen squints.

GLEN
Buddy, welcome to the Mart. You look like death warmed over—aisle three’s got aspirin.

The FIGURE lunges, snapping teeth. Glen yelps, shoves a cart at it, knocking it back. Screams erupt as MORE ZOMBIES stumble in.

GLEN
(to himself)
Great. Night shift just got a lot less boring.

He grabs a mop, spins it like a staff. Title slams: GLEN THE GREETER: DEAD ON ARRIVAL.

ACT ONE

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – MANAGER’S OFFICE – NIGHT

Glen’s barricaded in with BRENDA (50s, frazzled), who’s clutching a clipboard like a shield.

BRENDA
Glen, what the hell is happening? Customers are eating each other out there!

GLEN
Pretty sure they’re not customers anymore, Brenda. Coupon Carl’s gnawing on Miss Edna’s cart—he’s never been that desperate for a deal.

BRENDA
You’re a greeter! Fix this!

GLEN
Fix it? I’m not a zombie whisperer. Best I can do is say “welcome” while they chew my face off.

A Zombie POUNDING at the door. Glen grabs a stapler.

GLEN
Alright, fine. Time to greet ‘em into next week.

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – ENTRANCE – MOMENTS LATER

Glen and Brenda peek out. ZOMBIES (ex-shoppers) shamble—some in aprons, some clutching carts. JIMMY (20s, lanky cashier) sprints over, wild-eyed.

JIMMY
Glen! They got Lucia—she’s eating the deli counter!

GLEN
Figures she’d go for the good stuff first. Alright, kid, grab something sharp. We’re taking the store back.

Jimmy snags a broom. A ZOMBIE COLLEGE KID lunges; Glen whacks it with the mop.

GLEN
Sorry, vape lord. No loitering in the afterlife.

ACT TWO

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – PRODUCE AISLE – NIGHT

Glen, Brenda, and Jimmy find MISS EDNA (80s, feisty), barricaded behind tomatoes, swinging a cane at a ZOMBIE COUPON CARL.

MISS EDNA
Back off, Carl! These are my tomatoes!

GLEN
(grinning)
Miss Edna, you’re my hero. Let me handle this.

He lures Carl away with a dented can of peas, then trips him into a melon stack. Splat.

BRENDA
We need a plan, Glen! The doors are locked, but they’re piling up outside!

GLEN
Plan’s simple: don’t die. Step one—arm up. Aisle nine’s got knives and canned goods. Let’s move.

They dash off, dodging a ZOMBIE MOM pushing a cart with a ZOMBIE TODDLER gnawing the handle.

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – AISLE NINE – NIGHT

The trio arms up—Jimmy with a meat cleaver, Brenda with a soup can, Glen with a butcher knife. A SHADY ZOMBIE GUY (from earlier, now undead) staggers in, candy bars spilling from his pants.

GLEN
Candy Pants? Should’ve known you’d be a problem dead or alive.

Glen lops its head off with a swift chop. Jimmy gags.

JIMMY
Dude, you’re way too good at this!

GLEN
Years of greeting psychos prepped me for the real thing.

A LOUD CRASH—zombies breach the front doors.

ACT THREE

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – CHECKOUT – NIGHT

The group fights back-to-back—Glen stabs, Brenda bashes, Jimmy flails, Miss Edna hurls tomatoes. Glen spots a megaphone.

GLEN
Hold ‘em off—I’ve got an idea!

He climbs a register, blasts the megaphone.

GLEN
Attention, undead shoppers! Welcome to Volunteer Value Mart! Special on brains in aisle twelve—go get ‘em!

The ZOMBIES turn, shambling toward the back. Glen grins.

BRENDA
That… actually worked?

GLEN
People never listen, dead or alive. Gives us time to fortify.

They pile carts and shelves at the doors. Sirens wail outside—help’s coming.

GLEN
(to the group)
We’re not dead yet. That’s a win in my book.

Miss Edna pats his arm.

MISS EDNA
You’re a keeper, Glen.

Fade out with tense, quirky music.

END TAG

INT. VOLUNTEER VALUE MART – ENTRANCE – DAWN

Glen, bloody but alive, slumps against a cart as RESCUE TEAMS arrive. He finds a stray coupon, smirks.

GLEN
Guess even zombies can’t kill a good deal.

He pockets it, limps off.

FADE TO BLACK.

I told y’all it was going to get weird this week. And I told you zombies would be involved.

You really should listen to self-professed middle aged crazy men on the Internet when they tell you stuff.

(Ha! Bet you never thought you’d read that statement at Simple Justice, right? What can I say? I’m a trendsetter. )

See you next week everyone!