TITLE CARD: JUST THE NIGHTLY NEWS
important sounding music
VO: And now, just the nightly news. Good evening, this is Los Angeles. Your host is Kent Halsey.
Camera up on Kent Halsey in the main newsroom
HALSEY: Good evening, this is Los Angeles and this is your nightly news. In our top story a raccoon broke into a Virginia ABC liquor store and had its fair share of peanut butter whisky, vodka and moonshine. The animal then rampaged towards the men’s bathroom before passing out from intoxication, where store owners found it the following morning.
(Video plays of inebriated raccoon)
HALSEY: We at Just the Nightly News realize this is not normally a national story. However, our business model revolves around ad sales and clicks on stories featured on our site, and recently management realized nothing we say about Donald Trump matters to any of you anymore. So enjoy more stories about drunken rodents.
And in political news, professional liar and conservative podcaster Mabel Hoebag raised eyebrows across the aisle today when she claimed her deceased love interest Tavis Kirkconnell III was murdered by Israelis, French Transvestites and a blow up doll of Tim Curry in the movie “Clue.”
In response to this claptrap, Benton Hedges Kirkconnell said on the nationally syndicated “The Tavis Train” radio program Hoebag’s rhetoric finally had reached the point of no return, even more so than when Hoebag proclaimed Tavis’s wife Erin had a dong.
Promising to refute every single one of Hoebag’s attention-seeking claims on a livestream from the Burning Man USA compound in Phoenix, B.H. Kirkconnell invited Hoebag to attend and publicly answer for every last bullshit claim she spewed.
Hoebag promptly agreed to the livestream as long as her fans paid $4.99 to her OnlyFans account per view. Burning Man USA supporters will watch the stream free on the organization’s YouBoobs page.
No one involved in the whole sordid affair realized this was exactly what the little attention whore wanted, but that’s because our conservative thought leaders are emotionally autistic.
Coming up next on Just the Nightly News: Why your neighbors that think Die Hard is a Christmas Movie are Nazis.
Film at eleven.
CUT TO BREAK
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Other than the fact that a raccoon is a procyonid, not a rodent, this is a fairly accurate description of where the media is going on both sides of the pond. Inevitable, I guess, where viewing figures can be quantised down to the click level. What a time to be alive.