It has come to my attention that a local high school football coach was recently fired for the egregious sin of taking his players to a football game.

Apparently the team’s bus broke down and no replacements were forthcoming. In a moment of pure country ingenuity, the coach put the team in the back of his pickup truck and drove them approximately an hour away to the site of the game. For this, he was dismissed.

This outcome is unacceptable bullshit. What was he supposed to do, cancel the game? What kind of lesson does that teach young men? If anything, Coach should’ve been given a raise for teaching all those young men that you make your towns, show up to your commitments, and give them your best effort no matter what.

That’s what produces winners and successful young men. Not this effete bullshit I’m hearing about how “he should’ve called the parents first.” That’s like 20 phone calls! Yes, he should’ve used a headset or something, but give the man a break. He’s got a win first and call the parents second mentality!

Plus I’m sure the kids were all wearing pads when they rode in the back. That’s just common sense, right? In case of a collision there’s at least some protection!

I’m convinced there’s a literacy problem in this country and I’ve got an idea on how to solve it.

Let’s set up a glass box that’s the size of a phone booth somewhere on a major college campus. Once you enter the box, it automatically locks. However, there’s a clear, easy to read, step by step set of instructions printed in three languages on how to get out on one wall.

If you follow the instructions from start to finish, you get out easily. If you skip anything or don’t follow the instructions exactly, a loud gong sounds, you’re squirted with jets of cold water and a loud voice yells “HAHAHAHA ANOTHER LOSER WHO CAN’T READ!”

Put a camera on it, livestream to YouTube and monetize that bitch.

You’re welcome.

Saturday’s the first UT Vol game of the season. It’s in Atlanta against Syracuse and kickoff’s at noon. It’s also the first time new starting QB Joey Aguilar will run out of the Power T.

It’s also the first time this year I’ll question who paid off every ref in Atlanta, moan about how I hate my life for 3 hours on every bad play, and sing Rocky Top so loudly the neighbors want to call the cops until they realize it’s a Saturday in Knoxville.

And they join in.

I’m going to go cook dinner. See y’all next week!