Happy Independence Day, friends! For those of you who don’t celebrate, fuck you. This is a joyous day for celebrating everything American!
But I must confess, I’m concerned about a lot of my American friends today. It seems there’s a lot of people who don’t think America is great. They’re not proud of this country and they don’t think there’s anything good or redeeming about it.
Fuck that. This is the greatest goddamn country in the world. There’s no place better and I’m going to give you a list of reasons why.
- Lists. Lists are unique parts of the American experience. Don’t believe me? What do you think the Declaration of Independence is? A list of all the ways Britain fucked up, that’s what.
Hamburgers and hot dogs. We’re going eat a shit ton today as Americans. And before you come at me in the comments with the alleged ethnic orientations of these dishes, piss off! We culturally appropriated these foods. They’re American now.
The song “Real American” by Rick Derringer. It’s epic, it was Hulk Hogan’s music for years and it just makes one hyped to be American.
The First Amendment. It’s wonderful to be able to express myself as an American. I can say Tom Homan looks like a mongoloid, for example. I can call Chuck Schumer an asshat who loves Palestine more than Jewish Americans. And I can point out that Lindsey Graham is a flaming [Ed. Note: Rhymes with Cuomo]. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
Fireworks. We can blow shit up to celebrate America!
Nascar. A sport based on moonshiners tricking out cars to beat the Feds. What’s more American than that?
Reality TV. We have a bunch of it in America, hell we invented it and exported it all over the world. Our reality TV industry in this country basically monetized people making bad decisions for our amusement!
Westerns. The epitome of American manliness! We gave the world Deadwood, The Magnificent Seven and The Rifleman.* And let’s not forget about John Wayne! That man shit patriotism and pissed American values!
Ford trucks. They’re a southern staple and they always seem to be working. Because they’re American and that’s what we do. We persist and we work.
We have the freedom to be lazy if we want. Do you want to do stuff? Great. You can do that in America. Want to be a lazy shit? You can do that too. Have you seen the obesity rates in this country?
There you go. Irrefutable evidence this is the best country on the planet. You’re welcome. Now go do us a solid and blow shit up to celebrate today!
See you next week, everyone!
*Ed. Note: And never forget Chuck Connors in Branded.
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Not Tuesday but here’s hoping the host lets this in.
Amen to that!
Fourth of July festivities in Boyle Heights, El Sereno, Lincoln Heights and Northeast Los Angeles sponsored by Los Angeles City Councilmember Ysabel Jurado’s office have been postponed, a decision made after the council member heard from neighborhood advocates and community leaders across her district. A new date for the event is not available at this time.The city of Cudahy has postponed its Independence Day Celebration that was set for Thursday, July 3. The city has yet to offer a new date for the event.The city of Bell Gardens announced on Instagram the cancellation of two movie events, scheduled for June 26 and July 10, that are part of the 2025 Summer Nights series and takes place in Bell Gardens Veterans Park.The city of Huntington Park posted on Facebook that an Independence Day celebration planned for July 3 would be canceled. It is unknown if the event will be rescheduled. The city later posted that it was postponing “certain summer events” for the next 30 days due to increased ICE activity in the area.A July Fourth “Freedom Walk” was postponed in the city of Whittier, according to a Facebook post. A fireworks show will still be held later that day, the post said. “While celebrating our nation’s founding is very important to me and to Whittier residents, my colleagues and I also want to be sensitive to the recent feedback we’ve received from some community members,” Whittier Mayor Joe Vinatieri said in a statement.The L.A. County Department of Parks and Recreation announced in an Instagram post that the East L.A. “Rockin’ 4th of July” celebration is postponed. The post said that the department is prioritizing the safety of residents, visitors and staff following ICE activity in the area. It is unclear when the event may be rescheduled.
Begone, dickbag! Your negativity has no place here today.
Spew your bullshit on reddit where it’s welcome!
Screw ’em.
I’m grilling hot dogs, hamburgers, and chicken drum sticks. PETA can suck it.
We’re gonna watching the neighbors shoot off fireworks. One of them is a police officer and he and his brothers have over $300 of fireworks to set off. He isn’t anticipating any problems from his brother officers. I have bottle rockets and sparklers for my young grandkids.
And to go along with the founding of it our nation, I’m going to celebrate my 2nd amendment rights by shooting my black power revolvers into the air. (No bullets, I’m not that stupid.)
So, if anyone complains about our activities, in person or in the comments, they can go to hell.
Me and mine, we’re citizens of the greatest country on earth and we’re gonna celebrate its birthday, correct day or not.
Thank you and our esteemed host for the chuckle on item #4. There’s nothing more American than a post on the freedom of our first amendment that gets a censored edit. Happy 4th to you both and may your grill and glasses never be empty! Grats and brats!
You guys will never fully appreciate how much I respect and admire SHG for the effort he puts into making me seem funnier some weeks than I am.
We took pizza and wrestling and turned both into something that would make its originators horrified (a feature), yet still red white and blue with envy.
Our fantastic appropriations created deep dish supreme pizza and hell in a cell. New heights!
I already had burgers and corn on the cob yesterday. Today I plan to visit the shooting range and enjoy a traditional Scots dish, Chicken Tikka Masala.
‘The Magnificent Seven’!
Yul Brenner: We lost. We always lose. Only the farmers have won.”
Ride On……
Based on Akiro Kurosawa’s “The Seven Samurai,” but still epic set here in ‘Merica! And one of the greatest opening film scores ever!
I loved watching “Branded” (although in black and white on our television set), as well as “Johnny Yuma” and “Paladin”; plus “The Virginian” (the favorite show of my cousins from Virginia).