In Driftwood County, Alabama, there’s a veterinary medicine practice led by the legendary Ol’ Doc Butler, who once delivered a baby calf and spayed a barn cat for a Thanksgiving turkey and sides. This is the private file of his office manager, who just so happens to be named Karen.—CLS

NOVEMBER 12

About two or three days a month Doc Butler fires up his old Camper van and does a vaccine clinic in Driftwood County. Doc’s big on giving back to the neighbors and not so hot on technology so we send a tech with him that schedules all the vaccine appointments.

The tech’s pretty smart. She came up with this system where everything’s done via text messages. I stuck my nose up at this until I found out it created a hell of a paper trail for resolving disputes. Oh you wanted a rabies AND a bordetella shot? Where’s it say so on the text message chain we’ve had for a week over this? Add in payment links so people can pay with their stupid phones and it’s genius.

It also catches people in lies. I took Doc Butler some breakfast to the clinic outside of Garage 66 this morning when a lady pulled up for a rabies shot half an hour past the cutoff time.

“My wife misread the email and thought it was 9:30 we were supposed to be here. Can we still get the rabies shot?” Of course you can, just don’t be late next time, etc. You get the drift. I’m not turning down shit when the money’s being waved right in my face.

After one of the techs goes to give the shot the scheduler—the smart one—shows me the text messages. This dumb bitch had texted her at 9:20 saying no one was there and they were in the parking lot. Tech’s response? “We’ve been here since 7:30 AM. You’re in the wrong place if you don’t see us.”

And it was from the same number as the chick who just verified it was HER phone number. Not her “wife’s.”

Don’t lie to your veterinary team, folks. We catch shit like this daily and you’re not smart enough to beat your own paper trail.

JANUARY 4

Happy New Year. One of the interns from the local vet school recently installed a form submission page on the clinic’s website so people could get “general questions” answered. Yesterday that page picked up a doozy.

I had to read the damn email four times to figure out what this person wanted. As best I could tell they wanted help with a vet bill for their dog who was naturally this person’s best friend since her husband died. The dog was having an allergic reaction to something, Benadryl wasn’t helping and could we please help?

Now no judgment here, but if I have a prized pooch who’s having a bad allergic reaction I’m not emailing the only vet clinic in town and asking for a handout on the vet bill. I’m bringing the dog into our emergency room and sussing out the details later. But I digress. I called the lady this morning to let her down gently.
A guy picked up her phone.

“Could I speak to Ms. (Redacted)?”

“She’s asleep. Could I take a message?”

“Yeah this is Karen from Dr. Butler’s office? Could you tell her we’re a vet clinic and we don’t do assistance with vet bills? That’s not a service we provide.”

“Oh. Well we do need a dog neutered. Where are you located?”

“Is this Mr. (Redacted)? Sorry for asking a dumb question.”

“Yes it is.”

“Give me your email address and I’ll send over all the information you need.”

He gave it to me. I emailed him the scheduling info for our spay/neuter program and attached a screenshot of his wife’s form submission. I thought about maybe giving him the number of this really good divorce attorney I know but then thought the better of it.

I just wanted to start some shit today. This poor bastard didn’t deserve my wrath. But he really should’ve known better than to marry a lying scam artist who tries to freeload from the nicest man in Alabama.

Remember folks—spay and neuter your pets. We unfortunately can’t do that with our shitty relatives. Yet. See you next time!